......

hmmmm is it weird that whenever i listen to a love song, the first person who pops in my mind is ismail and not titus.. i mean shouldnt i be thinking abt my "boyfriend" instead of my ex.. 

i dont know maybe its becoz i have been thinking abt ismail constantly for the past 1 month.. damn thatz long.. waiting and waiting.. maybe this is how he would have felt when we broke up.. but than i dont think he felt bad that we broke up.. he didnt seem like he was hurt.. he was angry yes but i am not too sure abt heartbroken.. i don know.. i guess i would not really know until i talk to him.. when will be message meeeeeeeeeee..... he is testing my patience.. AS USUAL!!!!!!

jus something

okie its not like i am purposely emoing.. but i think this song was jus so me.. i could jus relate... especially the first part.. its En Nanbane song from Mankatha...

yen nanbane ennai yethai

en paavamai vanthu vaaithai

un polave nalla nadigan oh

ur engilum ellai oruvan

nallavargal yaro

theeyavargal yaaro

kandukondu kanni yaarum 

kaadhal seivathillaiye

gangai nathiyalla kaanal nathi enru

pirpaadu gnyanam vanthu laabam ennavo

 don you think its very true.. we dont fall in love with someone after analyzing them.. i mean we should.. but we dont always.. thatz wad leads to some of the biggest mistakes in our lives.. at the same time you cant just it go becoz they have hurt you or they are a bad person (i am not taking abt a murderer or a rapist)... becoz you can never lie to your own feelings.. wads felt is felt.. no matter how wrong it is.. its something you can never erase.. 

:'(

you.. everything reminds me of you.. when someone posts something happy abt love, it reminds me of what we used to have.. when someone posts how love has hurt them, it reminds me of what we no longer have.. 

there isnt a single day that goes by without me thinking abt you at least once.. its not that i want to, it just happens.. every love song reminds me of you, one way or another.. why did you do this to me.. why did you show me love when you never meant to be with me forever.. why did you say those lies to me.. why did you make me cry when all i wanted to do was share my happiness with you..spend my life with you.. why did you throw my love away, was it so easy to jus dump me in a corner.. did i not mean anything to you.. i shared my happiness and sorrow with you.. i threw my feelings at your feet hoping you would do the same with me.. 

how much i tried to work things out between us.. those empty promises you gave me.. but in the end, in the end, it was all my fault.. how easy it was for you to thrash talk abt me.. i respected our love but i guess you didnt see it that way.. how to suspected me, my love every single time we had a spat.. how i cried, begged you to hear me, to understand me.. your ears heard my cries but your heart never did... you said you could never live without me.. was that all i lie.. a lie that i bought because it was you.. you were everything to me.. and now i am no one to you.. how things turn out.. funny isnt it.. life, love, feelings, emotions.. you played a game.. i hope it was fun for you coz sure as hell i didnt enjoy it..  

i could never see you get hurt.. i shed tears, so much tears when you got hurt.. when you got hurt becoz of me.. how i hated myself but i could never hate you.. it broke my heart everytime i saw sorrow in your eyes... but you were always blind to mine.. i wanted to feel the same pain as you.. did you ever understand that i would do anything for you.. i made a mistake as you always did.. but you neve came back to me.. you never fought for me or our love.. you didnt care... you left me astray.. i was a passing cloud to you.. something you enjoyed for a while and waited for something better to come by.. 

did i not deserve your love.. has someone better arrived for you yet.. have they filled the hole i left in your heart.. becoz no one has replaced you in my heart.. you were mine.. my love, my everything.. 

i still remember walking behind you.. trusting you.. i cherished you..but you left me behind.. lost, yearning to see you.. see you smile and tell me everything is gonna be alright, like how you always did.. tell me you never left but just got lost a little.. tell me how you searched for me in the darkness.. tell me you never gave up.. tell me i am yours.. hold me tight and never let go.. warm me with your smile.. i am not angry.. just hurt.. very hurt.. why dont you understand that.. you are blinded by your anger.. anger and revenge.. you never let my love show you the colours of the world.. but you did.. you showed me the beauty of the rain, night, sunshine, wind everything.. everything holds your memory.. you are always in my mind and you never left my heart.. you just took everything.. and i am left empty..ppl say time heals everything.. time has gone by but it has never erased you, or the hurt or my love..

all i ask if for you to talk to me... i am willing to listen.. will you listen to me as well..

