what the hell am i thinking

argghhh.. why does this always happen when i come back to sg.. seriously.. i keep myself so strong and think that i can handle it when i am there but the moment i am here, all my will power basically goes out the window.. i wonder if i will ever get over this feeling.. i think i will.. i hope i do.. its inevitable for me to go near titus's house.. my close friend stays there so i cant stop myself from going there.. and every single time, after dropping him off, when i go pass titus house, all the memories will rush back (not that those were ever gone) and i will be so tempted to do the stupidest things eg call him up or sit under his blk hoping to see him..

i did something midly stupid the day before yesterday.. sandiran called me and told me he and a few others were hanging out and asked me to join them.. i said okie for two reasons, coz i jus wanted to hang out and secondly coz i was hoping to see him.. why? or what i will do after seeing him? i had no idea.. i didnt even think abt it.. i know the onsequences would have been bad.. really bad.. but at that point of time, i jus didnt care.. now that i have a bf as of 26th nov.. its like i know i am not supposed to do some things and not feel some things.. i guess its keeping me under control.. but am i not supposed to feel all these in the first place..

in the cab, shanker was like, "shakthee you are playing a dangerous game" and i realised that i am doing something i am seriously not supposed to be doing.. argghhh why????? why cant i jus be happy with one guy.. i have the most amazing guy with me and i am thinkin abt titus.. i sat down to think why i am feeling this way.. i realised that i am not thinkin abt the reasons why i broke up with titus.. the reason why we went our seperate ways.. i am jus feeling wad i want to feel.. which is totally dumb.. maybe i jus want something i caant have.. the more it looks appealing to me and the more i want it..

i definitely know that if i do get back together with titus, i will regret it.. AGAIN... like i always do.. maybe its a feeling of comfort being with titus.. he is my confort zone, he was someone who knew me very well and was there for me.. i guess he is jus someone familiar to me.. now when i think abt dinesh, there is no memories yet.. we have to create those memories and probably i wont think abt titus after that coz i wont have the need to.. until than i think i jus have to control myself from not doing anything stupid and try to distract myself as much as possible..

sometimes i wonder if i am jus fickle minded with guys.. like maybe i keep picking on stuff and finding reasons to break up with them becoz i may be afraid of commitment? maybe i am afraid i might be missing out on something bette? maybe i have this illusion of a perfect relationsship of marriage and when i see someone who lacks one or two of those "requirements" i feel that they are the one.. maybe my mind is just filled with nonsense abt what a perfect relationship is all about.. is that what is ruinging my life? i remember being very happy when i was with titus in the whole "go with the flow" relationship.. things started getting bad when i started to think that i want to marry this guy.. when things started to get serious.. i wonder if that is considered fear of commitment.. coz i realise that happens to me alot.. i get really scared when things start getting serious.. shit.. i cant believe i am like that.. i never thought that would be a problem for me.. i dont know wad i am supposed to do.. what should be my next step.. i dont want to hurt dinesh like i how i hurt titus.. i am not gonna have that on my conscience as well..

for now, i have got to stop thinking abt titus.. i am indeed walking on dangerous ground..

'Happy' is just an understatement

well hehehehe god i cant stop smiling to myself or giggling whenever i think abt dinesh.. he used to be from rp as well.. and i got to know him this yr through ragu.. i really have to built a temple for him.. hahahah

its like we just have sooo much to talk abt and he makes me laugh.. laugh like a looney.. no one (other than my close friends) have made me laugh this much.. i LOVE talking to him.. we just talk for hrs and hrs and than we would pause and we will start laughing becoz we would be talking abt the most ridiculous nonsensical things.. and than we would continue talking abt absolute nonsense again.. i just feel so comfortable with him.. i dont have to try and impress him in any way.. and the amazing thing is that we gets impressed by me without me even trying.. how often does that happen right.. and same for him.. he tells me that he feels like he can be himself with me and that its so easy to talk to me.. :)))

i love how we have soo much things in common to the extend it gets so freaky.. he loves irish music!! seriously, the first person i know who loves irish music and listen to enya.. how perfect.. we will be just talking abt ramdom things and we will realise we love the same thing.. and we will bursst out laughing.. we both find it really amazing that we have sooooo much things in common.. perfect i tell you.. we connect on so many levels.. 

the first time i talked to him, i really liked his voice... its been very long since i actually noticed someone's voice.. and i dont know wad abt his voice that i jus love.. it has something which jus makes me wanna listen to it all night long.. i know it sounds super cheesy but i cant deny wad it is.. we are almost too similar in character as well.. things we like, our perspective, views, so much.. i love how he is very close to his family, love how he respects his elders, loves how he has a kind heart, love how he loves animals, loves how he knows how to party and at the same time study as well, love how he has knows the balance in life, love how he knows what he wants in life.. and the list goes on..

