what the hell am i thinking

argghhh.. why does this always happen when i come back to sg.. seriously.. i keep myself so strong and think that i can handle it when i am there but the moment i am here, all my will power basically goes out the window.. i wonder if i will ever get over this feeling.. i think i will.. i hope i do.. its inevitable for me to go near titus's house.. my close friend stays there so i cant stop myself from going there.. and every single time, after dropping him off, when i go pass titus house, all the memories will rush back (not that those were ever gone) and i will be so tempted to do the stupidest things eg call him up or sit under his blk hoping to see him..

i did something midly stupid the day before yesterday.. sandiran called me and told me he and a few others were hanging out and asked me to join them.. i said okie for two reasons, coz i jus wanted to hang out and secondly coz i was hoping to see him.. why? or what i will do after seeing him? i had no idea.. i didnt even think abt it.. i know the onsequences would have been bad.. really bad.. but at that point of time, i jus didnt care.. now that i have a bf as of 26th nov.. its like i know i am not supposed to do some things and not feel some things.. i guess its keeping me under control.. but am i not supposed to feel all these in the first place..

in the cab, shanker was like, "shakthee you are playing a dangerous game" and i realised that i am doing something i am seriously not supposed to be doing.. argghhh why????? why cant i jus be happy with one guy.. i have the most amazing guy with me and i am thinkin abt titus.. i sat down to think why i am feeling this way.. i realised that i am not thinkin abt the reasons why i broke up with titus.. the reason why we went our seperate ways.. i am jus feeling wad i want to feel.. which is totally dumb.. maybe i jus want something i caant have.. the more it looks appealing to me and the more i want it..

i definitely know that if i do get back together with titus, i will regret it.. AGAIN... like i always do.. maybe its a feeling of comfort being with titus.. he is my confort zone, he was someone who knew me very well and was there for me.. i guess he is jus someone familiar to me.. now when i think abt dinesh, there is no memories yet.. we have to create those memories and probably i wont think abt titus after that coz i wont have the need to.. until than i think i jus have to control myself from not doing anything stupid and try to distract myself as much as possible..

sometimes i wonder if i am jus fickle minded with guys.. like maybe i keep picking on stuff and finding reasons to break up with them becoz i may be afraid of commitment? maybe i am afraid i might be missing out on something bette? maybe i have this illusion of a perfect relationsship of marriage and when i see someone who lacks one or two of those "requirements" i feel that they are the one.. maybe my mind is just filled with nonsense abt what a perfect relationship is all about.. is that what is ruinging my life? i remember being very happy when i was with titus in the whole "go with the flow" relationship.. things started getting bad when i started to think that i want to marry this guy.. when things started to get serious.. i wonder if that is considered fear of commitment.. coz i realise that happens to me alot.. i get really scared when things start getting serious.. shit.. i cant believe i am like that.. i never thought that would be a problem for me.. i dont know wad i am supposed to do.. what should be my next step.. i dont want to hurt dinesh like i how i hurt titus.. i am not gonna have that on my conscience as well..

for now, i have got to stop thinking abt titus.. i am indeed walking on dangerous ground..

'Happy' is just an understatement

well hehehehe god i cant stop smiling to myself or giggling whenever i think abt dinesh.. he used to be from rp as well.. and i got to know him this yr through ragu.. i really have to built a temple for him.. hahahah

its like we just have sooo much to talk abt and he makes me laugh.. laugh like a looney.. no one (other than my close friends) have made me laugh this much.. i LOVE talking to him.. we just talk for hrs and hrs and than we would pause and we will start laughing becoz we would be talking abt the most ridiculous nonsensical things.. and than we would continue talking abt absolute nonsense again.. i just feel so comfortable with him.. i dont have to try and impress him in any way.. and the amazing thing is that we gets impressed by me without me even trying.. how often does that happen right.. and same for him.. he tells me that he feels like he can be himself with me and that its so easy to talk to me.. :)))

i love how we have soo much things in common to the extend it gets so freaky.. he loves irish music!! seriously, the first person i know who loves irish music and listen to enya.. how perfect.. we will be just talking abt ramdom things and we will realise we love the same thing.. and we will bursst out laughing.. we both find it really amazing that we have sooooo much things in common.. perfect i tell you.. we connect on so many levels.. 

the first time i talked to him, i really liked his voice... its been very long since i actually noticed someone's voice.. and i dont know wad abt his voice that i jus love.. it has something which jus makes me wanna listen to it all night long.. i know it sounds super cheesy but i cant deny wad it is.. we are almost too similar in character as well.. things we like, our perspective, views, so much.. i love how he is very close to his family, love how he respects his elders, loves how he has a kind heart, love how he loves animals, loves how he knows how to party and at the same time study as well, love how he has knows the balance in life, love how he knows what he wants in life.. and the list goes on..

i feel so connected with him and i jus cant wait to see him.. seriously.. i feel so blessed to know him and finally have someone in my life i can connect with so much.. i feel like a sec sch gal whenever i talk to him.. haha all giggly and retarded.. he makes my heart skip a beat.. literally.. and gives me the butterfly in the tummy feeling.. makes me smile at my laptop like i am insane and makes me want to talk to him every night.. 

its amazing how you meet someone so unexpectedly.. we have been in the same poly for 3 yrs.. we have seen each other around alot, but never knew how much we are alike and that one day, after 3 yrs, we will be talking to each other.. life is full of surprises isnt it.. but maybe its a good thing that i am talking to him now.. after the experiences and things i went through with ismail and titus.. i am more ready mentally and emotionally (maybe) to be with someone.. i know what to do, what not to do, how to handle situations and be with someone.. i am have def learnt alot in life and i would def say that i look at life and relationships very differently.. i have grown up.. maybe now i am ready to be with someone.. things happen in life for a reason.. i guess no matter how painful the lessons were, they mould you and make you the person you are.. it might be for the better or for the worst.. it depends on how you take the lessons.. i am glad i talked to ismail again, glad i know wad i have left behind and why i did it.. yes wad i felt for him, the memoires are still with me.. but after how he behaved, i realised he is not worth my emotions at all.. memories are there but i wont let it affect me.. i really hope titus moves on in life as well.. i am very sure he will.. i hope its soon.. :) 

everyday is a bight new day, i wake up with a smile on my face and look forward to the day as i know i will get to talk to him yet again.. i dont know wad you call this feeling.. but i know there is def something.. i have yet to explore this.. time will show me the way.. i think both dinesh and i know once we meet up.. counting down to the days till i get to see him..

hollow shell

everything is going all fine.. than out of no where there is this sudden feeling of emptiness.. i am jus lying down in bed, and somehow i feel like i am all alone.. all lone in this huge world... maybe its beco i am far away from home.. maybe i am just missing my loved ones.. or maybe i am jus feeling empty coz i dont have someone with me, someone to love, to care for,  who would care for me.. i am ready, so ready to give my love... to live with a person i love.. alot of my friends are terrified of the thought of getting married.. and that makes me think, if i have someone who i just love to bits and i know tht we are meant to be together, that nothing should worry or scare me right.. if i have that someone, and i know the age and time is right, i would be more than ready to get married and spend the rest of my life with him... i mean shouldnt that wad love mean? my friends are in a friggin relationhip for 4 or 5 yrs but they still say "i am not ready to get married, or maybe she is not the one" which makes me wanna totally slap them.. if you think they are not the right one, than wad the hell re you doin being with them?? arent you jus wasting their time?? seriously, cant you wake up!!!

i was talking to my best friend kalei a few days back.. we were just updating each other on our happenings.. and she is was telling me abt this guy.. i know him since day one.. that was in secondary sch.. for almost 10 yrs they have been having this whole confused relationship.. alot like what me and ismail have.. friends yet not friends.. its shit i tell you.. and talking abt ismail, that bugger didnt even wish me for my bday.. i am not gonna say anything though.. maybe this is how we will fallout.. which is a good thing i guess.. i don wanna be his mistress.. yet i know that i cant say no to him when he talks all sweet to me.. i am such an idiot when it comes to love.. i may talk all big and look all tough but i really am not.. 

