what have i become

so its a nice sat morning.. the sun is shining.. the birds are chirping.. probably.. and i am sitting at my desk all ready to jump into doing my assignment which is due on tue.. as per my usual routine, i checked my fb.. the first thing i do when i switch on my laptop.. and as usual, i went to ismail's account.. i have no idea why i do that but you know i just stare at his pic a few seconds before i log out.. okie i know, its creepy.. haha.. i dont know why but i the maps he had on his profile caught my eye. his most signed in place which is his CD headquarters.. i just clicked on the map and saw another spot there.. his home.. hougang..

i always thought he stayed in AMK.. coz we usually walk from AMK station to his house.. i totally forgot how to walk to his place though.. but anyways i went to google earth and checked it out to see if it was indeed his home address.. and the next thing i knew, i was staring at his block and the table that i used to sit at and wait for him was beside his block on the picture.. and all the memories just came rushing back... the same place where he peeked at me from his hall window once when i was waiting for him.. the same place where i did something really stupid and ended up in a whole emotional disaster.. and the same place where i realized how much he loved me (during one of our usual quarrels).. so so much memories..

and suddenly i realized what the hell i was doing.. like how creepy and insane i have become over him.. i cant believe i was actually doing what i was doing.. how insane is it.. i have become his facebook STALKER!!!! me!!! oh god.. i am driving myself insane.. what am i doing..

i had a dream abt him again.. that i went to his workplace in singapore to meet him.. but i woke up the moment i saw him.. it has been more than a month since i sent him the message and as each day passes, after every dream i have abt him, the desperation of talking to him is just increasing.. i am constantly thinking abt ways i can get his number and contact him.. i have become this person that i hate.. this crazy, idiotic person.. even now i am actually thinking abt lookin through the yellow pages to get his number using his address..

I HAVE GOT TO STOP MYSELF!!!  i have to keep this insanity under control or i am seriously gonna do something stupid which i am gonna regret.. all i want is to talk to him.. why is it so difficult.. i KNOW he will reply to me once he sees my fb message.. but when is that gonna be?? when is he gonna see my message? when is he gonna check his friggin fb?? the longer this takes, the more crazy i am becoming.. what has he done to me... what have i done to myself.. why did this have to happen.. oh god.. if i was in spore right now, i think i would seriously have just gone down to his block.. i swear i would have done that.. so thank god i am in australia right now...

i told his fren karthik how i felt and that i really need to talk to him.. but i dont know and i dont think he is actually trying his best to get me his number.. he seems a little suspicious.. like he would rather "keep me for himself" kinda thing.. coz firstly, which fren (especially a guy) would talk to his fren's ex galfren right.. like doesnt that go against their "bro code".. and secondly he is so nice to me.. again which fren would be so nice to his fren's ex galfren especially after the super dramatic break up we had.. but now he is the only link remaining between me and ismail.. so i have to just suck it up and be nice to him.. i am terrible.. in every way possible..

when did i become this totally strange person.. i dont even recognize myself anymore.. i used to think that as a person, i was really nice.. i didnt mean any harm to anyone and i cared for everyone.. but now i realise that as much as i have been nice to someone, i have hurt another person twice as much.. i have been so selfish and didnt even realise it.. i was just so full of myself.. if only i can go back and do right all the wrongs..

if i go back in time, i would not stop myself from dating ismail.. i would stop myself from dating titus though.. and than i think, is it true that girls get attracted to idiots.. i mean obviously titus is a much better guy than ismail.. in the way he took care of me and stuff.. but why.. why am i soo in love with ismail.. even after all he did to me, why do i want him and not the better guy.. this is the point where i take a slipper and beat myself.. i deserve it..

what am i going to do... how long can i last before i really do something stupid..