you and i

yesterday was jus crazy.. ismail and i were skyping.. all was going fine.. i mean the idiot was jus making me blush and blush.. hahaha i couldnt even look at his face properly without giving that stupid wide smile.. jus his smile was enough.. haizzz i could literally feel myself melting.. how does he do it.. seriously.. and he was soo sweet.. we were sending songs to each other and reminiscing abt the past.. it was really nice.. than it started getting quite sad.. his gf called and he went off screen to talk to her.. it was only for a min but reality bitch slapped me, he was not mine anymore.. i didnt say anything though..

the weird thing i realised was that titus and i were together for such a long long time but he neve could read my emotions.. like when i was down, even the slightest bit.. i mean of coz he knew when i was really down coz it will be all over my face.. but the small moments when i feel disturbed or something, titus could neve see it.. but ismail on the other hand, even though we were only together for 3 months, he can immediately pick up when i am down or feeling disturbed.. even if it is over the phone.. he knew me so well.. and he cared so much.. like he will keep asking and asking until i tell him.. yes it was annoying at times when i jus wanna be left alone.. but it jus showed that he cared so much.. he saw that yesterday in me.. he asked me what was bothering but i jus said nothin and continued smiling and talking abt something else.. than he jus looked at me straight and told me, "you can smile and laugh but i can see the pain in your eyes shakthee, don lie to me, coz you suck at it".. i was quite shocked for a moment.. i forgot how much he could read my face.. but i told him, i am not ready to talk abt it... and reluctantly he dropped the subject..

and than he said something.. something that just touched my heart.. i saw his eyes welling up a little but he jus controlled it.. he thought i didnt notice.. i tried controlling my tears, i could feel it coming.. i was looking all over the screen except to meet his eyes.. but i jus could take it.. went off screen and broke down.. it was shitty i tell you.. helpless, shitty, lonely feeling.. like there was jus, no one else for me kinda feeling.. i came back to the screen and saw that ismail was missing.. after a few mins he came back.. he told me he went for a smoke.. that liar.. who is he kidding.. his eyes were watery and his face was just red.. like i don know him.. we were jus staring into each other's face for the next 5 mins or so.. i mean i really don know what the both of us are doing... it was jus so bad... so much feeling locked up.. i don know wad i am gonna do when i see him.. am i gonna be filled with joy, am i gonna break down infront of him, what am i gonna do..

*_*

i really dont know what to do with myself.. i am extremely happy.. but as much as i am happy, i am miserable.. everyday i am waiting to talk to ismail.. i asked him for his gf pic today.. he sent me.. she looks pretty.. they would look good together.. i suddenly felt jealous.. i dont get jealous.. not me.. but i realised today, that i am like other gals.. i do get jealous.. and its not the haha i am jealous but it made me realise i cant be with ismail.. he is no longer mine.. why am i waiting for his call.. why do i feel like my day is incomplete without talking to him.. without hearing his voice.. without him saying my name.. 

wad am i expecting him to do?? really.. what am I doing?? the more i talk to him, the more i yearn to be with him.. but the more i realise i cant.. how long is this gonna go on?? i am hurting myself.. i really feel like telling him i cant do this, i feel like telling him that i cant just be his friend.. but i cant bring myself to do it.. i feel like i just got him back and i cant bear to lose him again.. but really, are we jus gonna continue this "secret affair"??? for how long??? i feel a little sick thinking that i am someone's secret.. but i cant stop myself from talking to him.. why cant he just chose me.. but no, i should not think that way.. i am sure the girl loves him so much.. how can i think of them splitting up?? and even the thought of him telling her i love you, or holding her hand or kissing her.. i cant accept it.. no, not my ismail.. how can he be someone else.. but thatz the reality isnt it..

but how can ismail say he loves me and tell the other girl that he loves her too.. thatz like 2 timing isnt it?? 

i feel like a home wrecker.. i neve thought i will be ONE OF THEM... shit.. this is shit.. 

maybe its karma.. maybe its becoz i hurt titus.. maybe this is how he yearned for me and maybe this is god's way of punishing me.. its painful.. this feeling.. i feel helpless... the pain of wanting so badly, yet you know you cant have it.. why cant i jus cut out my heart and throw it away.. or jus drop dead..jus sleep and never wake up.. sweet serenity of death..

