mortality

heard the most fucked up news today morning.. woke up and was ready when thiru messaged in the group chat that sree jumped from his block.. was rushed to nuh.. and ruby left work to go see wad happened.. in an hr or so, the news that he passed away came.. everything happened so fast.. jus in a matter of hrs, we have lost someone.. someone dear to us.. someone who was there during our joyous moments.. someone i shared drinks with.. still remember the time when i went to sg for holidays and sree called me up to meet him up in rp.. he was currently studying in rp.. i went during his break time with a couple of drinks and we chilled in the park.. hahaha it was really fun.. we were jus talkin nonsense and chilling.. he had the brightest smile.. and he was such a vijay fan.. could neve understand why.. we tend to start arguing on why i hated vijay.. he would get all so emotional in defending vijay.. 2011 new yr was spent together.. it was my first new yr spent with the guys and it was EPIC!!!! the time when we all became close.. fun times when all of us met up so often.. i don understand wad must have happened in between that made that happy go lucky person to do such a thing.. why werent we not there for him? where did we all go when a fren needed us? crying and suffering in silence.. 

we take advantage of everything.. everyone so simply.. just becoz they are just around the corner.. and when they are gone forever, we miss them.. i have already been feeling like that the past month.. titus.. becoz of him.. i don know.. i literally feel lost.. is this the process of "finding myself"? i dont know.. i literally wake up each morning and wonder how i am gonna go through this day.. i try and occupy myself till night comes where i jus wanna sleep and end off the day.. and the cycle repeats... is it becoz i am all alone here? no boys.. no sis to talk to.. i am in literal isolation.. except for fb and watsapp.. i don talk to anyone.. i don feel like leaving the room.. i jus wanna see my family, my frens.. i wanna finish my honours.. first class of coz... i mean don think that i am slackin off on sch work.. apart from that.. i think my uni and project are the only things keeping me sane at this point of time.. everything else jus seems like a 'i don know'... my brain jus thinks abt titus and dinesh.. i jus try to analyse my feeling over and over again.. and i try not to do it.. so i keep my brain blank becoz i know i cant find an answer to any of the questions that are popping in my head.. blank.. black and empty... what has happened to me? what has happened to the shakthee i love, who had an answer for everything? where have i gone? wad has happened to me these yrs..

all these attachments.. we are gonna lose it one day.. sooner or later, everything is gonna be gone.. everyone is gonna be gone.. why am i holding on to these things, emotions too dearly? why cant i jus let go of everything.. be one with myself? this soul.. wads my purpose in this earth? why was i put here? i am sure it wasnt to jus fall in love and have a family.. knowing that, than why am i so involved in it? why can i jus discard all these unwanted "materials" and be somewhere where i don need to face anything? 

too many questions, too many thoughts, too many feelings, and not a single answer.. pls god guide me.. save me.. tell me wad to do, wad to feel.. show me the way.. save me from this pit-hole.. 

MEN!!

i really dont get it.. ismail been texting me continuously these past few days.. saying how much he loves me and stuff.. but i usually jus reply him with a smiley face.. i think he got pissed off today and told me that i am always hurting him and all that.. that i messaged him a compo saying that 'i love you' are not jus words to be thrown around.. it represents something more.. there are not jus words but has an unspoken meaning behind it.. than he said i jus don understand how he feels.. i really don get it.. why say i love you and that you cannot forget me and will always love me when you have a gf? why tell me that those moments we kissed and made out are the best? if you feel that way, shouldnt you be with me? as in break up with his gf? i am not asking him to.. i don wan him to.. but thats the sensible thing to do right? like you feel like someone was way better and maybe even the best person you fell in love with, why are you with another person? i think its stupid..

and then there is titus whom i have had not contact for abt a month now.. been thinking abt him almost everyday.. short moments.. i jus shun the thoughts away.. really tempted to contact him.. but wad shanker said keeps ringing in my ear.. I HAVE TO BE STRONG!!! there is one person who has to be strong.. and i have to be that person.. if its meant to be, it will be.. i don know if he got back together with rukshini.. i have a strong feeling he has.. but you know wad, i know i am always the best.. i am too awesome and irreplaceable . he WILL come back crawling to me.. i think.. but if he does, this time around, i will take it as a sign.. 

and dinesh.. well we have been talking and things are going smoothly.. but i keep getting reminded of eat,pray, love quote where it says that soul mates are neve supposed to be together.. they come into your life, break you out of your shell and than leave... they are the most important ppl in your life. maybe thats how dinesh is to me.. i don know.. we are like two peas in a pod.. our similarities often freak us both out.. but than we had a conversation randomly abt children.. not so random.. i kinda directed the conversation towards that path becoz i really don want kids and i don wanna "cheat" someone.. in the future when things get all serious, than i don wanna say "oh i don wanna have kids" becoz thats not something ppl can compromise.. its their life, the rest of their life.. i cant steal that from someone.. and dinesh felt very strongly abt wanting kids which now makes me think alot.. maybe we will jus date and see how things go when i am back in sg..