than there is titus.. yesterday (on my bday) he messaged me that he neve wants to talk to me again.. and than in the afternoon he messaged me and said how sorry he was and that he was super drunk and all.. than i asked him what made him say such a thing and he said that he knows that i am neve gonna go back to him, and that he feels like he is desperately coming after me.. that he cant move on.. and he is trying but does not know how to.. he asked me when i will move on, and i told him, "when you stop talkin to me or when you move on" and than i added on "or when the time is right" he replied "you mean when you find the right guy" and i said yes.. so he knows that he is not the "right guy" for me.. and he knows that i am jus waiting for the right guy.. i felt so shitty coz it really sounded like "hey you know wad, i am using you until i find someone else, than i am nto gonna talk to you anymore".. i am such a horrible person.. than it got me thinking, why do i keep going back to him? why do i need to talk to him so bad? maybe he like aa best friend to me, maybe he is someone i cn talk to abt anything.. i know he will always be there for me.. so maybe i jus need the comfort and assurance.. i know i keep going back to him coz he loves me alot and when shit hppens in my life, i jus need the love.. i jus need to feel love and i go back to him.. and when everything goes okie in my life, i realise i dont need him and dump him.. horrible horrible being.. if only i can keep myself under control.. all this loniness, i hate it.. who likes to feel lonely right.. and than i see some of my friends being so happy in a relationship.. all lovey dovey and stuff.. and i go like "i want that".. i want someone who i can proudly say is my bf.. someone i know my family and friends approve of.. yes i have this need to please ppl.. i need approval from my family and friends.. one of those problems i have.. i cant live for myself.. 

state of confusion.. do i wanna be here or do i wanna go back to a place where i know comfort, familiarity, somewhere i know its my home..another major confusion.. i wan to be at both places.. its like you have not eaten or drank anything in 10 days and someone asks you to chose between either water or food.. but you cant have both.. its a nightmare.. why do things become so complicating as the yrs go buy.. bdays arent jus abt presents and party and cake anymore.. its more of "shit another yr older, by 26, i wanna have my own place, engaged and settle down, which leaves me another 3 yrs.. and it takes abt 3 yrs for me to get comfortable with a guy and trust him and know him in and out for me to get married.. this means that i have to find a guy right now!!!" WTF right.. so many things still unknown and so little time left.. its like i know that life altering things are gonna happen anytime soon, and i have to be ready enough to embrace it.. wads gonna happen next? who am i gonna meet? what job am i gonna take? which is more important, comfort zone of comfort of living? jus thinking abt all this makes me wanna kill myself.. or better alternative, drown in booze.. -_-

maybe jus maybe

i thik i finally understand what ismail means by lets be friends.. maybe.... i mean when i put myself in his shoes, i think i will do the same.. if i am already in a relationship with someone i love, and ismail comes into my life again, of coz i will feel all the emotions rushing back, but i will not forgo what i have with my bf, the person i love for ismail.. my time with him has passed, he has a new chapter in his life and its wrong of me to expect him to open an old chapter..

anyways, although i do love him, i broke up with him for a reason.. we were talkin yesterday and i was jus being my usual nonsensical self.. and he kinda got freaked out.. haha he told me i am talking as if my life has ended as asked me to be my old self again.. than at the monent i reaslied how much i have changed.. i dont know why i have changed but i am not the person i used to be when i was with him.. no more the carefree person i used to be.. i had not a worry in my life.. well except for FYP but compared to the things that run in my head now and the things which i constantly worry abt, FYP is seriously nothing.. i guess as you grow older, you will definitely change and sometimes its hard for a person seeing after so long to accept the change.. if i ask my friends who have been with me throughout these yrs, they will say i am the same person, coz we have grown together..

but to tell the truth, i do miss how i used to me.. i dont like worrying abt things.. he said something that kinda woke me up.. he said it in context with something else, but it was like, what he said was an answer to somehing else in my head.. he said "you made mistakes, learn from it and dont repeat it".. true, it was very true.. i made a mistake in my past by being with ismail, i have learnt from it and now i want to make the same mistake again... which is stupid.. i should not make the same mistake right.. i mean we were not right for each other.. yes he has changed, and i have changed but if we were to be together now, it will be totally different.. it wont be the same relationship that i want.. true that we might be able to handle problems better and work things out better but maybe thats not what i want..

like i told him, i am in a state of confusion for the past 4 yrs.. i think he understood it as more becoz of him but i was referring to titus.. i dont know, soo many things has happend these yrs that i jus dont care abt anything anymore.. he told me that i will find love again.. of coz i know that.. i am so lovable.. :P but to tell the truth, i dont care.. happiness does not only rely on being in love or getting married.. there is more to life than that.. it does not mean that if you don find love, your life is miserable.. thatz just nonsense.. i can always just travel around the wrold like i have always wanted.. things change, your opionons and priorities change.. thatz life..

and than after this whole huge argument in my head, i told myself, shakthee who the hell are you kidding you do want to find love, you want to feel loved and thatz the truth.. yes i talk big, i know what is right and what i should do, but you dont always do the right actions.. i can be this strong person on the outside.. but i am a real softie inside.. and only people who know me so well can know when i am bullshitting.. hahaha..

i am trying very hard to let go, i am getting better.. i feel like i can jus be his friend.. but i dont know how i am gonna feel once i see him.. but if he wants to me to his friend than yes i will be.. i cant force a person to love me back.. i cant force anything.. its over means its over.. i should just put all the past memories aside and look at him like a new person whom i got to know..  a new friend.. yes thatz what i am gonna do.. i am not gonna think abt anything else.. i am happy.. happy thoughts shakthee happy thoughts.. like i always say, have fun, stay happy and keep smiling no matter what happens.. the lesser people know abt you, the better.. that way, i wont feel vulnerable.. yup jus block it out.. :D

you and i

yesterday was jus crazy.. ismail and i were skyping.. all was going fine.. i mean the idiot was jus making me blush and blush.. hahaha i couldnt even look at his face properly without giving that stupid wide smile.. jus his smile was enough.. haizzz i could literally feel myself melting.. how does he do it.. seriously.. and he was soo sweet.. we were sending songs to each other and reminiscing abt the past.. it was really nice.. than it started getting quite sad.. his gf called and he went off screen to talk to her.. it was only for a min but reality bitch slapped me, he was not mine anymore.. i didnt say anything though..

the weird thing i realised was that titus and i were together for such a long long time but he neve could read my emotions.. like when i was down, even the slightest bit.. i mean of coz he knew when i was really down coz it will be all over my face.. but the small moments when i feel disturbed or something, titus could neve see it.. but ismail on the other hand, even though we were only together for 3 months, he can immediately pick up when i am down or feeling disturbed.. even if it is over the phone.. he knew me so well.. and he cared so much.. like he will keep asking and asking until i tell him.. yes it was annoying at times when i jus wanna be left alone.. but it jus showed that he cared so much.. he saw that yesterday in me.. he asked me what was bothering but i jus said nothin and continued smiling and talking abt something else.. than he jus looked at me straight and told me, "you can smile and laugh but i can see the pain in your eyes shakthee, don lie to me, coz you suck at it".. i was quite shocked for a moment.. i forgot how much he could read my face.. but i told him, i am not ready to talk abt it... and reluctantly he dropped the subject..

and than he said something.. something that just touched my heart.. i saw his eyes welling up a little but he jus controlled it.. he thought i didnt notice.. i tried controlling my tears, i could feel it coming.. i was looking all over the screen except to meet his eyes.. but i jus could take it.. went off screen and broke down.. it was shitty i tell you.. helpless, shitty, lonely feeling.. like there was jus, no one else for me kinda feeling.. i came back to the screen and saw that ismail was missing.. after a few mins he came back.. he told me he went for a smoke.. that liar.. who is he kidding.. his eyes were watery and his face was just red.. like i don know him.. we were jus staring into each other's face for the next 5 mins or so.. i mean i really don know what the both of us are doing... it was jus so bad... so much feeling locked up.. i don know wad i am gonna do when i see him.. am i gonna be filled with joy, am i gonna break down infront of him, what am i gonna do..

