hollow shell

everything is going all fine.. than out of no where there is this sudden feeling of emptiness.. i am jus lying down in bed, and somehow i feel like i am all alone.. all lone in this huge world... maybe its beco i am far away from home.. maybe i am just missing my loved ones.. or maybe i am jus feeling empty coz i dont have someone with me, someone to love, to care for,  who would care for me.. i am ready, so ready to give my love... to live with a person i love.. alot of my friends are terrified of the thought of getting married.. and that makes me think, if i have someone who i just love to bits and i know tht we are meant to be together, that nothing should worry or scare me right.. if i have that someone, and i know the age and time is right, i would be more than ready to get married and spend the rest of my life with him... i mean shouldnt that wad love mean? my friends are in a friggin relationhip for 4 or 5 yrs but they still say "i am not ready to get married, or maybe she is not the one" which makes me wanna totally slap them.. if you think they are not the right one, than wad the hell re you doin being with them?? arent you jus wasting their time?? seriously, cant you wake up!!!

i was talking to my best friend kalei a few days back.. we were just updating each other on our happenings.. and she is was telling me abt this guy.. i know him since day one.. that was in secondary sch.. for almost 10 yrs they have been having this whole confused relationship.. alot like what me and ismail have.. friends yet not friends.. its shit i tell you.. and talking abt ismail, that bugger didnt even wish me for my bday.. i am not gonna say anything though.. maybe this is how we will fallout.. which is a good thing i guess.. i don wanna be his mistress.. yet i know that i cant say no to him when he talks all sweet to me.. i am such an idiot when it comes to love.. i may talk all big and look all tough but i really am not.. 

than there is titus.. yesterday (on my bday) he messaged me that he neve wants to talk to me again.. and than in the afternoon he messaged me and said how sorry he was and that he was super drunk and all.. than i asked him what made him say such a thing and he said that he knows that i am neve gonna go back to him, and that he feels like he is desperately coming after me.. that he cant move on.. and he is trying but does not know how to.. he asked me when i will move on, and i told him, "when you stop talkin to me or when you move on" and than i added on "or when the time is right" he replied "you mean when you find the right guy" and i said yes.. so he knows that he is not the "right guy" for me.. and he knows that i am jus waiting for the right guy.. i felt so shitty coz it really sounded like "hey you know wad, i am using you until i find someone else, than i am nto gonna talk to you anymore".. i am such a horrible person.. than it got me thinking, why do i keep going back to him? why do i need to talk to him so bad? maybe he like aa best friend to me, maybe he is someone i cn talk to abt anything.. i know he will always be there for me.. so maybe i jus need the comfort and assurance.. i know i keep going back to him coz he loves me alot and when shit hppens in my life, i jus need the love.. i jus need to feel love and i go back to him.. and when everything goes okie in my life, i realise i dont need him and dump him.. horrible horrible being.. if only i can keep myself under control.. all this loniness, i hate it.. who likes to feel lonely right.. and than i see some of my friends being so happy in a relationship.. all lovey dovey and stuff.. and i go like "i want that".. i want someone who i can proudly say is my bf.. someone i know my family and friends approve of.. yes i have this need to please ppl.. i need approval from my family and friends.. one of those problems i have.. i cant live for myself.. 

state of confusion.. do i wanna be here or do i wanna go back to a place where i know comfort, familiarity, somewhere i know its my home..another major confusion.. i wan to be at both places.. its like you have not eaten or drank anything in 10 days and someone asks you to chose between either water or food.. but you cant have both.. its a nightmare.. why do things become so complicating as the yrs go buy.. bdays arent jus abt presents and party and cake anymore.. its more of "shit another yr older, by 26, i wanna have my own place, engaged and settle down, which leaves me another 3 yrs.. and it takes abt 3 yrs for me to get comfortable with a guy and trust him and know him in and out for me to get married.. this means that i have to find a guy right now!!!" WTF right.. so many things still unknown and so little time left.. its like i know that life altering things are gonna happen anytime soon, and i have to be ready enough to embrace it.. wads gonna happen next? who am i gonna meet? what job am i gonna take? which is more important, comfort zone of comfort of living? jus thinking abt all this makes me wanna kill myself.. or better alternative, drown in booze.. -_-