:)

"Girls are like apples on trees... The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling & getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground but aren't as good, and are easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient & the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday..."

THIS IS FOR MY BEAUTIFUL LADIES.. HARUNA AND ROSEY...

ramdomness at midnight

i was jus listening to songs.. got reminded of ismail.. like thatz a surprise.. anyways than i got thinking abt life.. the question "what are we living for?", "who are we living for?" popped in my head..

if given a scenario where you are living alone.. jus imagine this, you are wherever you are living.. but all your family members, relatives are in some remote country where there is only one way of communication which is through the phone.. or lets not even have that.. there is no way of communication except from their side.. so over the phone you can only hear them and they cant hear you.. your frenz dont judge you at all.. no one judges you.. how would you live your life?? would you do anything different?? would you take different choices in life?? now jus think for a sec.. how would you define happiness?? and how would you define love?? 

you dont have to care abt status, coz no one is judging you, you don have to be afraid of what your family will think of you dont have to worry that they will disapprove of whoever you are gonna bring home coz they are in some other country far away from you.. 

i really wonder.. becoz i really really would make different choices in life if such a scenario were to happen.. i mean i wouldnt need to care abt what ppl are gonna think of me.. i don have to worry abt how they are gonna judge me.. i don have to care abt anything at all.. i can do whatever i want that gives me happiness.. and take wadever decisions i want.. but you see, there wont be ppl to tell you what you are doing is right or wrong.. you dont have anyone to advise you that the choice you make is the most dumbest thing ever.. but YOU get to make the choice.. learn from mistakes.. no one is gonna point at you and say "i told you so".. and even if you make mistakes, you can jus leave it and move on with your life.. you dont have to think abt the consequences.. and by that i mean what would ppl think of you if you do it.. will they label you or look down on you.. you don have to think abt all that before you make a choice becoz none of it will matter.. no one would care..

i bet everything will be different.. everyone would be different.. it will be a whole new world to live in.. can you imagine that.. that will be so cool.. every soul will be equal.. quite interesting...

drive a screwdriver through my head

its day 4... its been 4 days since i have smoked.. and it is driving me insane.. i have come to the "why am i quitting" phase.. this is where i usually start asking why and for whom and i stopping cig.. wad do i gain from this, why am i putting myself through this torment.. and usually this is where i give up and go buy a pack of cigs.. and i am sooo close to doing that.. its constantly in my head..

just once stick is all i ask for.. jus 1.. i don wan the whole pack.. maybe 1 every 3 days.. that wouldnt be so bad right.. but if do buy a pack, i will def smoke it all in a week.. i cant control myself if its right there.. damn if only i have someone to control the pack for me.. 

why am i doing this?? for me.. the ans is for me.. i am getting older and i want ppl to see me the way i see myself and that is attainable if i quit smoking.. i don wan this filthy habit.. yea thatz the reason.. not for health.. i want to be a responsible adult who does not have bad habits.. i can do this.. 

but just once cig is not gonna harm.. i will smoke one stick than i wont for the next 3 days.. this way i will also be quitting right.. i mean you dont call a person who smokes a cig every 3 days to be addicted to smoking right.. 

why the hell did i smoke.. why i ask why!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

the sweet sweet smell of cig.. the intoxicating feeling when you take the first puff after such a long time.. i can almost feel it going down my  lungs.. blood absorbing the nicotine.. pumping it through my veins.. oh the sweet sensation of dying cells and brain numbing effect.. how i yearn for you.. will we be united again once more? jus once more...

FML

well something new jus came up.. i was chatting with the kaartik felle.. ismail's fren.. jus randomly i asked him if he was in the hospital the day we broke up.. you know coz ismail fainted and was brought to the hospital.. anyways i asked him if he remembers what went on there.. coz until now i am not very sure you see.. so i asked him if it was true that he wanted to beat me up and stuff.. the guy said not at all.. if he did want to, they would have def stopped him or given him a tight slap..