*_*

i really dont know what to do with myself.. i am extremely happy.. but as much as i am happy, i am miserable.. everyday i am waiting to talk to ismail.. i asked him for his gf pic today.. he sent me.. she looks pretty.. they would look good together.. i suddenly felt jealous.. i dont get jealous.. not me.. but i realised today, that i am like other gals.. i do get jealous.. and its not the haha i am jealous but it made me realise i cant be with ismail.. he is no longer mine.. why am i waiting for his call.. why do i feel like my day is incomplete without talking to him.. without hearing his voice.. without him saying my name.. 

wad am i expecting him to do?? really.. what am I doing?? the more i talk to him, the more i yearn to be with him.. but the more i realise i cant.. how long is this gonna go on?? i am hurting myself.. i really feel like telling him i cant do this, i feel like telling him that i cant just be his friend.. but i cant bring myself to do it.. i feel like i just got him back and i cant bear to lose him again.. but really, are we jus gonna continue this "secret affair"??? for how long??? i feel a little sick thinking that i am someone's secret.. but i cant stop myself from talking to him.. why cant he just chose me.. but no, i should not think that way.. i am sure the girl loves him so much.. how can i think of them splitting up?? and even the thought of him telling her i love you, or holding her hand or kissing her.. i cant accept it.. no, not my ismail.. how can he be someone else.. but thatz the reality isnt it..

but how can ismail say he loves me and tell the other girl that he loves her too.. thatz like 2 timing isnt it?? 

i feel like a home wrecker.. i neve thought i will be ONE OF THEM... shit.. this is shit.. 

maybe its karma.. maybe its becoz i hurt titus.. maybe this is how he yearned for me and maybe this is god's way of punishing me.. its painful.. this feeling.. i feel helpless... the pain of wanting so badly, yet you know you cant have it.. why cant i jus cut out my heart and throw it away.. or jus drop dead..jus sleep and never wake up.. sweet serenity of death..

DONE!!!!!

well finally its done.. i broke up with titus yesterday.. he amazingly took it well.. i mean he posted something abt it in fb, like how pissed off he was.. but he didnt make it difficult for me.. when i was talkin to him, it seemes like he was busy doing something else.. like what i was saying was not important.. had alot of hold on, and alot of movement sounds over the phone.. felt like i was talking to the wall actually.. but when i told him what i had to tell him, he said, " yea this is what you keep telling me, but you end up coming back to me" than i told him yea thatz coz when i see you, the feeling come rushing back.. than he was all so serious and stern and said " when you come singapore, better dont meet me or call me, delete my number off your phone and i will not contact you anymore.. study well and take care".. and he put down the phone.. i was surprised.. but well there was no drama or anything.. like i didnt feel that bad..

actually after i put down the phone, i didnt feel any different at all.. not much difference actually.. coz in the first place, i never felt like i was in a relationship with him. back i had to keep reminding myself that i was.. like there will always be this voice at the back of my head which keeps telling me that i have a boyfren.. this guilty irritating feeling.. like i was not free.. i was contrained to someone.. its really not the feeling you should get when you are in a relationship.. i mean i love him and all.. i care for him.. but its jus not the strong feeling of love.. its more like yea i love you as a friend kinda feeling..

but finally its done.. and this time around, i am sooo not gonna meet him.. anyways even if i do, i wont go back to him.. i know i keep saying this but this time i really dont feel anything for him already.. i know it will never work out between me and titus..

that reminds me, there was a point during our conversation where i almost said ismail instead of titus.. hahahah LUCKY I DIDNT!!! oh god, how that would have turned out.. but i really hope he jus moves on and finds someone else.. i have a very strong feeling that he will.. this time around.. i think he is just sick and tired of this whole break up patch back thing.. i could sense that in the way he talked.. and he is much social now.. like i can see that he goes out more often and meets his friends more often.. not like last time.. so i really think he will move on soon.. he wont have a problem of finding someone else, there are already a few chicks who like him.. so he can jus chose from there.. hehehe.. i think they will suit him much better.. kinda in the same frequency as him.. i am trying to be arrogant coz i am educated and all.. i feel like i am being like that at times and its one of the reason why i was with him.. to tell myself that i am not like that.. but in reality it is the truth.. i am really not trying to be mean or i am not degrading him.. but its the choices that he made in life which has put him in this situation now.. which has made the both of us not compatible for each other..

another reason why i was with him was becoz of his family.. they all just adored me and it was so nice to be loved by someone else's family.. you know.. they all were so nice to me.. made me feel so important.. they always sided me.. and i feel like i betrayed their trust.. but i cant possibly be with him just for his family right.. i mean thats just nonsense.. but whats done is done.. and i hope he finds a girl soon and lives his life happily.. i dont know if he will be able to fully get over me, given the moments we shared.. but i really hope he does..

life goes on..

HAPPY!!!!! HAPPY!!!!

i just cant stop smiling.. these past few days have just been the most amazing days... ismail replied!!!!! on sunday.. the moment i saw the message, my heart literally stopped beating for a moment.. i could feel my face becoming hot.. as usual i went to his profile the moment i logged into my laptop and saw that he had added a sch in his profile.. asked haruna if you need to log in to do that.. she said yes and i was wondering it he had seen my message and deliberately not replied to it.. she asked me to resend the message.. so i did but added the sentence "if you want to ignore me please tell me so that i wont be driving myself crazy".. in 10 to 15 mins he replied.. it seems that he did reply to the message the day after i sent that message to him, using his friend's profile but i never got it.. :( anyways he said its okie.. and i just had to continue the conversation.. i told him i need to talk to him and i have some questions for him.. i typed wadever i felt... he messaged me using his friend's fb account.. asking if he can call coz to explain to me what had happened.. he called.. i just froze when i heard his voice.. there was jus air and some weird squeaks coming from my lips.. hhahaha.. but yea he talked to me.. and HE HAS A GF!!!! haizz.. so depressing..

anyways we talked.. than we skyped.. i got to see his smile!!!!! it was the most amazing smile.. the smile i loved.. the smile which never fails to melt my heart.. i couldnt stop smiling at him.. hahaha.. and than he called me at night.. we talked and talked the whole night.. i went to sch without sleeping.. but it didnt matter coz i was just over the moon.. 

he still loves me... but how sad is it that he has a gf.. he has changed soo much.. like soo much.. i can see it from the way he talks.. so different.. so much more mature in his thinking.. and he said the same to me.. he told me i have changed alot.. like in a good way.. more matured.. i guess it was just our age at that time.. i just didnt know how to handle a relationship.. i didnt know the "rules" of being in a relationship.. i was just too stubborn in my ways.. its either my way or no way.. i guess being with titus has thought be alot.. abt giving in and stuff.. 

oh god.. titus.. i wonder how i am gonna break up with him when i come sg.. its got nothing to do with ismail.. i didnt want to be in a relationship with him again.. but it jus happened the last time i went sg.. and i just want to get out of it.. but breaking up with him AGAIN!!! the fourth time.. thatz gonna destroy him.. how do i even say the words. its like i have said those words 3 times previously and i am jus gonna repeat myself.. i am just such a terrible person.. and he is just gonna forgive me and tell me he will wait for me.. but i dont think i can ever forgive myself.. i am just hurting him over and over again.. and its not like he will jus accept it and move on.. he will jus wait.. i dont know how long he is gonna wait but it will be at least a yr more.. i dont wan him to do anything stupid.. like he did previously... i mean he is finally in a job and is taking courses to improve and stuff.. and i dont wan him to screw anything up coz of me.. like start drinking again and stuff.. that will jus eat me alive. to think that i screwed up someone's life like that..

i dont know.. rosey and haruna said they will be somewhere around there for moral support.. i really think i need it man.. 

and than coming back to ismail.. we talked abt what happened after our breakup.. ALOT happened... sajiv was a total bastard i tell you.. he literally made up stories and screwed up everything.. some of the things which sajiv told me that ismail said might have been possible.. but he was stupid and angry.. he is bound to say such things.. but some of the things that sajiv claimed ismail said NEVER happened.. ismail never asked his shirt back.. and he gave sajiv the card i made him but it never came back to me.. neither did he give back the shirt to sajiv.. i dont know what the felle was thinking.. 

anyways i am just very happy that ismail and i are talking again.. i mean he has a gf and all.. but we can always be just friends right.. hahaha yea who am i kidding.. but i just love talking to him.. the way he says my name.. never thought i will hear it again.. and i cant believe i am actually talking to him.. jus feels like the old times.. in my room, talking to him for hours at night.. hehehe.. he is just so sweet.. 

even IF he had said all those things abt me after we broke up, i really cant be angry with him now.. i jus cant help myself from just feeling the love for him.. every time i talk to him, my heart skips a beat.. and i can never stop smiling.. seriously, titus has never made me feel this way.. i don know if i am being mean but really he has never made me this happy.. 

