maybe jus maybe

i thik i finally understand what ismail means by lets be friends.. maybe.... i mean when i put myself in his shoes, i think i will do the same.. if i am already in a relationship with someone i love, and ismail comes into my life again, of coz i will feel all the emotions rushing back, but i will not forgo what i have with my bf, the person i love for ismail.. my time with him has passed, he has a new chapter in his life and its wrong of me to expect him to open an old chapter..

anyways, although i do love him, i broke up with him for a reason.. we were talkin yesterday and i was jus being my usual nonsensical self.. and he kinda got freaked out.. haha he told me i am talking as if my life has ended as asked me to be my old self again.. than at the monent i reaslied how much i have changed.. i dont know why i have changed but i am not the person i used to be when i was with him.. no more the carefree person i used to be.. i had not a worry in my life.. well except for FYP but compared to the things that run in my head now and the things which i constantly worry abt, FYP is seriously nothing.. i guess as you grow older, you will definitely change and sometimes its hard for a person seeing after so long to accept the change.. if i ask my friends who have been with me throughout these yrs, they will say i am the same person, coz we have grown together..

but to tell the truth, i do miss how i used to me.. i dont like worrying abt things.. he said something that kinda woke me up.. he said it in context with something else, but it was like, what he said was an answer to somehing else in my head.. he said "you made mistakes, learn from it and dont repeat it".. true, it was very true.. i made a mistake in my past by being with ismail, i have learnt from it and now i want to make the same mistake again... which is stupid.. i should not make the same mistake right.. i mean we were not right for each other.. yes he has changed, and i have changed but if we were to be together now, it will be totally different.. it wont be the same relationship that i want.. true that we might be able to handle problems better and work things out better but maybe thats not what i want..

like i told him, i am in a state of confusion for the past 4 yrs.. i think he understood it as more becoz of him but i was referring to titus.. i dont know, soo many things has happend these yrs that i jus dont care abt anything anymore.. he told me that i will find love again.. of coz i know that.. i am so lovable.. :P but to tell the truth, i dont care.. happiness does not only rely on being in love or getting married.. there is more to life than that.. it does not mean that if you don find love, your life is miserable.. thatz just nonsense.. i can always just travel around the wrold like i have always wanted.. things change, your opionons and priorities change.. thatz life..

and than after this whole huge argument in my head, i told myself, shakthee who the hell are you kidding you do want to find love, you want to feel loved and thatz the truth.. yes i talk big, i know what is right and what i should do, but you dont always do the right actions.. i can be this strong person on the outside.. but i am a real softie inside.. and only people who know me so well can know when i am bullshitting.. hahaha..

i am trying very hard to let go, i am getting better.. i feel like i can jus be his friend.. but i dont know how i am gonna feel once i see him.. but if he wants to me to his friend than yes i will be.. i cant force a person to love me back.. i cant force anything.. its over means its over.. i should just put all the past memories aside and look at him like a new person whom i got to know..  a new friend.. yes thatz what i am gonna do.. i am not gonna think abt anything else.. i am happy.. happy thoughts shakthee happy thoughts.. like i always say, have fun, stay happy and keep smiling no matter what happens.. the lesser people know abt you, the better.. that way, i wont feel vulnerable.. yup jus block it out.. :D

you and i

yesterday was jus crazy.. ismail and i were skyping.. all was going fine.. i mean the idiot was jus making me blush and blush.. hahaha i couldnt even look at his face properly without giving that stupid wide smile.. jus his smile was enough.. haizzz i could literally feel myself melting.. how does he do it.. seriously.. and he was soo sweet.. we were sending songs to each other and reminiscing abt the past.. it was really nice.. than it started getting quite sad.. his gf called and he went off screen to talk to her.. it was only for a min but reality bitch slapped me, he was not mine anymore.. i didnt say anything though..