see now i dont know if he is saying that coz he is a fren but i have a gut feeling thatz not the case.. yes in these past yrs i have started trusting my gut feeling.. anyways wad if was sajeev told me all was a lie or exaggerated truth.. wad if ismail neve meant all those things.. wad if he did say all those things but day later realised how much he love me and miss me but sajeev neve came and told all this "good" parts.. becoz i remember sajeev asking me for a really weird and insulting things after all these drama.. after i rejected did we kinda stopped talking.. so what if wadever sajeev said was to drive me away from ismail.. 

i wonder i wonder.. my heart is beating so fast and i can feel like my face turning so hot.. my stomach hurts and damn i am back to square 1.. 

need a smoke!!! seriously!!!!

consequences?? haha bitch please..

yello yello.. hmmm nothing much been happening.. the same old fb stalking.. heheh...

there is this guy, jaiganesh.. my fb friend.. i have no idea when i accepted his fren request.. but anyways we have been talking for quite some time now.. since last yr.. but only this yr did we start chatting quite alot.. coz i am always on fb and he is always on fb and i am always bored.. hahaha.. but anyways he said he had alot of free credit for international calls and asked me if i mind talking on the phone.. the thing is that usually i would have said no.. i dont give out my number like that.. especially when i already have a "boyfren" but i have no idea why, i us gave him.. i only realised what i had done after we were on the phone for abt 30 mins.. but the weird thing is that i didnt feel guilty... i didnt feel like i am cheating on titus.. well firstly becoz i dont even feel like i have a bf.. i keep forgetting that i have a bf.. -_- and secondly, i have forgotten the meaning of consequences.. hehehe... i think like haruna said, i am jus too daring coz i am all the way here and i know that no one can do anything.. 

hehehe.. but anyways its not like there is anything romantic going on between me and this guy.. i am jus his past time and he is mine.. it quite boring talkin to him anyways.. i usually catch myself stoning or doing something else when i am talking to him and jus replying to him "yea, yea,, really? oh i see".. hehehe.. 

titus.. haizz dont know what to do with him.. i think he called me the day before yesterday.. totally ccant remember.. i think he is losing his "undying love" as well.. i mean usually he is super clingy and stuff but this time around he rarely calls me. i mean don be mistaken, i am NOT sad abt at all.. in fact i am very very relieved.. he can be quite a handful at times.. and i really hopes he jus loses his feelings.. seriously.. it will make me feel so much better.. and def less guilty.. 

ISMAIL!!!! when are you gonna check your facebook.. haizz.. this is sooo boring i tell ya.. like it jus sucks waiting.. why can he friggin be an active user right.. like what else does he have better to do?? fight for world peace?? free spore from the clutches of evil??? resolve poverty?? what!?!?!?!? check check the damn thing already.. and give me a reply.. a good one.. something i would like.. heheheh... but really check it..

day 3 of smoke free lungs.. feel like going crazy.. feeling very anxious.. i keep looking at the backyard and thinking how nice it would be to jus stand there and have a smoke.. jus one cig is all i ask.. than i keep thinking abt where to get that one stick.. than i think abt all the cig butts i have thrown out and wondering would it be too pathetic if i try and find one with a little bit more to smoke.. than i tell myself its TOO pathetic.. i need chocolate man.. i need my ben & jerrys ice cream.. they don have it here.. damn!!!!... like something is missing from my life.. haizzz

as much as i keep thinking abt jus buying one more pack of cigs, i wonder if i do buy it and smoke again, when will the next time i will quit?? i am 23, i am not a young punk anymore.. i need to stop smoking.. its not something i want to continue for the rest of my life.. and if i tell myself that i will wait till i get a bf and he will help me quit.. than i am just kidding myself coz if i cant help myself, who can help me??? and if i want a bf who does not smoke, than i too have to quit right.. thatz the fair thing to do..

so thanks to this random rambling of thoughts which does not really make sense even to myself, i am back on track.. i am not gonna lose the battle today.. not today..

huff and puff

its a brand new day!!! the sun is shinning, the birds are chirping.. i feel so much healthier that i have decided to stop smoking.. well this is probably what i would like to say..

i quit smoking today.. going cold turkey.. i think its time for me to give up the habit.. i feel like my skin looks bad, i feel unhealthy and my gums are receding too much.. i had recurring nightmares of my teeth falling out and its jus freaking me out.. 