i am meeting ismail!! hehe we are going to the zoo.. so happy.. not alone.. we both agreed that, that will be a bad idea.. :DDDDDDDDD this is my face right now.. hahahah... 

but i cant help but feel disturbed some times.. feel like its wrong of me to be even talking to him.. i mean its my fault that i even rekindled all those feelings in ismail.. i should not have talked to him again.. i feel like i am coming inbetween him and his gf.. like he is cheating on her by just talking to me.. how would i feel if this was happening to me right.. i would rather have my bf break up with me than to talk to his ex gf behind my back.. but i dont wan ismail and his gf to break up either.. its really not fair for her.. he loves her and i think the both of them deserve that happiness.. and plus his mom hates me.. but loves her.. reality is a total bitch.. but as much as i know wad i am doing is wrong, i cant stop it.. i cant stop myself from talking to him.. 

why do i get myself into such troubles.. really.. i should jus stay away from guys i tell you.. guys be aware.. i am the girl your friends warned you abt.. i have just 2 ex bfs and i have given them so much torture.. oh god..

what have i become

so its a nice sat morning.. the sun is shining.. the birds are chirping.. probably.. and i am sitting at my desk all ready to jump into doing my assignment which is due on tue.. as per my usual routine, i checked my fb.. the first thing i do when i switch on my laptop.. and as usual, i went to ismail's account.. i have no idea why i do that but you know i just stare at his pic a few seconds before i log out.. okie i know, its creepy.. haha.. i dont know why but i the maps he had on his profile caught my eye. his most signed in place which is his CD headquarters.. i just clicked on the map and saw another spot there.. his home.. hougang..

i always thought he stayed in AMK.. coz we usually walk from AMK station to his house.. i totally forgot how to walk to his place though.. but anyways i went to google earth and checked it out to see if it was indeed his home address.. and the next thing i knew, i was staring at his block and the table that i used to sit at and wait for him was beside his block on the picture.. and all the memories just came rushing back... the same place where he peeked at me from his hall window once when i was waiting for him.. the same place where i did something really stupid and ended up in a whole emotional disaster.. and the same place where i realized how much he loved me (during one of our usual quarrels).. so so much memories..

and suddenly i realized what the hell i was doing.. like how creepy and insane i have become over him.. i cant believe i was actually doing what i was doing.. how insane is it.. i have become his facebook STALKER!!!! me!!! oh god.. i am driving myself insane.. what am i doing..

i had a dream abt him again.. that i went to his workplace in singapore to meet him.. but i woke up the moment i saw him.. it has been more than a month since i sent him the message and as each day passes, after every dream i have abt him, the desperation of talking to him is just increasing.. i am constantly thinking abt ways i can get his number and contact him.. i have become this person that i hate.. this crazy, idiotic person.. even now i am actually thinking abt lookin through the yellow pages to get his number using his address..

I HAVE GOT TO STOP MYSELF!!!  i have to keep this insanity under control or i am seriously gonna do something stupid which i am gonna regret.. all i want is to talk to him.. why is it so difficult.. i KNOW he will reply to me once he sees my fb message.. but when is that gonna be?? when is he gonna see my message? when is he gonna check his friggin fb?? the longer this takes, the more crazy i am becoming.. what has he done to me... what have i done to myself.. why did this have to happen.. oh god.. if i was in spore right now, i think i would seriously have just gone down to his block.. i swear i would have done that.. so thank god i am in australia right now...

i told his fren karthik how i felt and that i really need to talk to him.. but i dont know and i dont think he is actually trying his best to get me his number.. he seems a little suspicious.. like he would rather "keep me for himself" kinda thing.. coz firstly, which fren (especially a guy) would talk to his fren's ex galfren right.. like doesnt that go against their "bro code".. and secondly he is so nice to me.. again which fren would be so nice to his fren's ex galfren especially after the super dramatic break up we had.. but now he is the only link remaining between me and ismail.. so i have to just suck it up and be nice to him.. i am terrible.. in every way possible..

when did i become this totally strange person.. i dont even recognize myself anymore.. i used to think that as a person, i was really nice.. i didnt mean any harm to anyone and i cared for everyone.. but now i realise that as much as i have been nice to someone, i have hurt another person twice as much.. i have been so selfish and didnt even realise it.. i was just so full of myself.. if only i can go back and do right all the wrongs..

if i go back in time, i would not stop myself from dating ismail.. i would stop myself from dating titus though.. and than i think, is it true that girls get attracted to idiots.. i mean obviously titus is a much better guy than ismail.. in the way he took care of me and stuff.. but why.. why am i soo in love with ismail.. even after all he did to me, why do i want him and not the better guy.. this is the point where i take a slipper and beat myself.. i deserve it..

what am i going to do... how long can i last before i really do something stupid..

why!?!?!?!?!?

woke up today feeling shitty for 2 reasons.. first i am sick.. f-ed up.. its not the kind of flu where you just have a runny nose.. its the kind when your ears, throat hurts so bad each time you swollow your saliva.. didnt get much sleep at all.. next up, my dream.. finally when i fell asleep, i was abrubtly woken up by my dream.. and yes after that i had to say goodbye to my sleep..

it was abt ismail.. god!! he is literally killing me without being in my life.. why is he doing this to me.. i dreamt that i met up with him.. it was a totally weird place.. but it felt like i know the place.. it felt like i have been there before.. anyways i was with him and we were talkin abt something.. and than he hugged me.. it felt so right.. the weird thing was not dreaming abt him.. but i actualy felt him hugging me.. you know how they say that you don actually feel anything when you are dreaming. as in emotions wise.. but i felt my heart beating so fast and i felt the thingly feeling when he hugged me (the good kind) and i can remember his face.. exactly like how it was 4 yrs ago.. he was so close to me.. i was lying down on his arms and he was jus smiling at me.. and he kissed me.. and thatz when i woke up.. silly, stupid.. i dont know but i was just lying on my bed confused and feeling miserable and sick.. not a good way to start my day..

am i that into him.. i really dont understand this whole thing abt him.. why after 4 yrs i am feeling this.. shouldnt i be over and done with this.. done with him.. than  why???

and i am sitting in my uni, having missed my first class.. firstly coz i forgot to bring tissue and my nose was just dripping that i had to run to the toilet to blow my nose.. that made me late.. my lecturer DOES NOT like late comers.. so i decided to avoild the unnesserary emmbarresment and skipped class.. and our song (mine and ismail's) started playing my my phone.. like that is gonna make things bette.. so yea not surprisingly i broke down in my uni.. thank god its a deserted place in the mornings.. these tears are not solely becoz of him.. its also due to my unstopping flow of mucous.. hate feeling sick.. just one at a time please.. its either i am just sick or i am thinking abt him.. i cant handle both at the same time!!!!!

and coming to something else.. titus.. god!!! he called yesterday.. and being a bitch, i did not really talk to him properly.. poor boy.. he called me so lovingly and of coz i didnt show him what i was feeling but i know in my heart that i am not doing the right thing.. all i could think abt was ismail.. like i am cheating titus emotionally you know.. even at the end of the conversation when he said i love you, i said it back. but it was just words.. it had no feeling attached to it.. and its totally against my morals.. i have always and only said those words when i really feel it.. but to him, its just words.. i am not lying to him.. i am just lying to myself... i am cheating both him and me.. i hate doing this to him.. but how can i end things with him yet again.. a 3rd time.. i cant bring myself to do it.. i am such a terrible person.. why must he love me so much.. it just makes things so hard for me.. why cant he realise that its not gonna work out and leave me.. just leave me titus..

stop dripping nose!!!!! have to run to the toilet again.. seriously feel like chopping off my nose.. this is what global warming does to you.. the abrupt change in weather.. this ALWAYS happens during the beggining of winter.. ISMAIL!!!! TITUS!!! NOSE!!!! i was wanna run somehwere and hide..

more than just....

just finished my molecular bio assignment.. decided to check fb.. came across a post by my not so close friend.. i think his friend passed away.. he posted this song abt friendship. next thing i know, i am tearing.. 