and ppl say women are complicating.. come on guys, if you wan something, go get it.. don sit there and complain abt things.. am i jus too guyish? or are the guys i meet too in touch with their feminine side? i wonder........

ahhhh

ahhhhhhhh waliao.. today so many things happening sia.. aiyo.. my head like gonna burst.. so titus has broekn up with rukshini.. and he messaged me that.. i have become the bitch that split the loving couple now.. yea he break up with her why must come and tell me sia.. to maake me feel guilty and shitty.. wad the hell does he wan from me.. he wanna leave me and go right.. go la.. bloody hell why the hell must he come and tell me.. to tell me that becoz of me they broke up? i ruined his life once more? wtf sia.. he wanna throw me away throw me la.. if he can so easily jus leave me and go.. and good! go!!!! aarrgghhh wad does he wan!!!!!!! i wanna cry.. jus cry my eyes out.. but  am too tipsy to do it.. -_- aiyo intha love shit-eh vendaam.. i wanna jus  live my life volunteering and helping ppl..  i wanna become sanyaasi.. _/\_ vanakam

i don know, i really dont

titus has gotten a gf.. initially i was relieved when i heard it from suresh... neve bothered talkin to him for quite some time.. 3 days go, he messaged me.. we talked a little.. i really cant do it.. its like there has always been this sentimental pen on you table.. you neve use it.. neve bothered if it was there or not.. it didnt matter if it was there.. you neve used it.. but one day, it got lost.. than you knew how much you valued it.. how much it means to you.. but its too late becoz its lost.. thats exactly how i am feeling.. i HATE it when he talked to me abt rukshini.. i don even wanna think abt him huggin her or kissin her or any shit like that.. and when we talk, thatz all i can think abt.. but to think that he actually accepted to go on with her, just shows that he really does wanna move on.. so i cannot tell him not to go.. all i asked for was 1 yr.. he waited for me for 4 yrs, i know its unfair for me to ask him to wait another yr.. wait for something which might or might not happen.. i know he should move on.. why the hell couldnt he have done that long time ago.. after all these while, after all that we have shared and gone through.. 

he was the one person whom i had that much of intimate connection with.. one person i slept with.. how can i even think abt him touching another gal.. for the first time, i am feeling hurt beyond words, feeling jealous.. this is not me..

i told him yesterday, after crying on the phone to shanker, i called titus and told him that i don wanna talk to him ever again, and i don wan him to talk to me ever again.. it was difficult as hell.. but i know it had to be done.. coz he is someone else's now.. i don wanna be the person who ruined their relationship.. i cant imagine the hurt and pain the gal would feel.. so I had to be strong and tell him no.. but he said are you sure? i said yes and he simply jus said ok.. thats it!!! all these yrs.. all the things we have shared.. its that simple to throw me away? how shitty is that.. 

jus 1 yr so that i can come back sg and make a right choice.. i don wanna do the whole back in sg, than in aus and i change my mind kind shit... i need to settle down in my life as in i need to start a job and know where my life is going before i can make any decision right? how can i make a decision, a life long commitment when i am in aus? but he couldnt wait, which i dont blame him for..

so now he is gone.. it hurts like hell.. i am actually crying.. i have not cried for anyone other than ismail and titus... it hurts so much.. and to make it worst, i don even have my friends around to distract me.. i am all alone here and it makes this shit even worst to handle.. 

yesterday night, dinesh messaged me saying he heard something abt me in the whole titus and rukshini story and i wasnt the good guy.. today i called him and he told he that apparently there are things going around saying that i am still in love with titus, and i keep calling him and i an asking him for financial assistance.. WTF!!!!! wad the hell is happening . i am hundreds of miles from sg, and there are shit going around abt me.. and i am the one who was being the good person and asking titus to be nice to rukshini so that she wont get hurt all.. and now i am the bad person???? I AM ASKING HIM FOR MONEY!!???? wad nonsense.. so before i could even tell shanker abt this, titus messaged me telling he needs to talk to me urgently.. i am wondering wtf.. how does he know something happened.. and i called and i started ranting abt how its becoz he is not making his gf happy, she is bitching abt me.. and he called her and she was denying the whole thing.. and he called me back being all pissed.. its like some typical indian drama bullshit.. and i didnt wan all these shit you see.. all i wanted was him to fuck off from my life since he decided to go with another gal and be nice to her for gods sake.. so that she wont take the frustration on me.. anyway shanker called him and calmed him down i think and i am not gonna do any shit abt this.. i am gonna put this behind me and move on.. i am gonna be the bigger person.. i am 24, i am not gonna get affected abt a 21 yr old.. not gonna get sucked into that drama shit.. this is bullshit.. total bullshit.. 

i know that even if she looks like me, no one can replace me.. coz i am that awesome.. i am one and only shakthee.. i am special.. and he will neve love any other gal like he loved me coz i am jus too awesome.. :))) LEGEN wait for it DARY.....