today was the first day.. 30 mins after i woke up, i started craving for cig.. i just keep thinking abt going down to the shop and getting a pack.. but it was raining soo terribly.. non stop the whole friggin day.. so i guess that stopped me from leaving the house.. maybe nature was on my side.. hehe 

well i have successfully gone through 3/4 of the day without smoking.. so thatz a good sign.. jus have to continue this battle.. 

by the way ismail's fren kaartik replied my message.. oh yea his post suddenly appeared on my wall and i realized he was ismail's fren after seeing ismail's pic in his profile.. anyway i jus messaged him asking if he was ismail's fren.. he replied me yea and that he remembers be, being ismail's ex and all and asked if i would be interested to talk to him.. as frenz.. but i kept asking a few questions abt ismail, like wad he is doing now and stuff and i think the guy got irritated and jus said okie tc.. hahaha.. well i hope this news goes into ismail's ears.. maybe than he might check his fb.. aahhhh check it damn you.. 

break time!!!

i am taking a mini break from alllll the studying i have been doing for the past 20 mins.. hahaha *kicks myself*... studying for my tue paper.. for physics!!!!! and its not like the sec sch physics.. like that was any easy.. its more advanced and its kinda killing me.. although its quite nice doing math again.. yes i love math.. but the reason for this post is actually... ermmm nothing actually.. jus thought i will do something other than stare at my facebook..

oh yea i talked to bear on friday.. well i jus asked him randomly.. i asked if he liked me.. he asked why i am asking all of a sudden and i kinda used my brother in law's name.. saying that he messed with my head saying that guys dont spend soo much time talking to a gal if he does not like her.. but he said no.. he said he does have mixed feelings but he isnt sure how he feels.. he asked me if i liked him and i said no.. not in that way.. although he is a really nice guy.. i told him that i need time to get my own feelings sorted out before i can like any guy.. 

feel much better now.. i just dont want to lead anyone on than feel shitty abt it later on.. its better to just get things out of the way and let him know that i am not emotionally available now.. i am trying not to make silly mistakes anymore.. 

nothing much really.. jus busy with studying.. locked up in my room.. staring at the outside world through my window.. 

oh yea and i am hoping to quit smoking soon.. yes yes i have been saying this for a looonnnggg time but i really want to.. the problem is that the moment exams are near, i jus feel like i have to smoke in between studying.. its my zen moment.. the 10 most peaceful mins i get with myself, my own thoughts.. you know.. like how it is for some people when they take a dump.. i dont know how i am going to quit.. but i will really try.. i am not gonna buy a pack after i finish my current pack of cigs... makes me nervous jus thinking abt going without smoking..

i think the first time i attempted to quit was when i was with ismail.. we made a pact to quit together.. hehe i influenced him to smoke again on the 2nd day.. mean girl.. i wonder if he still smokes.. 

i think i should jus dedicate this blog to ismail.. almost every post of mine has something abt him.. -_-

haunting memories

welllllllllll april 12th.. this date might not mean much to anyone.. this was the date i got into a relationship with ismail 4 yrs back.. if we were still together, we would be celebrating our 4 yr anniversary.. but we are not.. so its just another date which hold much memories.. this was the day when i got my first kiss.. a proper one.. with whom i shared feelings with.. i still can remember.. well like they say, girls dont forget their first kiss.. it was in a park.. i dont know the name of the park coz we were jus walking for hours and ended up somewhere but i know it was in either ang mo kio or yishun.. it was a huge park.. filled with trees.. we were walking beside each other.. it was full moon.. i remember that becoz we were talking abt how beautiful it was.. it was right above us.. he was wearing a cap and i took it away.. he kept asking and i said no.. yes yes it was childish of me but hey i was just 19.. anyways he came towards to to take it.. our faces was just centimeters away and than it happened..our eyes were locked and he leaned in and kissed me.. it was a very quick one.. but it jus seemed to go on forever.. it was like the perfect kiss.. and i was blushing.. hahahah yes i know me? blushing? but yea i didnt even look at his face for the next 10 mins and i jus kept looking down smiling.. he got worried and asked if he did anything wrong.. i looked at him and jus smiled.. and he smiled back at me.. that smile.. that wonderful smile that i love.. that jus melts my heart.. and he grabbed hold of my hand and it was just perfect.. 