i feel so connected with him and i jus cant wait to see him.. seriously.. i feel so blessed to know him and finally have someone in my life i can connect with so much.. i feel like a sec sch gal whenever i talk to him.. haha all giggly and retarded.. he makes my heart skip a beat.. literally.. and gives me the butterfly in the tummy feeling.. makes me smile at my laptop like i am insane and makes me want to talk to him every night.. 

its amazing how you meet someone so unexpectedly.. we have been in the same poly for 3 yrs.. we have seen each other around alot, but never knew how much we are alike and that one day, after 3 yrs, we will be talking to each other.. life is full of surprises isnt it.. but maybe its a good thing that i am talking to him now.. after the experiences and things i went through with ismail and titus.. i am more ready mentally and emotionally (maybe) to be with someone.. i know what to do, what not to do, how to handle situations and be with someone.. i am have def learnt alot in life and i would def say that i look at life and relationships very differently.. i have grown up.. maybe now i am ready to be with someone.. things happen in life for a reason.. i guess no matter how painful the lessons were, they mould you and make you the person you are.. it might be for the better or for the worst.. it depends on how you take the lessons.. i am glad i talked to ismail again, glad i know wad i have left behind and why i did it.. yes wad i felt for him, the memoires are still with me.. but after how he behaved, i realised he is not worth my emotions at all.. memories are there but i wont let it affect me.. i really hope titus moves on in life as well.. i am very sure he will.. i hope its soon.. :) 

everyday is a bight new day, i wake up with a smile on my face and look forward to the day as i know i will get to talk to him yet again.. i dont know wad you call this feeling.. but i know there is def something.. i have yet to explore this.. time will show me the way.. i think both dinesh and i know once we meet up.. counting down to the days till i get to see him..

hollow shell

everything is going all fine.. than out of no where there is this sudden feeling of emptiness.. i am jus lying down in bed, and somehow i feel like i am all alone.. all lone in this huge world... maybe its beco i am far away from home.. maybe i am just missing my loved ones.. or maybe i am jus feeling empty coz i dont have someone with me, someone to love, to care for,  who would care for me.. i am ready, so ready to give my love... to live with a person i love.. alot of my friends are terrified of the thought of getting married.. and that makes me think, if i have someone who i just love to bits and i know tht we are meant to be together, that nothing should worry or scare me right.. if i have that someone, and i know the age and time is right, i would be more than ready to get married and spend the rest of my life with him... i mean shouldnt that wad love mean? my friends are in a friggin relationhip for 4 or 5 yrs but they still say "i am not ready to get married, or maybe she is not the one" which makes me wanna totally slap them.. if you think they are not the right one, than wad the hell re you doin being with them?? arent you jus wasting their time?? seriously, cant you wake up!!!

i was talking to my best friend kalei a few days back.. we were just updating each other on our happenings.. and she is was telling me abt this guy.. i know him since day one.. that was in secondary sch.. for almost 10 yrs they have been having this whole confused relationship.. alot like what me and ismail have.. friends yet not friends.. its shit i tell you.. and talking abt ismail, that bugger didnt even wish me for my bday.. i am not gonna say anything though.. maybe this is how we will fallout.. which is a good thing i guess.. i don wanna be his mistress.. yet i know that i cant say no to him when he talks all sweet to me.. i am such an idiot when it comes to love.. i may talk all big and look all tough but i really am not.. 

than there is titus.. yesterday (on my bday) he messaged me that he neve wants to talk to me again.. and than in the afternoon he messaged me and said how sorry he was and that he was super drunk and all.. than i asked him what made him say such a thing and he said that he knows that i am neve gonna go back to him, and that he feels like he is desperately coming after me.. that he cant move on.. and he is trying but does not know how to.. he asked me when i will move on, and i told him, "when you stop talkin to me or when you move on" and than i added on "or when the time is right" he replied "you mean when you find the right guy" and i said yes.. so he knows that he is not the "right guy" for me.. and he knows that i am jus waiting for the right guy.. i felt so shitty coz it really sounded like "hey you know wad, i am using you until i find someone else, than i am nto gonna talk to you anymore".. i am such a horrible person.. than it got me thinking, why do i keep going back to him? why do i need to talk to him so bad? maybe he like aa best friend to me, maybe he is someone i cn talk to abt anything.. i know he will always be there for me.. so maybe i jus need the comfort and assurance.. i know i keep going back to him coz he loves me alot and when shit hppens in my life, i jus need the love.. i jus need to feel love and i go back to him.. and when everything goes okie in my life, i realise i dont need him and dump him.. horrible horrible being.. if only i can keep myself under control.. all this loniness, i hate it.. who likes to feel lonely right.. and than i see some of my friends being so happy in a relationship.. all lovey dovey and stuff.. and i go like "i want that".. i want someone who i can proudly say is my bf.. someone i know my family and friends approve of.. yes i have this need to please ppl.. i need approval from my family and friends.. one of those problems i have.. i cant live for myself.. 