maybe jus maybe

i thik i finally understand what ismail means by lets be friends.. maybe.... i mean when i put myself in his shoes, i think i will do the same.. if i am already in a relationship with someone i love, and ismail comes into my life again, of coz i will feel all the emotions rushing back, but i will not forgo what i have with my bf, the person i love for ismail.. my time with him has passed, he has a new chapter in his life and its wrong of me to expect him to open an old chapter..

anyways, although i do love him, i broke up with him for a reason.. we were talkin yesterday and i was jus being my usual nonsensical self.. and he kinda got freaked out.. haha he told me i am talking as if my life has ended as asked me to be my old self again.. than at the monent i reaslied how much i have changed.. i dont know why i have changed but i am not the person i used to be when i was with him.. no more the carefree person i used to be.. i had not a worry in my life.. well except for FYP but compared to the things that run in my head now and the things which i constantly worry abt, FYP is seriously nothing.. i guess as you grow older, you will definitely change and sometimes its hard for a person seeing after so long to accept the change.. if i ask my friends who have been with me throughout these yrs, they will say i am the same person, coz we have grown together..

but to tell the truth, i do miss how i used to me.. i dont like worrying abt things.. he said something that kinda woke me up.. he said it in context with something else, but it was like, what he said was an answer to somehing else in my head.. he said "you made mistakes, learn from it and dont repeat it".. true, it was very true.. i made a mistake in my past by being with ismail, i have learnt from it and now i want to make the same mistake again... which is stupid.. i should not make the same mistake right.. i mean we were not right for each other.. yes he has changed, and i have changed but if we were to be together now, it will be totally different.. it wont be the same relationship that i want.. true that we might be able to handle problems better and work things out better but maybe thats not what i want..

like i told him, i am in a state of confusion for the past 4 yrs.. i think he understood it as more becoz of him but i was referring to titus.. i dont know, soo many things has happend these yrs that i jus dont care abt anything anymore.. he told me that i will find love again.. of coz i know that.. i am so lovable.. :P but to tell the truth, i dont care.. happiness does not only rely on being in love or getting married.. there is more to life than that.. it does not mean that if you don find love, your life is miserable.. thatz just nonsense.. i can always just travel around the wrold like i have always wanted.. things change, your opionons and priorities change.. thatz life..

and than after this whole huge argument in my head, i told myself, shakthee who the hell are you kidding you do want to find love, you want to feel loved and thatz the truth.. yes i talk big, i know what is right and what i should do, but you dont always do the right actions.. i can be this strong person on the outside.. but i am a real softie inside.. and only people who know me so well can know when i am bullshitting.. hahaha..

i am trying very hard to let go, i am getting better.. i feel like i can jus be his friend.. but i dont know how i am gonna feel once i see him.. but if he wants to me to his friend than yes i will be.. i cant force a person to love me back.. i cant force anything.. its over means its over.. i should just put all the past memories aside and look at him like a new person whom i got to know..  a new friend.. yes thatz what i am gonna do.. i am not gonna think abt anything else.. i am happy.. happy thoughts shakthee happy thoughts.. like i always say, have fun, stay happy and keep smiling no matter what happens.. the lesser people know abt you, the better.. that way, i wont feel vulnerable.. yup jus block it out.. :D

you and i

yesterday was jus crazy.. ismail and i were skyping.. all was going fine.. i mean the idiot was jus making me blush and blush.. hahaha i couldnt even look at his face properly without giving that stupid wide smile.. jus his smile was enough.. haizzz i could literally feel myself melting.. how does he do it.. seriously.. and he was soo sweet.. we were sending songs to each other and reminiscing abt the past.. it was really nice.. than it started getting quite sad.. his gf called and he went off screen to talk to her.. it was only for a min but reality bitch slapped me, he was not mine anymore.. i didnt say anything though..