one thing i love abt him was that he was very spontaneous.. he knew the right moments.. and he just did things which a girl loves.. like in the movies.. that was wad i really miss.. the moments when you are admiring the lake and he jus hugs you from the back and whispers in your ear that he loves you and the moments when you are enjoying the rain and catch him staring at you in wonder instead.. the cheeky smile he gives when he realizes he had made you blush.. the times he jus grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed it assuring me that nothing will happen to me when i am just screaming at him.. even when he have the worst fights, at the end of the day, he still said the perfect thing which made you feel like everything is going to be alright.. 

there was once when we had one of our bad fights.. i cant remember what it was.. he were on our way to watch dark knight.. and i jus couldnt take it and i ran off crying.. i actually jus ran up one of the blocks coz i wanted to be alone.. and the next thing i knew he was calling me and calling out my name in panic.. after abt 10 mins when i was calm enough, i went down and found him sitting on the bench nearby holding his head on his knees.. i went beside him thinking he was gonna scream at me for running off like that.. but he looked at me.. his eyes were wet.. it just broke my heart.. he held my hand and told me how sorry he was and he wouldnt know wad to do if i leave him.. 

you see i dont know if he jus knew wad to say to a girl or if he actually meant it.. but either way, it never failed to touch my heart.. he had that "gift".. the one which all gals hope their boyfren would have.. 

but of coz we have had the worst fights too.. that was wad lead to the break up.. but who cares abt those things when you can just think abt the happy moments..

titus was always there for me.. no doubt.. but he could never make my heart skip a beat or he could never do things which just makes my knee feel like jelly.. but he was always there for me..

well haruna, if you are reading this, i think i deserve a slap right now..

zone away

aahhh seriously.. one thing which i seriously appreciate abt singapore.. EX LINK CARDS!!!! bloody hell twice i got stuck in human traffic becoz of the friggin faulty ticket i got issued today.. at central station somemore.. got through with the '1 ticket 2 people' move.. thanks to the lady behind me.. but its was more of she didnt have a choice.. hahah so kanchiong already put in the ticket before i could go out the other way.. seriously why cant they have friggin ex link card system here.. where the trains are always packed.. it will make life sooo much easier and everyone would travel more efficiently.. no more annoying rude train officers waking you up when you are sleeping in the train.. no more queing up for sooooo looonnnggg to buy ticket every morning, especially monday mornings.. and no more jam at the exit and entry points.. damn..

secondly.. i have decided to take out my lip piercing.. FOR GOOD!!! i decided it yesterday.. have no idea why suddenly but i just thought after 6 long years, i need a change.. the piercing has been with me through out the most dramatic times in my life.. and i feel like i need a fresh start.. i dont know how removing the piercing is gonna help me.. but i feel like its a much needed change.. something different in my face.. i sign that i am an adult now.. no time for silly things in my life.. something like that.. i actually feel much better.. like i have given up something old and unwanted in my life.. my poor ring is locked away in my drawer.. a new me..

and one more thing.. i have been talking to bear everyday since i came here.. bear is my poly fren.. shanker's fren actually who got introduced to me.. he used to like me.. he told me that he likes me on 2009 new year when i told him that i was spending it with my boyfren titus.. he said something like oh no, i have missed my chance.. coz i kinda liked you.. something like that.. i cant remember exactly.. i kept that message in my old hp before it got stolen.. :( but anyways i have been in contact with him all these yrs and we have grown quite close since i came here.. he is a very very nice guy.. sweet, caring, tall but a yr younger... haha anyways thatz not the point.. the point is i think he likes me.. again or still.. not sure.. i neve asked.. but i can see it in the way he talks to me.. yesterday he said he wanted to marry me and i said yea if he dares come alone and talk to my family abt it i will marry him.. thinking that he was joking.. but i am not sure anymore.. i feel weird asking him if he does like me.. i mean thatz gonna be soo weird.. how do i even ask.. but i dont have such feeling towards him.. i have no idea why.. he is a perfectly nice guy yet i dont like him in that way while i pine over idiots.. wad am i to do with myself.. anyway i should ask him.. soon.. i don wan to make him uncomfortable or make things weird between us.. it has been so nice talking to him.. makes me feel at home.. like i am not alone.. like someone cares for me afterall.. but i shouldnt lead him on.. that is if he does like me.. i should tell him.. soon soon..

it was so nice to jus zone out in the mornings.. in the train, cold breeze on your face, listening to slow songs.. jus lovely.. thought abt ismail here and there but it was not the overwhelming feeling.. i think i am over that now.. its jus nice thinking abt the future.. how i want it to be.. my perfect life.. its gonna be awesome.. i can feel it.. its gonna be just like how i want it to be.. no more nonsense.. everything will fall into place.. yes it will..