state of confusion.. do i wanna be here or do i wanna go back to a place where i know comfort, familiarity, somewhere i know its my home..another major confusion.. i wan to be at both places.. its like you have not eaten or drank anything in 10 days and someone asks you to chose between either water or food.. but you cant have both.. its a nightmare.. why do things become so complicating as the yrs go buy.. bdays arent jus abt presents and party and cake anymore.. its more of "shit another yr older, by 26, i wanna have my own place, engaged and settle down, which leaves me another 3 yrs.. and it takes abt 3 yrs for me to get comfortable with a guy and trust him and know him in and out for me to get married.. this means that i have to find a guy right now!!!" WTF right.. so many things still unknown and so little time left.. its like i know that life altering things are gonna happen anytime soon, and i have to be ready enough to embrace it.. wads gonna happen next? who am i gonna meet? what job am i gonna take? which is more important, comfort zone of comfort of living? jus thinking abt all this makes me wanna kill myself.. or better alternative, drown in booze.. -_-

maybe jus maybe

i thik i finally understand what ismail means by lets be friends.. maybe.... i mean when i put myself in his shoes, i think i will do the same.. if i am already in a relationship with someone i love, and ismail comes into my life again, of coz i will feel all the emotions rushing back, but i will not forgo what i have with my bf, the person i love for ismail.. my time with him has passed, he has a new chapter in his life and its wrong of me to expect him to open an old chapter..

anyways, although i do love him, i broke up with him for a reason.. we were talkin yesterday and i was jus being my usual nonsensical self.. and he kinda got freaked out.. haha he told me i am talking as if my life has ended as asked me to be my old self again.. than at the monent i reaslied how much i have changed.. i dont know why i have changed but i am not the person i used to be when i was with him.. no more the carefree person i used to be.. i had not a worry in my life.. well except for FYP but compared to the things that run in my head now and the things which i constantly worry abt, FYP is seriously nothing.. i guess as you grow older, you will definitely change and sometimes its hard for a person seeing after so long to accept the change.. if i ask my friends who have been with me throughout these yrs, they will say i am the same person, coz we have grown together..

but to tell the truth, i do miss how i used to me.. i dont like worrying abt things.. he said something that kinda woke me up.. he said it in context with something else, but it was like, what he said was an answer to somehing else in my head.. he said "you made mistakes, learn from it and dont repeat it".. true, it was very true.. i made a mistake in my past by being with ismail, i have learnt from it and now i want to make the same mistake again... which is stupid.. i should not make the same mistake right.. i mean we were not right for each other.. yes he has changed, and i have changed but if we were to be together now, it will be totally different.. it wont be the same relationship that i want.. true that we might be able to handle problems better and work things out better but maybe thats not what i want..

like i told him, i am in a state of confusion for the past 4 yrs.. i think he understood it as more becoz of him but i was referring to titus.. i dont know, soo many things has happend these yrs that i jus dont care abt anything anymore.. he told me that i will find love again.. of coz i know that.. i am so lovable.. :P but to tell the truth, i dont care.. happiness does not only rely on being in love or getting married.. there is more to life than that.. it does not mean that if you don find love, your life is miserable.. thatz just nonsense.. i can always just travel around the wrold like i have always wanted.. things change, your opionons and priorities change.. thatz life..

and than after this whole huge argument in my head, i told myself, shakthee who the hell are you kidding you do want to find love, you want to feel loved and thatz the truth.. yes i talk big, i know what is right and what i should do, but you dont always do the right actions.. i can be this strong person on the outside.. but i am a real softie inside.. and only people who know me so well can know when i am bullshitting.. hahaha..

i am trying very hard to let go, i am getting better.. i feel like i can jus be his friend.. but i dont know how i am gonna feel once i see him.. but if he wants to me to his friend than yes i will be.. i cant force a person to love me back.. i cant force anything.. its over means its over.. i should just put all the past memories aside and look at him like a new person whom i got to know..  a new friend.. yes thatz what i am gonna do.. i am not gonna think abt anything else.. i am happy.. happy thoughts shakthee happy thoughts.. like i always say, have fun, stay happy and keep smiling no matter what happens.. the lesser people know abt you, the better.. that way, i wont feel vulnerable.. yup jus block it out.. :D