what the hell am i thinking

argghhh.. why does this always happen when i come back to sg.. seriously.. i keep myself so strong and think that i can handle it when i am there but the moment i am here, all my will power basically goes out the window.. i wonder if i will ever get over this feeling.. i think i will.. i hope i do.. its inevitable for me to go near titus's house.. my close friend stays there so i cant stop myself from going there.. and every single time, after dropping him off, when i go pass titus house, all the memories will rush back (not that those were ever gone) and i will be so tempted to do the stupidest things eg call him up or sit under his blk hoping to see him..

i did something midly stupid the day before yesterday.. sandiran called me and told me he and a few others were hanging out and asked me to join them.. i said okie for two reasons, coz i jus wanted to hang out and secondly coz i was hoping to see him.. why? or what i will do after seeing him? i had no idea.. i didnt even think abt it.. i know the onsequences would have been bad.. really bad.. but at that point of time, i jus didnt care.. now that i have a bf as of 26th nov.. its like i know i am not supposed to do some things and not feel some things.. i guess its keeping me under control.. but am i not supposed to feel all these in the first place..

in the cab, shanker was like, "shakthee you are playing a dangerous game" and i realised that i am doing something i am seriously not supposed to be doing.. argghhh why????? why cant i jus be happy with one guy.. i have the most amazing guy with me and i am thinkin abt titus.. i sat down to think why i am feeling this way.. i realised that i am not thinkin abt the reasons why i broke up with titus.. the reason why we went our seperate ways.. i am jus feeling wad i want to feel.. which is totally dumb.. maybe i jus want something i caant have.. the more it looks appealing to me and the more i want it..

i definitely know that if i do get back together with titus, i will regret it.. AGAIN... like i always do.. maybe its a feeling of comfort being with titus.. he is my confort zone, he was someone who knew me very well and was there for me.. i guess he is jus someone familiar to me.. now when i think abt dinesh, there is no memories yet.. we have to create those memories and probably i wont think abt titus after that coz i wont have the need to.. until than i think i jus have to control myself from not doing anything stupid and try to distract myself as much as possible..

sometimes i wonder if i am jus fickle minded with guys.. like maybe i keep picking on stuff and finding reasons to break up with them becoz i may be afraid of commitment? maybe i am afraid i might be missing out on something bette? maybe i have this illusion of a perfect relationsship of marriage and when i see someone who lacks one or two of those "requirements" i feel that they are the one.. maybe my mind is just filled with nonsense abt what a perfect relationship is all about.. is that what is ruinging my life? i remember being very happy when i was with titus in the whole "go with the flow" relationship.. things started getting bad when i started to think that i want to marry this guy.. when things started to get serious.. i wonder if that is considered fear of commitment.. coz i realise that happens to me alot.. i get really scared when things start getting serious.. shit.. i cant believe i am like that.. i never thought that would be a problem for me.. i dont know wad i am supposed to do.. what should be my next step.. i dont want to hurt dinesh like i how i hurt titus.. i am not gonna have that on my conscience as well..

for now, i have got to stop thinking abt titus.. i am indeed walking on dangerous ground..