MY FUTURE HOME!!!!!

the view i want to wake up to every morning.. simple yet beautiful.. my dream home...

zzzzz

was just reading haruna's old blog.. hahahah so much memories.. kallang rivers and other random stuff.. it was nice.. than i came to 2008 mid yr period and realized i was not there for many outings.. guess that was the time where i went missing coz of ismail.. damn he jus sucked out like 3 months of my life.. but i don feel that bad abt it now.. it was a valuable lesson in my life.. which i dont think i learnt well coz i keep wanting to make the same bloody mistake!!!!!

but i am all better now.. really.. seriously.. after almost 2 weeks, i am all good.. i don miss him too much.. yea the occasional thoughts are there.. but its not like i miss him so much and nonsense like that.. i feel more focused... i dont want to be the stupid 19 yr old gal again.. life somehow feels like it skipped the past 3 yrs though.. BECOZ NOTHING HAS BEEN HAPPENING!! during my sec sch days and poly days, there was always something happening.. meeting new people and going places.. life was fun and exciting.. but these past 3 yrs, there has been nothing happening and i feel likei have jus wasted these yrs.. soooo booorrriiinnnggggg... well things have been happening but not like WOW or anything.. i dont know maybe i am jus not excited abt life anymore.. i wonder how it would have been if i did my degree in spore.. hehehe i dont think i would have been very focused.. i would have been going out too often.. its a good thing i am far away from everyone and is in aus doing my degree.. i am more focused and i am actually studying.. so its a good thing..

i do miss my poly times.. the random conversations with haruna, nessa, cs, nasri, rosey.. we will be talking absolute nonsense.. but it always felt like home.. that comfortable feeling you get around them.. like nothing can hurt you.. it was always happy.. they jus made me so happy.. the dirty jokes and bullying rosey.. hahah she was so cute and such a blur sotong.. where did everything go.. the biggest deal in the 3 yrs of poly was FYP.. hahahah how easy it was to think abt it now.. in uni i am practically doing a few reports and presentations per semester.. i guess we grow up without realizing it.. how things were such a big deal back than when actually it was nothing.. blissful life wit the rp gang...

anddddd i am back to thinking abt ismail.. hahahahahahahaha *bangs my own head on the table*

gone...

i jus realized how much i had forgotten myself.. had a long conversation with shanker.. it was really nice.. jus like old times..

where had i gone.. i guess in these 3.5 yrs i have lost myself somewhere.. forgotten my way.. who i was.. what i had wanted in life.. well i knew what i wanted in life but i was actually ready to forgo all that and for what? i need to get back on my road again.. get what i want in life.. my ultimate goal..

i have a aim and i will do anything and everything to reach it..

this is why i need shanker in my life.. he has been so important.. he always knew what to say.. he knows me that well.. even better than i know myself.. he always keeps me on track.. (i am not praising you ah shanker) :P but its the truth.. everyone needs that one person in their life.. and i am glad i have mine..

i jus don know what i am going to do with my current situation.. titus.. he will move on after me.. i really hope he will.. he always says that he wont.. but i am sure he will.. i mean this is not a tamil movie right.. but i need to know that he will.. i dont want to responsible for yet another hurt, heartbreak.. whether i am in the right or wrong, it does not matter.. but hurt is hurt.. i cant bear to know live with that kind of guilt.. it will haunt me.. even when i think abt ismail, i just want to let him know how sorry that i am that i have caused him that kind of hurt.. it does not matter what he did to me.. he might not be forgive me now but at least he needs to know that i did not mean to do what i did.. i sent him that message and i hope he can.. one day at least.. even though he has said such hurtful things in his fb, i am still not angry with him.. call it love, call it stupidity but i am not angry.. hurt.. very hurt.. yes..

well it does not matter.. i have done lots of think which i regret in life.. lots of unsaid things.. i cant possibly make all things right.. at least i have made one thing right.. already feeling much happier..

