HAPPY!!!!! HAPPY!!!!

i just cant stop smiling.. these past few days have just been the most amazing days... ismail replied!!!!! on sunday.. the moment i saw the message, my heart literally stopped beating for a moment.. i could feel my face becoming hot.. as usual i went to his profile the moment i logged into my laptop and saw that he had added a sch in his profile.. asked haruna if you need to log in to do that.. she said yes and i was wondering it he had seen my message and deliberately not replied to it.. she asked me to resend the message.. so i did but added the sentence "if you want to ignore me please tell me so that i wont be driving myself crazy".. in 10 to 15 mins he replied.. it seems that he did reply to the message the day after i sent that message to him, using his friend's profile but i never got it.. :( anyways he said its okie.. and i just had to continue the conversation.. i told him i need to talk to him and i have some questions for him.. i typed wadever i felt... he messaged me using his friend's fb account.. asking if he can call coz to explain to me what had happened.. he called.. i just froze when i heard his voice.. there was jus air and some weird squeaks coming from my lips.. hhahaha.. but yea he talked to me.. and HE HAS A GF!!!! haizz.. so depressing..

anyways we talked.. than we skyped.. i got to see his smile!!!!! it was the most amazing smile.. the smile i loved.. the smile which never fails to melt my heart.. i couldnt stop smiling at him.. hahaha.. and than he called me at night.. we talked and talked the whole night.. i went to sch without sleeping.. but it didnt matter coz i was just over the moon.. 

he still loves me... but how sad is it that he has a gf.. he has changed soo much.. like soo much.. i can see it from the way he talks.. so different.. so much more mature in his thinking.. and he said the same to me.. he told me i have changed alot.. like in a good way.. more matured.. i guess it was just our age at that time.. i just didnt know how to handle a relationship.. i didnt know the "rules" of being in a relationship.. i was just too stubborn in my ways.. its either my way or no way.. i guess being with titus has thought be alot.. abt giving in and stuff.. 

oh god.. titus.. i wonder how i am gonna break up with him when i come sg.. its got nothing to do with ismail.. i didnt want to be in a relationship with him again.. but it jus happened the last time i went sg.. and i just want to get out of it.. but breaking up with him AGAIN!!! the fourth time.. thatz gonna destroy him.. how do i even say the words. its like i have said those words 3 times previously and i am jus gonna repeat myself.. i am just such a terrible person.. and he is just gonna forgive me and tell me he will wait for me.. but i dont think i can ever forgive myself.. i am just hurting him over and over again.. and its not like he will jus accept it and move on.. he will jus wait.. i dont know how long he is gonna wait but it will be at least a yr more.. i dont wan him to do anything stupid.. like he did previously... i mean he is finally in a job and is taking courses to improve and stuff.. and i dont wan him to screw anything up coz of me.. like start drinking again and stuff.. that will jus eat me alive. to think that i screwed up someone's life like that..

i dont know.. rosey and haruna said they will be somewhere around there for moral support.. i really think i need it man.. 

and than coming back to ismail.. we talked abt what happened after our breakup.. ALOT happened... sajiv was a total bastard i tell you.. he literally made up stories and screwed up everything.. some of the things which sajiv told me that ismail said might have been possible.. but he was stupid and angry.. he is bound to say such things.. but some of the things that sajiv claimed ismail said NEVER happened.. ismail never asked his shirt back.. and he gave sajiv the card i made him but it never came back to me.. neither did he give back the shirt to sajiv.. i dont know what the felle was thinking.. 

anyways i am just very happy that ismail and i are talking again.. i mean he has a gf and all.. but we can always be just friends right.. hahaha yea who am i kidding.. but i just love talking to him.. the way he says my name.. never thought i will hear it again.. and i cant believe i am actually talking to him.. jus feels like the old times.. in my room, talking to him for hours at night.. hehehe.. he is just so sweet.. 

even IF he had said all those things abt me after we broke up, i really cant be angry with him now.. i jus cant help myself from just feeling the love for him.. every time i talk to him, my heart skips a beat.. and i can never stop smiling.. seriously, titus has never made me feel this way.. i don know if i am being mean but really he has never made me this happy.. 

i am meeting ismail!! hehe we are going to the zoo.. so happy.. not alone.. we both agreed that, that will be a bad idea.. :DDDDDDDDD this is my face right now.. hahahah... 

but i cant help but feel disturbed some times.. feel like its wrong of me to be even talking to him.. i mean its my fault that i even rekindled all those feelings in ismail.. i should not have talked to him again.. i feel like i am coming inbetween him and his gf.. like he is cheating on her by just talking to me.. how would i feel if this was happening to me right.. i would rather have my bf break up with me than to talk to his ex gf behind my back.. but i dont wan ismail and his gf to break up either.. its really not fair for her.. he loves her and i think the both of them deserve that happiness.. and plus his mom hates me.. but loves her.. reality is a total bitch.. but as much as i know wad i am doing is wrong, i cant stop it.. i cant stop myself from talking to him.. 

why do i get myself into such troubles.. really.. i should jus stay away from guys i tell you.. guys be aware.. i am the girl your friends warned you abt.. i have just 2 ex bfs and i have given them so much torture.. oh god..