the weird thing i realised was that titus and i were together for such a long long time but he neve could read my emotions.. like when i was down, even the slightest bit.. i mean of coz he knew when i was really down coz it will be all over my face.. but the small moments when i feel disturbed or something, titus could neve see it.. but ismail on the other hand, even though we were only together for 3 months, he can immediately pick up when i am down or feeling disturbed.. even if it is over the phone.. he knew me so well.. and he cared so much.. like he will keep asking and asking until i tell him.. yes it was annoying at times when i jus wanna be left alone.. but it jus showed that he cared so much.. he saw that yesterday in me.. he asked me what was bothering but i jus said nothin and continued smiling and talking abt something else.. than he jus looked at me straight and told me, "you can smile and laugh but i can see the pain in your eyes shakthee, don lie to me, coz you suck at it".. i was quite shocked for a moment.. i forgot how much he could read my face.. but i told him, i am not ready to talk abt it... and reluctantly he dropped the subject..

and than he said something.. something that just touched my heart.. i saw his eyes welling up a little but he jus controlled it.. he thought i didnt notice.. i tried controlling my tears, i could feel it coming.. i was looking all over the screen except to meet his eyes.. but i jus could take it.. went off screen and broke down.. it was shitty i tell you.. helpless, shitty, lonely feeling.. like there was jus, no one else for me kinda feeling.. i came back to the screen and saw that ismail was missing.. after a few mins he came back.. he told me he went for a smoke.. that liar.. who is he kidding.. his eyes were watery and his face was just red.. like i don know him.. we were jus staring into each other's face for the next 5 mins or so.. i mean i really don know what the both of us are doing... it was jus so bad... so much feeling locked up.. i don know wad i am gonna do when i see him.. am i gonna be filled with joy, am i gonna break down infront of him, what am i gonna do..

*_*

i really dont know what to do with myself.. i am extremely happy.. but as much as i am happy, i am miserable.. everyday i am waiting to talk to ismail.. i asked him for his gf pic today.. he sent me.. she looks pretty.. they would look good together.. i suddenly felt jealous.. i dont get jealous.. not me.. but i realised today, that i am like other gals.. i do get jealous.. and its not the haha i am jealous but it made me realise i cant be with ismail.. he is no longer mine.. why am i waiting for his call.. why do i feel like my day is incomplete without talking to him.. without hearing his voice.. without him saying my name.. 

wad am i expecting him to do?? really.. what am I doing?? the more i talk to him, the more i yearn to be with him.. but the more i realise i cant.. how long is this gonna go on?? i am hurting myself.. i really feel like telling him i cant do this, i feel like telling him that i cant just be his friend.. but i cant bring myself to do it.. i feel like i just got him back and i cant bear to lose him again.. but really, are we jus gonna continue this "secret affair"??? for how long??? i feel a little sick thinking that i am someone's secret.. but i cant stop myself from talking to him.. why cant he just chose me.. but no, i should not think that way.. i am sure the girl loves him so much.. how can i think of them splitting up?? and even the thought of him telling her i love you, or holding her hand or kissing her.. i cant accept it.. no, not my ismail.. how can he be someone else.. but thatz the reality isnt it..

but how can ismail say he loves me and tell the other girl that he loves her too.. thatz like 2 timing isnt it?? 

i feel like a home wrecker.. i neve thought i will be ONE OF THEM... shit.. this is shit.. 

maybe its karma.. maybe its becoz i hurt titus.. maybe this is how he yearned for me and maybe this is god's way of punishing me.. its painful.. this feeling.. i feel helpless... the pain of wanting so badly, yet you know you cant have it.. why cant i jus cut out my heart and throw it away.. or jus drop dead..jus sleep and never wake up.. sweet serenity of death..

DONE!!!!!

well finally its done.. i broke up with titus yesterday.. he amazingly took it well.. i mean he posted something abt it in fb, like how pissed off he was.. but he didnt make it difficult for me.. when i was talkin to him, it seemes like he was busy doing something else.. like what i was saying was not important.. had alot of hold on, and alot of movement sounds over the phone.. felt like i was talking to the wall actually.. but when i told him what i had to tell him, he said, " yea this is what you keep telling me, but you end up coming back to me" than i told him yea thatz coz when i see you, the feeling come rushing back.. than he was all so serious and stern and said " when you come singapore, better dont meet me or call me, delete my number off your phone and i will not contact you anymore.. study well and take care".. and he put down the phone.. i was surprised.. but well there was no drama or anything.. like i didnt feel that bad..