DONE!!!!!

well finally its done.. i broke up with titus yesterday.. he amazingly took it well.. i mean he posted something abt it in fb, like how pissed off he was.. but he didnt make it difficult for me.. when i was talkin to him, it seemes like he was busy doing something else.. like what i was saying was not important.. had alot of hold on, and alot of movement sounds over the phone.. felt like i was talking to the wall actually.. but when i told him what i had to tell him, he said, " yea this is what you keep telling me, but you end up coming back to me" than i told him yea thatz coz when i see you, the feeling come rushing back.. than he was all so serious and stern and said " when you come singapore, better dont meet me or call me, delete my number off your phone and i will not contact you anymore.. study well and take care".. and he put down the phone.. i was surprised.. but well there was no drama or anything.. like i didnt feel that bad..

actually after i put down the phone, i didnt feel any different at all.. not much difference actually.. coz in the first place, i never felt like i was in a relationship with him. back i had to keep reminding myself that i was.. like there will always be this voice at the back of my head which keeps telling me that i have a boyfren.. this guilty irritating feeling.. like i was not free.. i was contrained to someone.. its really not the feeling you should get when you are in a relationship.. i mean i love him and all.. i care for him.. but its jus not the strong feeling of love.. its more like yea i love you as a friend kinda feeling..

but finally its done.. and this time around, i am sooo not gonna meet him.. anyways even if i do, i wont go back to him.. i know i keep saying this but this time i really dont feel anything for him already.. i know it will never work out between me and titus..

that reminds me, there was a point during our conversation where i almost said ismail instead of titus.. hahahah LUCKY I DIDNT!!! oh god, how that would have turned out.. but i really hope he jus moves on and finds someone else.. i have a very strong feeling that he will.. this time around.. i think he is just sick and tired of this whole break up patch back thing.. i could sense that in the way he talked.. and he is much social now.. like i can see that he goes out more often and meets his friends more often.. not like last time.. so i really think he will move on soon.. he wont have a problem of finding someone else, there are already a few chicks who like him.. so he can jus chose from there.. hehehe.. i think they will suit him much better.. kinda in the same frequency as him.. i am trying to be arrogant coz i am educated and all.. i feel like i am being like that at times and its one of the reason why i was with him.. to tell myself that i am not like that.. but in reality it is the truth.. i am really not trying to be mean or i am not degrading him.. but its the choices that he made in life which has put him in this situation now.. which has made the both of us not compatible for each other..

another reason why i was with him was becoz of his family.. they all just adored me and it was so nice to be loved by someone else's family.. you know.. they all were so nice to me.. made me feel so important.. they always sided me.. and i feel like i betrayed their trust.. but i cant possibly be with him just for his family right.. i mean thats just nonsense.. but whats done is done.. and i hope he finds a girl soon and lives his life happily.. i dont know if he will be able to fully get over me, given the moments we shared.. but i really hope he does..

life goes on..

HAPPY!!!!! HAPPY!!!!

i just cant stop smiling.. these past few days have just been the most amazing days... ismail replied!!!!! on sunday.. the moment i saw the message, my heart literally stopped beating for a moment.. i could feel my face becoming hot.. as usual i went to his profile the moment i logged into my laptop and saw that he had added a sch in his profile.. asked haruna if you need to log in to do that.. she said yes and i was wondering it he had seen my message and deliberately not replied to it.. she asked me to resend the message.. so i did but added the sentence "if you want to ignore me please tell me so that i wont be driving myself crazy".. in 10 to 15 mins he replied.. it seems that he did reply to the message the day after i sent that message to him, using his friend's profile but i never got it.. :( anyways he said its okie.. and i just had to continue the conversation.. i told him i need to talk to him and i have some questions for him.. i typed wadever i felt... he messaged me using his friend's fb account.. asking if he can call coz to explain to me what had happened.. he called.. i just froze when i heard his voice.. there was jus air and some weird squeaks coming from my lips.. hhahaha.. but yea he talked to me.. and HE HAS A GF!!!! haizz.. so depressing..