its was about losing a friend.. and suddenly i got this uncomfortable feeling in my tummy.. like i lost something kinda feeling.. its not that i have lost someone, its just that i think i am missing my friends too much ya know.. all my life, i have been more into friends.. i love my family, and i am very close to them.. but as i grew up, being the youngest and all, i didnt have someone in my family to talk to or to guide me or anything like that.. in sec sch especially, i learnt the value of friendship and how it an save you at the same time dump you in shit.. i have always been only able to talk things out with my friends.. not all, just a handful or special ones.. i was never able to talk such personal things with my family members.. to think abt it, my close friends know me inside out, way bette than anyone else.. and i am truely grateful to them.. they have kept me sane all these yrs and i dont know what i would do without them.. 

they are not just friends, they are more like my second family.. and i dont know how i am gonna be without living close to them.. meet up whenever we wish to, go have our thanni sessions, talk cock, emo together.. hahaha i love you guys.. don ever leave me.. i cant even think abt losing ppl like you.. you guys are just irreplaceable in my life.. 

just know that you are in my heart, you will never leave my heart and i love you.. even if i dont tell you that, you should know by now.. :)

Love? Seriously?

i was just watching some crap tamil movie... something that was in my hard drive.. anyways what lead to me blog was something i observed in the movie.. actually i have observed this in ALL tamil movies.. just felt like saying out loud.. 

anyways the hero sees the girl and its love at first sight.. he finds her gorgeous and wants to marry her.. from that instant, he cant think of any other girls and he cant love anyone else.. that basically sums up almost all the tamil movies i know.. 

the stupid part is that, it is not love.. like seriously come on, that just crush.. how can ppl in india not know the difference.. but i bet if you tell them that its cursh and not love, they will look at you like you are a slut.. they will ask you "how can you love so many guys?".. but seriously, someone should tell them the difference.. i have crushes too.. when i see a really cute guy, i do drool a little but i dont go behind him and say that i love him or i want to marry him... i don know shit abt him.. how can i love him?? love is something completely different.. it happens when you know the person so well, that it comes to a point where you dont need words to express feelings and you just understand each other and you cant live without the person.. i mean thatz love.. or movie love.. i dont know.. i mean i am seriously no expert when it comes to love but thatz my definition.. haizz seriously, tamil movies....... ridiculous..

......

hmmmm is it weird that whenever i listen to a love song, the first person who pops in my mind is ismail and not titus.. i mean shouldnt i be thinking abt my "boyfriend" instead of my ex.. 

i dont know maybe its becoz i have been thinking abt ismail constantly for the past 1 month.. damn thatz long.. waiting and waiting.. maybe this is how he would have felt when we broke up.. but than i dont think he felt bad that we broke up.. he didnt seem like he was hurt.. he was angry yes but i am not too sure abt heartbroken.. i don know.. i guess i would not really know until i talk to him.. when will be message meeeeeeeeeee..... he is testing my patience.. AS USUAL!!!!!!

jus something

okie its not like i am purposely emoing.. but i think this song was jus so me.. i could jus relate... especially the first part.. its En Nanbane song from Mankatha...

yen nanbane ennai yethai

en paavamai vanthu vaaithai

un polave nalla nadigan oh

ur engilum ellai oruvan

nallavargal yaro

theeyavargal yaaro

kandukondu kanni yaarum 

kaadhal seivathillaiye

gangai nathiyalla kaanal nathi enru

pirpaadu gnyanam vanthu laabam ennavo

 don you think its very true.. we dont fall in love with someone after analyzing them.. i mean we should.. but we dont always.. thatz wad leads to some of the biggest mistakes in our lives.. at the same time you cant just it go becoz they have hurt you or they are a bad person (i am not taking abt a murderer or a rapist)... becoz you can never lie to your own feelings.. wads felt is felt.. no matter how wrong it is.. its something you can never erase.. 

:'(

you.. everything reminds me of you.. when someone posts something happy abt love, it reminds me of what we used to have.. when someone posts how love has hurt them, it reminds me of what we no longer have.. 

there isnt a single day that goes by without me thinking abt you at least once.. its not that i want to, it just happens.. every love song reminds me of you, one way or another.. why did you do this to me.. why did you show me love when you never meant to be with me forever.. why did you say those lies to me.. why did you make me cry when all i wanted to do was share my happiness with you..spend my life with you.. why did you throw my love away, was it so easy to jus dump me in a corner.. did i not mean anything to you.. i shared my happiness and sorrow with you.. i threw my feelings at your feet hoping you would do the same with me.. 

how much i tried to work things out between us.. those empty promises you gave me.. but in the end, in the end, it was all my fault.. how easy it was for you to thrash talk abt me.. i respected our love but i guess you didnt see it that way.. how to suspected me, my love every single time we had a spat.. how i cried, begged you to hear me, to understand me.. your ears heard my cries but your heart never did... you said you could never live without me.. was that all i lie.. a lie that i bought because it was you.. you were everything to me.. and now i am no one to you.. how things turn out.. funny isnt it.. life, love, feelings, emotions.. you played a game.. i hope it was fun for you coz sure as hell i didnt enjoy it..  

i could never see you get hurt.. i shed tears, so much tears when you got hurt.. when you got hurt becoz of me.. how i hated myself but i could never hate you.. it broke my heart everytime i saw sorrow in your eyes... but you were always blind to mine.. i wanted to feel the same pain as you.. did you ever understand that i would do anything for you.. i made a mistake as you always did.. but you neve came back to me.. you never fought for me or our love.. you didnt care... you left me astray.. i was a passing cloud to you.. something you enjoyed for a while and waited for something better to come by.. 

did i not deserve your love.. has someone better arrived for you yet.. have they filled the hole i left in your heart.. becoz no one has replaced you in my heart.. you were mine.. my love, my everything.. 

i still remember walking behind you.. trusting you.. i cherished you..but you left me behind.. lost, yearning to see you.. see you smile and tell me everything is gonna be alright, like how you always did.. tell me you never left but just got lost a little.. tell me how you searched for me in the darkness.. tell me you never gave up.. tell me i am yours.. hold me tight and never let go.. warm me with your smile.. i am not angry.. just hurt.. very hurt.. why dont you understand that.. you are blinded by your anger.. anger and revenge.. you never let my love show you the colours of the world.. but you did.. you showed me the beauty of the rain, night, sunshine, wind everything.. everything holds your memory.. you are always in my mind and you never left my heart.. you just took everything.. and i am left empty..ppl say time heals everything.. time has gone by but it has never erased you, or the hurt or my love..

all i ask if for you to talk to me... i am willing to listen.. will you listen to me as well..

:)

"Girls are like apples on trees... The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling & getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground but aren't as good, and are easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient & the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday..."

THIS IS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL LADIES.. HARUNA AND ROSEY...

ramdomness at midnight

i was jus listening to songs.. got reminded of ismail.. like thatz a surprise.. anyways than i got thinking abt life.. the question "what are we living for?", "who are we living for?" popped in my head..

if given a scenario where you are living alone.. jus imagine this, you are wherever you are living.. but all your family members, relatives are in some remote country where there is only one way of communication which is through the phone.. or lets not even have that.. there is no way of communication except from their side.. so over the phone you can only hear them and they cant hear you.. your frenz dont judge you at all.. no one judges you.. how would you live your life?? would you do anything different?? would you take different choices in life?? now jus think for a sec.. how would you define happiness?? and how would you define love?? 

you dont have to care abt status, coz no one is judging you, you don have to be afraid of what your family will think of you dont have to worry that they will disapprove of whoever you are gonna bring home coz they are in some other country far away from you.. 

i really wonder.. becoz i really really would make different choices in life if such a scenario were to happen.. i mean i wouldnt need to care abt what ppl are gonna think of me.. i don have to worry abt how they are gonna judge me.. i don have to care abt anything at all.. i can do whatever i want that gives me happiness.. and take wadever decisions i want.. but you see, there wont be ppl to tell you what you are doing is right or wrong.. you dont have anyone to advise you that the choice you make is the most dumbest thing ever.. but YOU get to make the choice.. learn from mistakes.. no one is gonna point at you and say "i told you so".. and even if you make mistakes, you can jus leave it and move on with your life.. you dont have to think abt the consequences.. and by that i mean what would ppl think of you if you do it.. will they label you or look down on you.. you don have to think abt all that before you make a choice becoz none of it will matter.. no one would care..

i bet everything will be different.. everyone would be different.. it will be a whole new world to live in.. can you imagine that.. that will be so cool.. every soul will be equal.. quite interesting...