actually after i put down the phone, i didnt feel any different at all.. not much difference actually.. coz in the first place, i never felt like i was in a relationship with him. back i had to keep reminding myself that i was.. like there will always be this voice at the back of my head which keeps telling me that i have a boyfren.. this guilty irritating feeling.. like i was not free.. i was contrained to someone.. its really not the feeling you should get when you are in a relationship.. i mean i love him and all.. i care for him.. but its jus not the strong feeling of love.. its more like yea i love you as a friend kinda feeling..

but finally its done.. and this time around, i am sooo not gonna meet him.. anyways even if i do, i wont go back to him.. i know i keep saying this but this time i really dont feel anything for him already.. i know it will never work out between me and titus..

that reminds me, there was a point during our conversation where i almost said ismail instead of titus.. hahahah LUCKY I DIDNT!!! oh god, how that would have turned out.. but i really hope he jus moves on and finds someone else.. i have a very strong feeling that he will.. this time around.. i think he is just sick and tired of this whole break up patch back thing.. i could sense that in the way he talked.. and he is much social now.. like i can see that he goes out more often and meets his friends more often.. not like last time.. so i really think he will move on soon.. he wont have a problem of finding someone else, there are already a few chicks who like him.. so he can jus chose from there.. hehehe.. i think they will suit him much better.. kinda in the same frequency as him.. i am trying to be arrogant coz i am educated and all.. i feel like i am being like that at times and its one of the reason why i was with him.. to tell myself that i am not like that.. but in reality it is the truth.. i am really not trying to be mean or i am not degrading him.. but its the choices that he made in life which has put him in this situation now.. which has made the both of us not compatible for each other..

another reason why i was with him was becoz of his family.. they all just adored me and it was so nice to be loved by someone else's family.. you know.. they all were so nice to me.. made me feel so important.. they always sided me.. and i feel like i betrayed their trust.. but i cant possibly be with him just for his family right.. i mean thats just nonsense.. but whats done is done.. and i hope he finds a girl soon and lives his life happily.. i dont know if he will be able to fully get over me, given the moments we shared.. but i really hope he does..

life goes on..

HAPPY!!!!! HAPPY!!!!

i just cant stop smiling.. these past few days have just been the most amazing days... ismail replied!!!!! on sunday.. the moment i saw the message, my heart literally stopped beating for a moment.. i could feel my face becoming hot.. as usual i went to his profile the moment i logged into my laptop and saw that he had added a sch in his profile.. asked haruna if you need to log in to do that.. she said yes and i was wondering it he had seen my message and deliberately not replied to it.. she asked me to resend the message.. so i did but added the sentence "if you want to ignore me please tell me so that i wont be driving myself crazy".. in 10 to 15 mins he replied.. it seems that he did reply to the message the day after i sent that message to him, using his friend's profile but i never got it.. :( anyways he said its okie.. and i just had to continue the conversation.. i told him i need to talk to him and i have some questions for him.. i typed wadever i felt... he messaged me using his friend's fb account.. asking if he can call coz to explain to me what had happened.. he called.. i just froze when i heard his voice.. there was jus air and some weird squeaks coming from my lips.. hhahaha.. but yea he talked to me.. and HE HAS A GF!!!! haizz.. so depressing..

anyways we talked.. than we skyped.. i got to see his smile!!!!! it was the most amazing smile.. the smile i loved.. the smile which never fails to melt my heart.. i couldnt stop smiling at him.. hahaha.. and than he called me at night.. we talked and talked the whole night.. i went to sch without sleeping.. but it didnt matter coz i was just over the moon.. 

he still loves me... but how sad is it that he has a gf.. he has changed soo much.. like soo much.. i can see it from the way he talks.. so different.. so much more mature in his thinking.. and he said the same to me.. he told me i have changed alot.. like in a good way.. more matured.. i guess it was just our age at that time.. i just didnt know how to handle a relationship.. i didnt know the "rules" of being in a relationship.. i was just too stubborn in my ways.. its either my way or no way.. i guess being with titus has thought be alot.. abt giving in and stuff.. 