silly me

well.. shanker replied to my message on fb.. like finally.. he said "It's okay Shakthee..I'm so sorry too..I wish you all the best for your future.." i replied him something like " thank you for being there and helpng me through the hardest part of my life and thank you for always being there for me.. if you feel like talking, do drop me a message".. i kinda feel very relieved.. like a burden is off my shoulder.. he really was there for me.. he was truly a good fren.. its sad that things ended between us.. but i do cherish the good times we had.. he was someone i could talk to about almost anything.. a best fren.. i do wish i can have him back as a fren.. but i wonder if things will be the same..

vinodth and the guys are like family to me.. they are very close to my heart.. but i never talked to them about my feelings.. i neve felt like i could.. i am more like one of the guys.. and guys dont share emotions and feeling you see.. and i dont think they are the kind to do it.. its sad but its a good thing too.. coz i neve have to feel judged or feel exposed..

i get that feeling sometimes and towards a certain people.. if i open up myself to them, i feel very vulnerable and nude.. like an open book.. which i dont like.. so i only share my deepest feelings towards very handful of people.. and they are haruna and used to be shanker.. i feel like i can totally be myself towards them.. without having the feeling of being judged or misunderstood.. they just know me so well.. i feel like it is just easy to talk to them without explaining to them in detail about each thing.. i am very very grateful i have and had them in my life.. if only shanker talks to me again.. if only we can jus laugh about the whole thing and jus put all that behind us and be how we used to be.. if only..

i realise that i have changed alot.. the way i think to be precise.. i dont know if its the age, or the people i have met that have changed me.. but when i think about the past.. even jus the past few years, i realise i have made alot of dumb decisions and i have handled things very badly.. i have made alot of right choices in my life but the way i carried them out was not right.. the way i have spoken to people, the way i was jus ready to throw things away without thinking how it might have affected the other person.. i have been very selfish.. i did not treasure the things i had and i was so set in my ways.. i had a vision of my perfect life.. and if something did not go according to my "plan" than i just got rid of it.. it might have been the right thing to do according to some people but i dont think i was right.. what is life without the people who helped you through your life.. even if they have done the smallest thing to change your life for the better, they are important.. and shanker was one of those people.. how could i have blamed him entirely for feeling such things towards me.. its not something you can control fully.. i have lots of stupid emotions too..

shakthee shakthee.. i feel disappointed in myself.. alot.. but i hope making these amendments now will lead me in the right direction and make right all the wrongs i have done..

had a long chat with my sis yesterday.. it was a very random chat.. i have no idea how the topic came about in the first place.. but anyways i felt so much better after that..

the gist of the conversation was basically that i can get whatever i want.. i am 23, an age where i have to make tough decisions and its difficult.. especially when it come to love life.. i would see my frenz around me getting engaged and married it its gotta be difficult for me.. but i can chose what i want.. this feelings that i am getting about ismail is perfectly normal.. but i have to think if is he what i want? love is not the only thing which can sustain a marriage.. and i have seen that on many occasions.. if there is even one thing that i utterly cannot stand about my partner, than its clear that he is not the right one for me.. life is not all about giving in.. its jus part of it.. so why make my life difficult for myself by choosing the wrong person.. if i believe that there is someone perfect for you out there, than i will jus have to wait and get it.. instead of settling for something which is clearly not going to work out..

there was a reason why i broke up with ismail and even though i cant completely remember it, i made a choice.. it was a good one.. why doubt my choice.. instead of repeating the same mistake, and feeling stupid about it afterwords, jus don make the mistake..

but you see i know all these.. i felt way better today when i woke up.. i told myself "fine you have sent the message, whatever he is gonna reply, he will but i am not going to jus think about it and waste my life".. soooo i am not going to think abt it.. like as if thatz gonna happen.. but i am definitely going to try.. i do want a perfect life.. a perfect partner and i will find it.. i am not going to deprive myself of love just because i got left behind once.. i deserve the happiness and bloody hell i am gonna get it..

well guess what.. today my sis and i were in the car on the way to the train station in the morning.. we were quiet as usual.. its early in the morning and we are usually too lazy to talk.. but today my sis looked at me through the rear view mirror and said "can i ask you something, you dont have to reply me or say anything" i was a little puzzled and said yea sure.. she told me that my brother in law, my cousin and she, all three of them thought that there was something wrong with me since i came back from singapore.. she said that i look happy but not really happy.. as in i look happy on the outside but its quite clear that i am not happy in the inside.. and they feel as if i have left someone back at home..