the weird thing i realised was that titus and i were together for such a long long time but he neve could read my emotions.. like when i was down, even the slightest bit.. i mean of coz he knew when i was really down coz it will be all over my face.. but the small moments when i feel disturbed or something, titus could neve see it.. but ismail on the other hand, even though we were only together for 3 months, he can immediately pick up when i am down or feeling disturbed.. even if it is over the phone.. he knew me so well.. and he cared so much.. like he will keep asking and asking until i tell him.. yes it was annoying at times when i jus wanna be left alone.. but it jus showed that he cared so much.. he saw that yesterday in me.. he asked me what was bothering but i jus said nothin and continued smiling and talking abt something else.. than he jus looked at me straight and told me, "you can smile and laugh but i can see the pain in your eyes shakthee, don lie to me, coz you suck at it".. i was quite shocked for a moment.. i forgot how much he could read my face.. but i told him, i am not ready to talk abt it... and reluctantly he dropped the subject..

and than he said something.. something that just touched my heart.. i saw his eyes welling up a little but he jus controlled it.. he thought i didnt notice.. i tried controlling my tears, i could feel it coming.. i was looking all over the screen except to meet his eyes.. but i jus could take it.. went off screen and broke down.. it was shitty i tell you.. helpless, shitty, lonely feeling.. like there was jus, no one else for me kinda feeling.. i came back to the screen and saw that ismail was missing.. after a few mins he came back.. he told me he went for a smoke.. that liar.. who is he kidding.. his eyes were watery and his face was just red.. like i don know him.. we were jus staring into each other's face for the next 5 mins or so.. i mean i really don know what the both of us are doing... it was jus so bad... so much feeling locked up.. i don know wad i am gonna do when i see him.. am i gonna be filled with joy, am i gonna break down infront of him, what am i gonna do..

*_*

i really dont know what to do with myself.. i am extremely happy.. but as much as i am happy, i am miserable.. everyday i am waiting to talk to ismail.. i asked him for his gf pic today.. he sent me.. she looks pretty.. they would look good together.. i suddenly felt jealous.. i dont get jealous.. not me.. but i realised today, that i am like other gals.. i do get jealous.. and its not the haha i am jealous but it made me realise i cant be with ismail.. he is no longer mine.. why am i waiting for his call.. why do i feel like my day is incomplete without talking to him.. without hearing his voice.. without him saying my name.. 

wad am i expecting him to do?? really.. what am I doing?? the more i talk to him, the more i yearn to be with him.. but the more i realise i cant.. how long is this gonna go on?? i am hurting myself.. i really feel like telling him i cant do this, i feel like telling him that i cant just be his friend.. but i cant bring myself to do it.. i feel like i just got him back and i cant bear to lose him again.. but really, are we jus gonna continue this "secret affair"??? for how long??? i feel a little sick thinking that i am someone's secret.. but i cant stop myself from talking to him.. why cant he just chose me.. but no, i should not think that way.. i am sure the girl loves him so much.. how can i think of them splitting up?? and even the thought of him telling her i love you, or holding her hand or kissing her.. i cant accept it.. no, not my ismail.. how can he be someone else.. but thatz the reality isnt it..

but how can ismail say he loves me and tell the other girl that he loves her too.. thatz like 2 timing isnt it?? 

i feel like a home wrecker.. i neve thought i will be ONE OF THEM... shit.. this is shit.. 

maybe its karma.. maybe its becoz i hurt titus.. maybe this is how he yearned for me and maybe this is god's way of punishing me.. its painful.. this feeling.. i feel helpless... the pain of wanting so badly, yet you know you cant have it.. why cant i jus cut out my heart and throw it away.. or jus drop dead..jus sleep and never wake up.. sweet serenity of death..