anyways we talked.. than we skyped.. i got to see his smile!!!!! it was the most amazing smile.. the smile i loved.. the smile which never fails to melt my heart.. i couldnt stop smiling at him.. hahaha.. and than he called me at night.. we talked and talked the whole night.. i went to sch without sleeping.. but it didnt matter coz i was just over the moon.. 

he still loves me... but how sad is it that he has a gf.. he has changed soo much.. like soo much.. i can see it from the way he talks.. so different.. so much more mature in his thinking.. and he said the same to me.. he told me i have changed alot.. like in a good way.. more matured.. i guess it was just our age at that time.. i just didnt know how to handle a relationship.. i didnt know the "rules" of being in a relationship.. i was just too stubborn in my ways.. its either my way or no way.. i guess being with titus has thought be alot.. abt giving in and stuff.. 

oh god.. titus.. i wonder how i am gonna break up with him when i come sg.. its got nothing to do with ismail.. i didnt want to be in a relationship with him again.. but it jus happened the last time i went sg.. and i just want to get out of it.. but breaking up with him AGAIN!!! the fourth time.. thatz gonna destroy him.. how do i even say the words. its like i have said those words 3 times previously and i am jus gonna repeat myself.. i am just such a terrible person.. and he is just gonna forgive me and tell me he will wait for me.. but i dont think i can ever forgive myself.. i am just hurting him over and over again.. and its not like he will jus accept it and move on.. he will jus wait.. i dont know how long he is gonna wait but it will be at least a yr more.. i dont wan him to do anything stupid.. like he did previously... i mean he is finally in a job and is taking courses to improve and stuff.. and i dont wan him to screw anything up coz of me.. like start drinking again and stuff.. that will jus eat me alive. to think that i screwed up someone's life like that..

i dont know.. rosey and haruna said they will be somewhere around there for moral support.. i really think i need it man.. 

and than coming back to ismail.. we talked abt what happened after our breakup.. ALOT happened... sajiv was a total bastard i tell you.. he literally made up stories and screwed up everything.. some of the things which sajiv told me that ismail said might have been possible.. but he was stupid and angry.. he is bound to say such things.. but some of the things that sajiv claimed ismail said NEVER happened.. ismail never asked his shirt back.. and he gave sajiv the card i made him but it never came back to me.. neither did he give back the shirt to sajiv.. i dont know what the felle was thinking.. 

anyways i am just very happy that ismail and i are talking again.. i mean he has a gf and all.. but we can always be just friends right.. hahaha yea who am i kidding.. but i just love talking to him.. the way he says my name.. never thought i will hear it again.. and i cant believe i am actually talking to him.. jus feels like the old times.. in my room, talking to him for hours at night.. hehehe.. he is just so sweet.. 

even IF he had said all those things abt me after we broke up, i really cant be angry with him now.. i jus cant help myself from just feeling the love for him.. every time i talk to him, my heart skips a beat.. and i can never stop smiling.. seriously, titus has never made me feel this way.. i don know if i am being mean but really he has never made me this happy.. 

i am meeting ismail!! hehe we are going to the zoo.. so happy.. not alone.. we both agreed that, that will be a bad idea.. :DDDDDDDDD this is my face right now.. hahahah... 

but i cant help but feel disturbed some times.. feel like its wrong of me to be even talking to him.. i mean its my fault that i even rekindled all those feelings in ismail.. i should not have talked to him again.. i feel like i am coming inbetween him and his gf.. like he is cheating on her by just talking to me.. how would i feel if this was happening to me right.. i would rather have my bf break up with me than to talk to his ex gf behind my back.. but i dont wan ismail and his gf to break up either.. its really not fair for her.. he loves her and i think the both of them deserve that happiness.. and plus his mom hates me.. but loves her.. reality is a total bitch.. but as much as i know wad i am doing is wrong, i cant stop it.. i cant stop myself from talking to him.. 

why do i get myself into such troubles.. really.. i should jus stay away from guys i tell you.. guys be aware.. i am the girl your friends warned you abt.. i have just 2 ex bfs and i have given them so much torture.. oh god..