oh god.. titus.. i wonder how i am gonna break up with him when i come sg.. its got nothing to do with ismail.. i didnt want to be in a relationship with him again.. but it jus happened the last time i went sg.. and i just want to get out of it.. but breaking up with him AGAIN!!! the fourth time.. thatz gonna destroy him.. how do i even say the words. its like i have said those words 3 times previously and i am jus gonna repeat myself.. i am just such a terrible person.. and he is just gonna forgive me and tell me he will wait for me.. but i dont think i can ever forgive myself.. i am just hurting him over and over again.. and its not like he will jus accept it and move on.. he will jus wait.. i dont know how long he is gonna wait but it will be at least a yr more.. i dont wan him to do anything stupid.. like he did previously... i mean he is finally in a job and is taking courses to improve and stuff.. and i dont wan him to screw anything up coz of me.. like start drinking again and stuff.. that will jus eat me alive. to think that i screwed up someone's life like that..

i dont know.. rosey and haruna said they will be somewhere around there for moral support.. i really think i need it man.. 

and than coming back to ismail.. we talked abt what happened after our breakup.. ALOT happened... sajiv was a total bastard i tell you.. he literally made up stories and screwed up everything.. some of the things which sajiv told me that ismail said might have been possible.. but he was stupid and angry.. he is bound to say such things.. but some of the things that sajiv claimed ismail said NEVER happened.. ismail never asked his shirt back.. and he gave sajiv the card i made him but it never came back to me.. neither did he give back the shirt to sajiv.. i dont know what the felle was thinking.. 

anyways i am just very happy that ismail and i are talking again.. i mean he has a gf and all.. but we can always be just friends right.. hahaha yea who am i kidding.. but i just love talking to him.. the way he says my name.. never thought i will hear it again.. and i cant believe i am actually talking to him.. jus feels like the old times.. in my room, talking to him for hours at night.. hehehe.. he is just so sweet.. 

even IF he had said all those things abt me after we broke up, i really cant be angry with him now.. i jus cant help myself from just feeling the love for him.. every time i talk to him, my heart skips a beat.. and i can never stop smiling.. seriously, titus has never made me feel this way.. i don know if i am being mean but really he has never made me this happy.. 

i am meeting ismail!! hehe we are going to the zoo.. so happy.. not alone.. we both agreed that, that will be a bad idea.. :DDDDDDDDD this is my face right now.. hahahah... 

but i cant help but feel disturbed some times.. feel like its wrong of me to be even talking to him.. i mean its my fault that i even rekindled all those feelings in ismail.. i should not have talked to him again.. i feel like i am coming inbetween him and his gf.. like he is cheating on her by just talking to me.. how would i feel if this was happening to me right.. i would rather have my bf break up with me than to talk to his ex gf behind my back.. but i dont wan ismail and his gf to break up either.. its really not fair for her.. he loves her and i think the both of them deserve that happiness.. and plus his mom hates me.. but loves her.. reality is a total bitch.. but as much as i know wad i am doing is wrong, i cant stop it.. i cant stop myself from talking to him.. 

why do i get myself into such troubles.. really.. i should jus stay away from guys i tell you.. guys be aware.. i am the girl your friends warned you abt.. i have just 2 ex bfs and i have given them so much torture.. oh god..

what have i become

so its a nice sat morning.. the sun is shining.. the birds are chirping.. probably.. and i am sitting at my desk all ready to jump into doing my assignment which is due on tue.. as per my usual routine, i checked my fb.. the first thing i do when i switch on my laptop.. and as usual, i went to ismail's account.. i have no idea why i do that but you know i just stare at his pic a few seconds before i log out.. okie i know, its creepy.. haha.. i dont know why but i the maps he had on his profile caught my eye. his most signed in place which is his CD headquarters.. i just clicked on the map and saw another spot there.. his home.. hougang..

i always thought he stayed in AMK.. coz we usually walk from AMK station to his house.. i totally forgot how to walk to his place though.. but anyways i went to google earth and checked it out to see if it was indeed his home address.. and the next thing i knew, i was staring at his block and the table that i used to sit at and wait for him was beside his block on the picture.. and all the memories just came rushing back... the same place where he peeked at me from his hall window once when i was waiting for him.. the same place where i did something really stupid and ended up in a whole emotional disaster.. and the same place where i realized how much he loved me (during one of our usual quarrels).. so so much memories..

