why!?!?!?!?!?

woke up today feeling shitty for 2 reasons.. first i am sick.. f-ed up.. its not the kind of flu where you just have a runny nose.. its the kind when your ears, throat hurts so bad each time you swollow your saliva.. didnt get much sleep at all.. next up, my dream.. finally when i fell asleep, i was abrubtly woken up by my dream.. and yes after that i had to say goodbye to my sleep..

it was abt ismail.. god!! he is literally killing me without being in my life.. why is he doing this to me.. i dreamt that i met up with him.. it was a totally weird place.. but it felt like i know the place.. it felt like i have been there before.. anyways i was with him and we were talkin abt something.. and than he hugged me.. it felt so right.. the weird thing was not dreaming abt him.. but i actualy felt him hugging me.. you know how they say that you don actually feel anything when you are dreaming. as in emotions wise.. but i felt my heart beating so fast and i felt the thingly feeling when he hugged me (the good kind) and i can remember his face.. exactly like how it was 4 yrs ago.. he was so close to me.. i was lying down on his arms and he was jus smiling at me.. and he kissed me.. and thatz when i woke up.. silly, stupid.. i dont know but i was just lying on my bed confused and feeling miserable and sick.. not a good way to start my day..

am i that into him.. i really dont understand this whole thing abt him.. why after 4 yrs i am feeling this.. shouldnt i be over and done with this.. done with him.. than  why???

and i am sitting in my uni, having missed my first class.. firstly coz i forgot to bring tissue and my nose was just dripping that i had to run to the toilet to blow my nose.. that made me late.. my lecturer DOES NOT like late comers.. so i decided to avoild the unnesserary emmbarresment and skipped class.. and our song (mine and ismail's) started playing my my phone.. like that is gonna make things bette.. so yea not surprisingly i broke down in my uni.. thank god its a deserted place in the mornings.. these tears are not solely becoz of him.. its also due to my unstopping flow of mucous.. hate feeling sick.. just one at a time please.. its either i am just sick or i am thinking abt him.. i cant handle both at the same time!!!!!

and coming to something else.. titus.. god!!! he called yesterday.. and being a bitch, i did not really talk to him properly.. poor boy.. he called me so lovingly and of coz i didnt show him what i was feeling but i know in my heart that i am not doing the right thing.. all i could think abt was ismail.. like i am cheating titus emotionally you know.. even at the end of the conversation when he said i love you, i said it back. but it was just words.. it had no feeling attached to it.. and its totally against my morals.. i have always and only said those words when i really feel it.. but to him, its just words.. i am not lying to him.. i am just lying to myself... i am cheating both him and me.. i hate doing this to him.. but how can i end things with him yet again.. a 3rd time.. i cant bring myself to do it.. i am such a terrible person.. why must he love me so much.. it just makes things so hard for me.. why cant he realise that its not gonna work out and leave me.. just leave me titus..

stop dripping nose!!!!! have to run to the toilet again.. seriously feel like chopping off my nose.. this is what global warming does to you.. the abrupt change in weather.. this ALWAYS happens during the beggining of winter.. ISMAIL!!!! TITUS!!! NOSE!!!! i was wanna run somehwere and hide..