zone away

aahhh seriously.. one thing which i seriously appreciate abt singapore.. EX LINK CARDS!!!! bloody hell twice i got stuck in human traffic becoz of the friggin faulty ticket i got issued today.. at central station somemore.. got through with the '1 ticket 2 people' move.. thanks to the lady behind me.. but its was more of she didnt have a choice.. hahah so kanchiong already put in the ticket before i could go out the other way.. seriously why cant they have friggin ex link card system here.. where the trains are always packed.. it will make life sooo much easier and everyone would travel more efficiently.. no more annoying rude train officers waking you up when you are sleeping in the train.. no more queing up for sooooo looonnnggg to buy ticket every morning, especially monday mornings.. and no more jam at the exit and entry points.. damn..

secondly.. i have decided to take out my lip piercing.. FOR GOOD!!! i decided it yesterday.. have no idea why suddenly but i just thought after 6 long years, i need a change.. the piercing has been with me through out the most dramatic times in my life.. and i feel like i need a fresh start.. i dont know how removing the piercing is gonna help me.. but i feel like its a much needed change.. something different in my face.. i sign that i am an adult now.. no time for silly things in my life.. something like that.. i actually feel much better.. like i have given up something old and unwanted in my life.. my poor ring is locked away in my drawer.. a new me..

and one more thing.. i have been talking to bear everyday since i came here.. bear is my poly fren.. shanker's fren actually who got introduced to me.. he used to like me.. he told me that he likes me on 2009 new year when i told him that i was spending it with my boyfren titus.. he said something like oh no, i have missed my chance.. coz i kinda liked you.. something like that.. i cant remember exactly.. i kept that message in my old hp before it got stolen.. :( but anyways i have been in contact with him all these yrs and we have grown quite close since i came here.. he is a very very nice guy.. sweet, caring, tall but a yr younger... haha anyways thatz not the point.. the point is i think he likes me.. again or still.. not sure.. i neve asked.. but i can see it in the way he talks to me.. yesterday he said he wanted to marry me and i said yea if he dares come alone and talk to my family abt it i will marry him.. thinking that he was joking.. but i am not sure anymore.. i feel weird asking him if he does like me.. i mean thatz gonna be soo weird.. how do i even ask.. but i dont have such feeling towards him.. i have no idea why.. he is a perfectly nice guy yet i dont like him in that way while i pine over idiots.. wad am i to do with myself.. anyway i should ask him.. soon.. i don wan to make him uncomfortable or make things weird between us.. it has been so nice talking to him.. makes me feel at home.. like i am not alone.. like someone cares for me afterall.. but i shouldnt lead him on.. that is if he does like me.. i should tell him.. soon soon..

it was so nice to jus zone out in the mornings.. in the train, cold breeze on your face, listening to slow songs.. jus lovely.. thought abt ismail here and there but it was not the overwhelming feeling.. i think i am over that now.. its jus nice thinking abt the future.. how i want it to be.. my perfect life.. its gonna be awesome.. i can feel it.. its gonna be just like how i want it to be.. no more nonsense.. everything will fall into place.. yes it will..

MY FUTURE HOME!!!!!

the view i want to wake up to every morning.. simple yet beautiful.. my dream home...

zzzzz

was just reading haruna's old blog.. hahahah so much memories.. kallang rivers and other random stuff.. it was nice.. than i came to 2008 mid yr period and realized i was not there for many outings.. guess that was the time where i went missing coz of ismail.. damn he jus sucked out like 3 months of my life.. but i don feel that bad abt it now.. it was a valuable lesson in my life.. which i dont think i learnt well coz i keep wanting to make the same bloody mistake!!!!!

but i am all better now.. really.. seriously.. after almost 2 weeks, i am all good.. i don miss him too much.. yea the occasional thoughts are there.. but its not like i miss him so much and nonsense like that.. i feel more focused... i dont want to be the stupid 19 yr old gal again.. life somehow feels like it skipped the past 3 yrs though.. BECOZ NOTHING HAS BEEN HAPPENING!! during my sec sch days and poly days, there was always something happening.. meeting new people and going places.. life was fun and exciting.. but these past 3 yrs, there has been nothing happening and i feel likei have jus wasted these yrs.. soooo booorrriiinnnggggg... well things have been happening but not like WOW or anything.. i dont know maybe i am jus not excited abt life anymore.. i wonder how it would have been if i did my degree in spore.. hehehe i dont think i would have been very focused.. i would have been going out too often.. its a good thing i am far away from everyone and is in aus doing my degree.. i am more focused and i am actually studying.. so its a good thing..

i do miss my poly times.. the random conversations with haruna, nessa, cs, nasri, rosey.. we will be talking absolute nonsense.. but it always felt like home.. that comfortable feeling you get around them.. like nothing can hurt you.. it was always happy.. they jus made me so happy.. the dirty jokes and bullying rosey.. hahah she was so cute and such a blur sotong.. where did everything go.. the biggest deal in the 3 yrs of poly was FYP.. hahahah how easy it was to think abt it now.. in uni i am practically doing a few reports and presentations per semester.. i guess we grow up without realizing it.. how things were such a big deal back than when actually it was nothing.. blissful life wit the rp gang...

anddddd i am back to thinking abt ismail.. hahahahahahahaha *bangs my own head on the table*

gone...

i jus realized how much i had forgotten myself.. had a long conversation with shanker.. it was really nice.. jus like old times..

where had i gone.. i guess in these 3.5 yrs i have lost myself somewhere.. forgotten my way.. who i was.. what i had wanted in life.. well i knew what i wanted in life but i was actually ready to forgo all that and for what? i need to get back on my road again.. get what i want in life.. my ultimate goal..

i have a aim and i will do anything and everything to reach it..

this is why i need shanker in my life.. he has been so important.. he always knew what to say.. he knows me that well.. even better than i know myself.. he always keeps me on track.. (i am not praising you ah shanker) :P but its the truth.. everyone needs that one person in their life.. and i am glad i have mine..

i jus don know what i am going to do with my current situation.. titus.. he will move on after me.. i really hope he will.. he always says that he wont.. but i am sure he will.. i mean this is not a tamil movie right.. but i need to know that he will.. i dont want to responsible for yet another hurt, heartbreak.. whether i am in the right or wrong, it does not matter.. but hurt is hurt.. i cant bear to know live with that kind of guilt.. it will haunt me.. even when i think abt ismail, i just want to let him know how sorry that i am that i have caused him that kind of hurt.. it does not matter what he did to me.. he might not be forgive me now but at least he needs to know that i did not mean to do what i did.. i sent him that message and i hope he can.. one day at least.. even though he has said such hurtful things in his fb, i am still not angry with him.. call it love, call it stupidity but i am not angry.. hurt.. very hurt.. yes..

well it does not matter.. i have done lots of think which i regret in life.. lots of unsaid things.. i cant possibly make all things right.. at least i have made one thing right.. already feeling much happier..