and suddenly i realized what the hell i was doing.. like how creepy and insane i have become over him.. i cant believe i was actually doing what i was doing.. how insane is it.. i have become his facebook STALKER!!!! me!!! oh god.. i am driving myself insane.. what am i doing..

i had a dream abt him again.. that i went to his workplace in singapore to meet him.. but i woke up the moment i saw him.. it has been more than a month since i sent him the message and as each day passes, after every dream i have abt him, the desperation of talking to him is just increasing.. i am constantly thinking abt ways i can get his number and contact him.. i have become this person that i hate.. this crazy, idiotic person.. even now i am actually thinking abt lookin through the yellow pages to get his number using his address..

I HAVE GOT TO STOP MYSELF!!!  i have to keep this insanity under control or i am seriously gonna do something stupid which i am gonna regret.. all i want is to talk to him.. why is it so difficult.. i KNOW he will reply to me once he sees my fb message.. but when is that gonna be?? when is he gonna see my message? when is he gonna check his friggin fb?? the longer this takes, the more crazy i am becoming.. what has he done to me... what have i done to myself.. why did this have to happen.. oh god.. if i was in spore right now, i think i would seriously have just gone down to his block.. i swear i would have done that.. so thank god i am in australia right now...

i told his fren karthik how i felt and that i really need to talk to him.. but i dont know and i dont think he is actually trying his best to get me his number.. he seems a little suspicious.. like he would rather "keep me for himself" kinda thing.. coz firstly, which fren (especially a guy) would talk to his fren's ex galfren right.. like doesnt that go against their "bro code".. and secondly he is so nice to me.. again which fren would be so nice to his fren's ex galfren especially after the super dramatic break up we had.. but now he is the only link remaining between me and ismail.. so i have to just suck it up and be nice to him.. i am terrible.. in every way possible..

when did i become this totally strange person.. i dont even recognize myself anymore.. i used to think that as a person, i was really nice.. i didnt mean any harm to anyone and i cared for everyone.. but now i realise that as much as i have been nice to someone, i have hurt another person twice as much.. i have been so selfish and didnt even realise it.. i was just so full of myself.. if only i can go back and do right all the wrongs..

if i go back in time, i would not stop myself from dating ismail.. i would stop myself from dating titus though.. and than i think, is it true that girls get attracted to idiots.. i mean obviously titus is a much better guy than ismail.. in the way he took care of me and stuff.. but why.. why am i soo in love with ismail.. even after all he did to me, why do i want him and not the better guy.. this is the point where i take a slipper and beat myself.. i deserve it..

what am i going to do... how long can i last before i really do something stupid..

why!?!?!?!?!?

woke up today feeling shitty for 2 reasons.. first i am sick.. f-ed up.. its not the kind of flu where you just have a runny nose.. its the kind when your ears, throat hurts so bad each time you swollow your saliva.. didnt get much sleep at all.. next up, my dream.. finally when i fell asleep, i was abrubtly woken up by my dream.. and yes after that i had to say goodbye to my sleep..

it was abt ismail.. god!! he is literally killing me without being in my life.. why is he doing this to me.. i dreamt that i met up with him.. it was a totally weird place.. but it felt like i know the place.. it felt like i have been there before.. anyways i was with him and we were talkin abt something.. and than he hugged me.. it felt so right.. the weird thing was not dreaming abt him.. but i actualy felt him hugging me.. you know how they say that you don actually feel anything when you are dreaming. as in emotions wise.. but i felt my heart beating so fast and i felt the thingly feeling when he hugged me (the good kind) and i can remember his face.. exactly like how it was 4 yrs ago.. he was so close to me.. i was lying down on his arms and he was jus smiling at me.. and he kissed me.. and thatz when i woke up.. silly, stupid.. i dont know but i was just lying on my bed confused and feeling miserable and sick.. not a good way to start my day..

am i that into him.. i really dont understand this whole thing abt him.. why after 4 yrs i am feeling this.. shouldnt i be over and done with this.. done with him.. than  why???