drive a screwdriver through my head

its day 4... its been 4 days since i have smoked.. and it is driving me insane.. i have come to the "why am i quitting" phase.. this is where i usually start asking why and for whom and i stopping cig.. wad do i gain from this, why am i putting myself through this torment.. and usually this is where i give up and go buy a pack of cigs.. and i am sooo close to doing that.. its constantly in my head..

just once stick is all i ask for.. jus 1.. i don wan the whole pack.. maybe 1 every 3 days.. that wouldnt be so bad right.. but if do buy a pack, i will def smoke it all in a week.. i cant control myself if its right there.. damn if only i have someone to control the pack for me.. 

why am i doing this?? for me.. the ans is for me.. i am getting older and i want ppl to see me the way i see myself and that is attainable if i quit smoking.. i don wan this filthy habit.. yea thatz the reason.. not for health.. i want to be a responsible adult who does not have bad habits.. i can do this.. 

but just once cig is not gonna harm.. i will smoke one stick than i wont for the next 3 days.. this way i will also be quitting right.. i mean you dont call a person who smokes a cig every 3 days to be addicted to smoking right.. 

why the hell did i smoke.. why i ask why!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

the sweet sweet smell of cig.. the intoxicating feeling when you take the first puff after such a long time.. i can almost feel it going down my  lungs.. blood absorbing the nicotine.. pumping it through my veins.. oh the sweet sensation of dying cells and brain numbing effect.. how i yearn for you.. will we be united again once more? jus once more...

FML

well something new jus came up.. i was chatting with the kaartik felle.. ismail's fren.. jus randomly i asked him if he was in the hospital the day we broke up.. you know coz ismail fainted and was brought to the hospital.. anyways i asked him if he remembers what went on there.. coz until now i am not very sure you see.. so i asked him if it was true that he wanted to beat me up and stuff.. the guy said not at all.. if he did want to, they would have def stopped him or given him a tight slap..

see now i dont know if he is saying that coz he is a fren but i have a gut feeling thatz not the case.. yes in these past yrs i have started trusting my gut feeling.. anyways wad if was sajeev told me all was a lie or exaggerated truth.. wad if ismail neve meant all those things.. wad if he did say all those things but day later realised how much he love me and miss me but sajeev neve came and told all this "good" parts.. becoz i remember sajeev asking me for a really weird and insulting things after all these drama.. after i rejected did we kinda stopped talking.. so what if wadever sajeev said was to drive me away from ismail.. 

i wonder i wonder.. my heart is beating so fast and i can feel like my face turning so hot.. my stomach hurts and damn i am back to square 1.. 

need a smoke!!! seriously!!!!

consequences?? haha bitch please..

yello yello.. hmmm nothing much been happening.. the same old fb stalking.. heheh...

there is this guy, jaiganesh.. my fb friend.. i have no idea when i accepted his fren request.. but anyways we have been talking for quite some time now.. since last yr.. but only this yr did we start chatting quite alot.. coz i am always on fb and he is always on fb and i am always bored.. hahaha.. but anyways he said he had alot of free credit for international calls and asked me if i mind talking on the phone.. the thing is that usually i would have said no.. i dont give out my number like that.. especially when i already have a "boyfren" but i have no idea why, i us gave him.. i only realised what i had done after we were on the phone for abt 30 mins.. but the weird thing is that i didnt feel guilty... i didnt feel like i am cheating on titus.. well firstly becoz i dont even feel like i have a bf.. i keep forgetting that i have a bf.. -_- and secondly, i have forgotten the meaning of consequences.. hehehe... i think like haruna said, i am jus too daring coz i am all the way here and i know that no one can do anything.. 

hehehe.. but anyways its not like there is anything romantic going on between me and this guy.. i am jus his past time and he is mine.. it quite boring talkin to him anyways.. i usually catch myself stoning or doing something else when i am talking to him and jus replying to him "yea, yea,, really? oh i see".. hehehe.. 

titus.. haizz dont know what to do with him.. i think he called me the day before yesterday.. totally ccant remember.. i think he is losing his "undying love" as well.. i mean usually he is super clingy and stuff but this time around he rarely calls me. i mean don be mistaken, i am NOT sad abt at all.. in fact i am very very relieved.. he can be quite a handful at times.. and i really hopes he jus loses his feelings.. seriously.. it will make me feel so much better.. and def less guilty.. 

ISMAIL!!!! when are you gonna check your facebook.. haizz.. this is sooo boring i tell ya.. like it jus sucks waiting.. why can he friggin be an active user right.. like what else does he have better to do?? fight for world peace?? free spore from the clutches of evil??? resolve poverty?? what!?!?!?!? check check the damn thing already.. and give me a reply.. a good one.. something i would like.. heheheh... but really check it..

day 3 of smoke free lungs.. feel like going crazy.. feeling very anxious.. i keep looking at the backyard and thinking how nice it would be to jus stand there and have a smoke.. jus one cig is all i ask.. than i keep thinking abt where to get that one stick.. than i think abt all the cig butts i have thrown out and wondering would it be too pathetic if i try and find one with a little bit more to smoke.. than i tell myself its TOO pathetic.. i need chocolate man.. i need my ben & jerrys ice cream.. they don have it here.. damn!!!!... like something is missing from my life.. haizzz

as much as i keep thinking abt jus buying one more pack of cigs, i wonder if i do buy it and smoke again, when will the next time i will quit?? i am 23, i am not a young punk anymore.. i need to stop smoking.. its not something i want to continue for the rest of my life.. and if i tell myself that i will wait till i get a bf and he will help me quit.. than i am just kidding myself coz if i cant help myself, who can help me??? and if i want a bf who does not smoke, than i too have to quit right.. thatz the fair thing to do..

so thanks to this random rambling of thoughts which does not really make sense even to myself, i am back on track.. i am not gonna lose the battle today.. not today..

huff and puff

its a brand new day!!! the sun is shinning, the birds are chirping.. i feel so much healthier that i have decided to stop smoking.. well this is probably what i would like to say..

i quit smoking today.. going cold turkey.. i think its time for me to give up the habit.. i feel like my skin looks bad, i feel unhealthy and my gums are receding too much.. i had recurring nightmares of my teeth falling out and its jus freaking me out.. 

today was the first day.. 30 mins after i woke up, i started craving for cig.. i just keep thinking abt going down to the shop and getting a pack.. but it was raining soo terribly.. non stop the whole friggin day.. so i guess that stopped me from leaving the house.. maybe nature was on my side.. hehe 

well i have successfully gone through 3/4 of the day without smoking.. so thatz a good sign.. jus have to continue this battle.. 

by the way ismail's fren kaartik replied my message.. oh yea his post suddenly appeared on my wall and i realized he was ismail's fren after seeing ismail's pic in his profile.. anyway i jus messaged him asking if he was ismail's fren.. he replied me yea and that he remembers be, being ismail's ex and all and asked if i would be interested to talk to him.. as frenz.. but i kept asking a few questions abt ismail, like wad he is doing now and stuff and i think the guy got irritated and jus said okie tc.. hahaha.. well i hope this news goes into ismail's ears.. maybe than he might check his fb.. aahhhh check it damn you.. 

break time!!!

i am taking a mini break from alllll the studying i have been doing for the past 20 mins.. hahaha *kicks myself*... studying for my tue paper.. for physics!!!!! and its not like the sec sch physics.. like that was any easy.. its more advanced and its kinda killing me.. although its quite nice doing math again.. yes i love math.. but the reason for this post is actually... ermmm nothing actually.. jus thought i will do something other than stare at my facebook..

oh yea i talked to bear on friday.. well i jus asked him randomly.. i asked if he liked me.. he asked why i am asking all of a sudden and i kinda used my brother in law's name.. saying that he messed with my head saying that guys dont spend soo much time talking to a gal if he does not like her.. but he said no.. he said he does have mixed feelings but he isnt sure how he feels.. he asked me if i liked him and i said no.. not in that way.. although he is a really nice guy.. i told him that i need time to get my own feelings sorted out before i can like any guy.. 

feel much better now.. i just dont want to lead anyone on than feel shitty abt it later on.. its better to just get things out of the way and let him know that i am not emotionally available now.. i am trying not to make silly mistakes anymore.. 

nothing much really.. jus busy with studying.. locked up in my room.. staring at the outside world through my window.. 

oh yea and i am hoping to quit smoking soon.. yes yes i have been saying this for a looonnnggg time but i really want to.. the problem is that the moment exams are near, i jus feel like i have to smoke in between studying.. its my zen moment.. the 10 most peaceful mins i get with myself, my own thoughts.. you know.. like how it is for some people when they take a dump.. i dont know how i am going to quit.. but i will really try.. i am not gonna buy a pack after i finish my current pack of cigs... makes me nervous jus thinking abt going without smoking..

i think the first time i attempted to quit was when i was with ismail.. we made a pact to quit together.. hehe i influenced him to smoke again on the 2nd day.. mean girl.. i wonder if he still smokes.. 

i think i should jus dedicate this blog to ismail.. almost every post of mine has something abt him.. -_-

haunting memories

welllllllllll april 12th.. this date might not mean much to anyone.. this was the date i got into a relationship with ismail 4 yrs back.. if we were still together, we would be celebrating our 4 yr anniversary.. but we are not.. so its just another date which hold much memories.. this was the day when i got my first kiss.. a proper one.. with whom i shared feelings with.. i still can remember.. well like they say, girls dont forget their first kiss.. it was in a park.. i dont know the name of the park coz we were jus walking for hours and ended up somewhere but i know it was in either ang mo kio or yishun.. it was a huge park.. filled with trees.. we were walking beside each other.. it was full moon.. i remember that becoz we were talking abt how beautiful it was.. it was right above us.. he was wearing a cap and i took it away.. he kept asking and i said no.. yes yes it was childish of me but hey i was just 19.. anyways he came towards to to take it.. our faces was just centimeters away and than it happened..our eyes were locked and he leaned in and kissed me.. it was a very quick one.. but it jus seemed to go on forever.. it was like the perfect kiss.. and i was blushing.. hahahah yes i know me? blushing? but yea i didnt even look at his face for the next 10 mins and i jus kept looking down smiling.. he got worried and asked if he did anything wrong.. i looked at him and jus smiled.. and he smiled back at me.. that smile.. that wonderful smile that i love.. that jus melts my heart.. and he grabbed hold of my hand and it was just perfect.. 

one thing i love abt him was that he was very spontaneous.. he knew the right moments.. and he just did things which a girl loves.. like in the movies.. that was wad i really miss.. the moments when you are admiring the lake and he jus hugs you from the back and whispers in your ear that he loves you and the moments when you are enjoying the rain and catch him staring at you in wonder instead.. the cheeky smile he gives when he realizes he had made you blush.. the times he jus grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed it assuring me that nothing will happen to me when i am just screaming at him.. even when he have the worst fights, at the end of the day, he still said the perfect thing which made you feel like everything is going to be alright.. 

there was once when we had one of our bad fights.. i cant remember what it was.. he were on our way to watch dark knight.. and i jus couldnt take it and i ran off crying.. i actually jus ran up one of the blocks coz i wanted to be alone.. and the next thing i knew he was calling me and calling out my name in panic.. after abt 10 mins when i was calm enough, i went down and found him sitting on the bench nearby holding his head on his knees.. i went beside him thinking he was gonna scream at me for running off like that.. but he looked at me.. his eyes were wet.. it just broke my heart.. he held my hand and told me how sorry he was and he wouldnt know wad to do if i leave him.. 

you see i dont know if he jus knew wad to say to a girl or if he actually meant it.. but either way, it never failed to touch my heart.. he had that "gift".. the one which all gals hope their boyfren would have.. 

but of coz we have had the worst fights too.. that was wad lead to the break up.. but who cares abt those things when you can just think abt the happy moments..

titus was always there for me.. no doubt.. but he could never make my heart skip a beat or he could never do things which just makes my knee feel like jelly.. but he was always there for me..

well haruna, if you are reading this, i think i deserve a slap right now..

zone away

aahhh seriously.. one thing which i seriously appreciate abt singapore.. EX LINK CARDS!!!! bloody hell twice i got stuck in human traffic becoz of the friggin faulty ticket i got issued today.. at central station somemore.. got through with the '1 ticket 2 people' move.. thanks to the lady behind me.. but its was more of she didnt have a choice.. hahah so kanchiong already put in the ticket before i could go out the other way.. seriously why cant they have friggin ex link card system here.. where the trains are always packed.. it will make life sooo much easier and everyone would travel more efficiently.. no more annoying rude train officers waking you up when you are sleeping in the train.. no more queing up for sooooo looonnnggg to buy ticket every morning, especially monday mornings.. and no more jam at the exit and entry points.. damn..

secondly.. i have decided to take out my lip piercing.. FOR GOOD!!! i decided it yesterday.. have no idea why suddenly but i just thought after 6 long years, i need a change.. the piercing has been with me through out the most dramatic times in my life.. and i feel like i need a fresh start.. i dont know how removing the piercing is gonna help me.. but i feel like its a much needed change.. something different in my face.. i sign that i am an adult now.. no time for silly things in my life.. something like that.. i actually feel much better.. like i have given up something old and unwanted in my life.. my poor ring is locked away in my drawer.. a new me..

and one more thing.. i have been talking to bear everyday since i came here.. bear is my poly fren.. shanker's fren actually who got introduced to me.. he used to like me.. he told me that he likes me on 2009 new year when i told him that i was spending it with my boyfren titus.. he said something like oh no, i have missed my chance.. coz i kinda liked you.. something like that.. i cant remember exactly.. i kept that message in my old hp before it got stolen.. :( but anyways i have been in contact with him all these yrs and we have grown quite close since i came here.. he is a very very nice guy.. sweet, caring, tall but a yr younger... haha anyways thatz not the point.. the point is i think he likes me.. again or still.. not sure.. i neve asked.. but i can see it in the way he talks to me.. yesterday he said he wanted to marry me and i said yea if he dares come alone and talk to my family abt it i will marry him.. thinking that he was joking.. but i am not sure anymore.. i feel weird asking him if he does like me.. i mean thatz gonna be soo weird.. how do i even ask.. but i dont have such feeling towards him.. i have no idea why.. he is a perfectly nice guy yet i dont like him in that way while i pine over idiots.. wad am i to do with myself.. anyway i should ask him.. soon.. i don wan to make him uncomfortable or make things weird between us.. it has been so nice talking to him.. makes me feel at home.. like i am not alone.. like someone cares for me afterall.. but i shouldnt lead him on.. that is if he does like me.. i should tell him.. soon soon..

it was so nice to jus zone out in the mornings.. in the train, cold breeze on your face, listening to slow songs.. jus lovely.. thought abt ismail here and there but it was not the overwhelming feeling.. i think i am over that now.. its jus nice thinking abt the future.. how i want it to be.. my perfect life.. its gonna be awesome.. i can feel it.. its gonna be just like how i want it to be.. no more nonsense.. everything will fall into place.. yes it will..

MY FUTURE HOME!!!!!

the view i want to wake up to every morning.. simple yet beautiful.. my dream home...

zzzzz

was just reading haruna's old blog.. hahahah so much memories.. kallang rivers and other random stuff.. it was nice.. than i came to 2008 mid yr period and realized i was not there for many outings.. guess that was the time where i went missing coz of ismail.. damn he jus sucked out like 3 months of my life.. but i don feel that bad abt it now.. it was a valuable lesson in my life.. which i dont think i learnt well coz i keep wanting to make the same bloody mistake!!!!!

but i am all better now.. really.. seriously.. after almost 2 weeks, i am all good.. i don miss him too much.. yea the occasional thoughts are there.. but its not like i miss him so much and nonsense like that.. i feel more focused... i dont want to be the stupid 19 yr old gal again.. life somehow feels like it skipped the past 3 yrs though.. BECOZ NOTHING HAS BEEN HAPPENING!! during my sec sch days and poly days, there was always something happening.. meeting new people and going places.. life was fun and exciting.. but these past 3 yrs, there has been nothing happening and i feel likei have jus wasted these yrs.. soooo booorrriiinnnggggg... well things have been happening but not like WOW or anything.. i dont know maybe i am jus not excited abt life anymore.. i wonder how it would have been if i did my degree in spore.. hehehe i dont think i would have been very focused.. i would have been going out too often.. its a good thing i am far away from everyone and is in aus doing my degree.. i am more focused and i am actually studying.. so its a good thing..