and i am sitting in my uni, having missed my first class.. firstly coz i forgot to bring tissue and my nose was just dripping that i had to run to the toilet to blow my nose.. that made me late.. my lecturer DOES NOT like late comers.. so i decided to avoild the unnesserary emmbarresment and skipped class.. and our song (mine and ismail's) started playing my my phone.. like that is gonna make things bette.. so yea not surprisingly i broke down in my uni.. thank god its a deserted place in the mornings.. these tears are not solely becoz of him.. its also due to my unstopping flow of mucous.. hate feeling sick.. just one at a time please.. its either i am just sick or i am thinking abt him.. i cant handle both at the same time!!!!!

and coming to something else.. titus.. god!!! he called yesterday.. and being a bitch, i did not really talk to him properly.. poor boy.. he called me so lovingly and of coz i didnt show him what i was feeling but i know in my heart that i am not doing the right thing.. all i could think abt was ismail.. like i am cheating titus emotionally you know.. even at the end of the conversation when he said i love you, i said it back. but it was just words.. it had no feeling attached to it.. and its totally against my morals.. i have always and only said those words when i really feel it.. but to him, its just words.. i am not lying to him.. i am just lying to myself... i am cheating both him and me.. i hate doing this to him.. but how can i end things with him yet again.. a 3rd time.. i cant bring myself to do it.. i am such a terrible person.. why must he love me so much.. it just makes things so hard for me.. why cant he realise that its not gonna work out and leave me.. just leave me titus..

stop dripping nose!!!!! have to run to the toilet again.. seriously feel like chopping off my nose.. this is what global warming does to you.. the abrupt change in weather.. this ALWAYS happens during the beggining of winter.. ISMAIL!!!! TITUS!!! NOSE!!!! i was wanna run somehwere and hide..

more than just....

just finished my molecular bio assignment.. decided to check fb.. came across a post by my not so close friend.. i think his friend passed away.. he posted this song abt friendship. next thing i know, i am tearing.. 

its was about losing a friend.. and suddenly i got this uncomfortable feeling in my tummy.. like i lost something kinda feeling.. its not that i have lost someone, its just that i think i am missing my friends too much ya know.. all my life, i have been more into friends.. i love my family, and i am very close to them.. but as i grew up, being the youngest and all, i didnt have someone in my family to talk to or to guide me or anything like that.. in sec sch especially, i learnt the value of friendship and how it an save you at the same time dump you in shit.. i have always been only able to talk things out with my friends.. not all, just a handful or special ones.. i was never able to talk such personal things with my family members.. to think abt it, my close friends know me inside out, way bette than anyone else.. and i am truely grateful to them.. they have kept me sane all these yrs and i dont know what i would do without them.. 

they are not just friends, they are more like my second family.. and i dont know how i am gonna be without living close to them.. meet up whenever we wish to, go have our thanni sessions, talk cock, emo together.. hahaha i love you guys.. don ever leave me.. i cant even think abt losing ppl like you.. you guys are just irreplaceable in my life.. 

just know that you are in my heart, you will never leave my heart and i love you.. even if i dont tell you that, you should know by now.. :)

Love? Seriously?

i was just watching some crap tamil movie... something that was in my hard drive.. anyways what lead to me blog was something i observed in the movie.. actually i have observed this in ALL tamil movies.. just felt like saying out loud.. 

anyways the hero sees the girl and its love at first sight.. he finds her gorgeous and wants to marry her.. from that instant, he cant think of any other girls and he cant love anyone else.. that basically sums up almost all the tamil movies i know.. 

the stupid part is that, it is not love.. like seriously come on, that just crush.. how can ppl in india not know the difference.. but i bet if you tell them that its cursh and not love, they will look at you like you are a slut.. they will ask you "how can you love so many guys?".. but seriously, someone should tell them the difference.. i have crushes too.. when i see a really cute guy, i do drool a little but i dont go behind him and say that i love him or i want to marry him... i don know shit abt him.. how can i love him?? love is something completely different.. it happens when you know the person so well, that it comes to a point where you dont need words to express feelings and you just understand each other and you cant live without the person.. i mean thatz love.. or movie love.. i dont know.. i mean i am seriously no expert when it comes to love but thatz my definition.. haizz seriously, tamil movies....... ridiculous..