i do miss my poly times.. the random conversations with haruna, nessa, cs, nasri, rosey.. we will be talking absolute nonsense.. but it always felt like home.. that comfortable feeling you get around them.. like nothing can hurt you.. it was always happy.. they jus made me so happy.. the dirty jokes and bullying rosey.. hahah she was so cute and such a blur sotong.. where did everything go.. the biggest deal in the 3 yrs of poly was FYP.. hahahah how easy it was to think abt it now.. in uni i am practically doing a few reports and presentations per semester.. i guess we grow up without realizing it.. how things were such a big deal back than when actually it was nothing.. blissful life wit the rp gang...

anddddd i am back to thinking abt ismail.. hahahahahahahaha *bangs my own head on the table*

gone...

i jus realized how much i had forgotten myself.. had a long conversation with shanker.. it was really nice.. jus like old times..

where had i gone.. i guess in these 3.5 yrs i have lost myself somewhere.. forgotten my way.. who i was.. what i had wanted in life.. well i knew what i wanted in life but i was actually ready to forgo all that and for what? i need to get back on my road again.. get what i want in life.. my ultimate goal..

i have a aim and i will do anything and everything to reach it..

this is why i need shanker in my life.. he has been so important.. he always knew what to say.. he knows me that well.. even better than i know myself.. he always keeps me on track.. (i am not praising you ah shanker) :P but its the truth.. everyone needs that one person in their life.. and i am glad i have mine..

i jus don know what i am going to do with my current situation.. titus.. he will move on after me.. i really hope he will.. he always says that he wont.. but i am sure he will.. i mean this is not a tamil movie right.. but i need to know that he will.. i dont want to responsible for yet another hurt, heartbreak.. whether i am in the right or wrong, it does not matter.. but hurt is hurt.. i cant bear to know live with that kind of guilt.. it will haunt me.. even when i think abt ismail, i just want to let him know how sorry that i am that i have caused him that kind of hurt.. it does not matter what he did to me.. he might not be forgive me now but at least he needs to know that i did not mean to do what i did.. i sent him that message and i hope he can.. one day at least.. even though he has said such hurtful things in his fb, i am still not angry with him.. call it love, call it stupidity but i am not angry.. hurt.. very hurt.. yes..

well it does not matter.. i have done lots of think which i regret in life.. lots of unsaid things.. i cant possibly make all things right.. at least i have made one thing right.. already feeling much happier..

silly me

well.. shanker replied to my message on fb.. like finally.. he said "It's okay Shakthee..I'm so sorry too..I wish you all the best for your future.." i replied him something like " thank you for being there and helpng me through the hardest part of my life and thank you for always being there for me.. if you feel like talking, do drop me a message".. i kinda feel very relieved.. like a burden is off my shoulder.. he really was there for me.. he was truly a good fren.. its sad that things ended between us.. but i do cherish the good times we had.. he was someone i could talk to about almost anything.. a best fren.. i do wish i can have him back as a fren.. but i wonder if things will be the same..

vinodth and the guys are like family to me.. they are very close to my heart.. but i never talked to them about my feelings.. i neve felt like i could.. i am more like one of the guys.. and guys dont share emotions and feeling you see.. and i dont think they are the kind to do it.. its sad but its a good thing too.. coz i neve have to feel judged or feel exposed..

i get that feeling sometimes and towards a certain people.. if i open up myself to them, i feel very vulnerable and nude.. like an open book.. which i dont like.. so i only share my deepest feelings towards very handful of people.. and they are haruna and used to be shanker.. i feel like i can totally be myself towards them.. without having the feeling of being judged or misunderstood.. they just know me so well.. i feel like it is just easy to talk to them without explaining to them in detail about each thing.. i am very very grateful i have and had them in my life.. if only shanker talks to me again.. if only we can jus laugh about the whole thing and jus put all that behind us and be how we used to be.. if only..

i realise that i have changed alot.. the way i think to be precise.. i dont know if its the age, or the people i have met that have changed me.. but when i think about the past.. even jus the past few years, i realise i have made alot of dumb decisions and i have handled things very badly.. i have made alot of right choices in my life but the way i carried them out was not right.. the way i have spoken to people, the way i was jus ready to throw things away without thinking how it might have affected the other person.. i have been very selfish.. i did not treasure the things i had and i was so set in my ways.. i had a vision of my perfect life.. and if something did not go according to my "plan" than i just got rid of it.. it might have been the right thing to do according to some people but i dont think i was right.. what is life without the people who helped you through your life.. even if they have done the smallest thing to change your life for the better, they are important.. and shanker was one of those people.. how could i have blamed him entirely for feeling such things towards me.. its not something you can control fully.. i have lots of stupid emotions too..

shakthee shakthee.. i feel disappointed in myself.. alot.. but i hope making these amendments now will lead me in the right direction and make right all the wrongs i have done..

had a long chat with my sis yesterday.. it was a very random chat.. i have no idea how the topic came about in the first place.. but anyways i felt so much better after that..

the gist of the conversation was basically that i can get whatever i want.. i am 23, an age where i have to make tough decisions and its difficult.. especially when it come to love life.. i would see my frenz around me getting engaged and married it its gotta be difficult for me.. but i can chose what i want.. this feelings that i am getting about ismail is perfectly normal.. but i have to think if is he what i want? love is not the only thing which can sustain a marriage.. and i have seen that on many occasions.. if there is even one thing that i utterly cannot stand about my partner, than its clear that he is not the right one for me.. life is not all about giving in.. its jus part of it.. so why make my life difficult for myself by choosing the wrong person.. if i believe that there is someone perfect for you out there, than i will jus have to wait and get it.. instead of settling for something which is clearly not going to work out..

there was a reason why i broke up with ismail and even though i cant completely remember it, i made a choice.. it was a good one.. why doubt my choice.. instead of repeating the same mistake, and feeling stupid about it afterwords, jus don make the mistake..

but you see i know all these.. i felt way better today when i woke up.. i told myself "fine you have sent the message, whatever he is gonna reply, he will but i am not going to jus think about it and waste my life".. soooo i am not going to think abt it.. like as if thatz gonna happen.. but i am definitely going to try.. i do want a perfect life.. a perfect partner and i will find it.. i am not going to deprive myself of love just because i got left behind once.. i deserve the happiness and bloody hell i am gonna get it..

well guess what.. today my sis and i were in the car on the way to the train station in the morning.. we were quiet as usual.. its early in the morning and we are usually too lazy to talk.. but today my sis looked at me through the rear view mirror and said "can i ask you something, you dont have to reply me or say anything" i was a little puzzled and said yea sure.. she told me that my brother in law, my cousin and she, all three of them thought that there was something wrong with me since i came back from singapore.. she said that i look happy but not really happy.. as in i look happy on the outside but its quite clear that i am not happy in the inside.. and they feel as if i have left someone back at home..

i was a little taken back coz i seriously didnt realize that they could actually see it in my face.. i have been feeling down since i came back.. well coz of ismail.. but i thought i was pretty normal on the outside..

did i really send out such vibes.. to the extend that people around me could feel it?? thatz a little creepy.. am i that bad at concealing my emotions..? damn.. but than she told me that i am still young and nothing is written on stone.. i can always do what i want..

than it got me thinking about ismail the whole day.. i was so absent minded that i forgot my tuition class for one of my subjects.. that annoyed me even more.. why the hell was i being like this? thinking about him is one thing, but forgetting my class, that i cant accept.. i was irritated with myself.. ALOT!!!!

i caaught myself thinking about him again during my lecture.. and that was it.. i told myself NO.. i am not gonna forsake my studies because i cant control my stupid thoughts.. and amazingly i sat through the whole lecture and all the classes that followed with full attention.. i came back home with such a happy feeling.. like i achieved something..

now when i think abt ismail, i dont have a sick feeling in my stomach.. but a very happy feeling.. excitement.. like i cant wait to talk to him over the phone kinda feeling.. i mean its way better than feeling sucky right..

i dont know what i am doing but i am doing it.. i dont know where this is gonna end but i am still doing it.. i know haruna is gonna disown me... but i am still doing it.. hoping that she wont.. hehe.. but i want to do this.. i want to get this nagging feeling off my chest.. i need to try at least.. i know that even if i forget abt him within a month, this feeling is definitely going to return.. maybe in another few years time.. who knows.. but by than, things might be too late.. and i dont want to live with this feeling like i have some unfinished business for the rest of my life.. that truly would drive me insane..

who knows, maybe ismail was the frog who turned into prince charming..