i was a little taken back coz i seriously didnt realize that they could actually see it in my face.. i have been feeling down since i came back.. well coz of ismail.. but i thought i was pretty normal on the outside..

did i really send out such vibes.. to the extend that people around me could feel it?? thatz a little creepy.. am i that bad at concealing my emotions..? damn.. but than she told me that i am still young and nothing is written on stone.. i can always do what i want..

than it got me thinking about ismail the whole day.. i was so absent minded that i forgot my tuition class for one of my subjects.. that annoyed me even more.. why the hell was i being like this? thinking about him is one thing, but forgetting my class, that i cant accept.. i was irritated with myself.. ALOT!!!!

i caaught myself thinking about him again during my lecture.. and that was it.. i told myself NO.. i am not gonna forsake my studies because i cant control my stupid thoughts.. and amazingly i sat through the whole lecture and all the classes that followed with full attention.. i came back home with such a happy feeling.. like i achieved something..

now when i think abt ismail, i dont have a sick feeling in my stomach.. but a very happy feeling.. excitement.. like i cant wait to talk to him over the phone kinda feeling.. i mean its way better than feeling sucky right..

i dont know what i am doing but i am doing it.. i dont know where this is gonna end but i am still doing it.. i know haruna is gonna disown me... but i am still doing it.. hoping that she wont.. hehe.. but i want to do this.. i want to get this nagging feeling off my chest.. i need to try at least.. i know that even if i forget abt him within a month, this feeling is definitely going to return.. maybe in another few years time.. who knows.. but by than, things might be too late.. and i dont want to live with this feeling like i have some unfinished business for the rest of my life.. that truly would drive me insane..

who knows, maybe ismail was the frog who turned into prince charming..

emotions are over -rated

wow.. its been almost 4 yrs.. i am back... its just that i have been feeling some things lately and my dear fren haruna told me to write again.. well after much scolding of coz..

i wonder if ismail still visits this page.. i really doubt it.. coz its been sooo long.. but if he does, i mean if you do than i have some things i wanna tell you.. firstly DONT YOU CHECK YOUR FRIGGIN FACEBOOK!!!!!!!! i am dying here everyday waiting for your response..

i want to tell you some things, ask you... well ask you if you really loved me.. i know its stupid but i need to know.. i really did.. i really do.. i am still in love with you.. i still have strong feelings for you.. haruna: please don kill me.. i am jus writing my thoughts.. :)

why did i send him that message? what was i expecting him to reply? what was i going to reply me if he did say he loves me still? what will happen to titus? is that considered cheating?

here i have this wonderful guy, titus.. he has loved me and cherished me and neve hurt me.. but to tell you the truth, i didnt love titus to begin with.. initially. he did like me but we got into a relationship over a kiss.. but i was on the rebound.. i didnt know how to tell him no.. so i told him that we will see how things go.. i thought he will break up with me eventually.. but time has passed and its gonna be 2 yrs.. excluding the break period.. but now i know that he will never leave me.. he loves me to bits.. but the bitch that i am being, i am gonna tell the truth.. i do not love him the same way he does.. i love him, i care for him but not as much as he does.. not as much as how much i love and care for ismail.. or did.. to me i think that it is very unfair for titus.. he does not deserve this..

on serveral occasions, i have thought that i am too good for titus.. that i deserve better than him as my life partner.. heck even his family members think so.. just becoz i am more educated, better living standards, better status.. but to tell you the truth, does all these make a person better.. i don think so.. titus derservess a better person.. he deserves someone who can return him the love that he is endlessly pouring on me.. he deserves someone who can love him wholeheartedly.. i know i dont.. how can i when i am constantly thinking about ismail..

on the other hand, how can i not think abt ismail.. he was my first bf.. my first love.. i gave him everything.. but he treated me like shit.. he did to me what i am doing to titus.. i have been very mean to him and that is not right.. coz i am just being an ismail to titus.. but to think abt it, all the bad things ismail has done to me does not matter anymore.. becoz i feel like the happiness he gave me was more.. our first kiss, his fav desert, our song.. the way my heart raced each time we hugged.. is it wrong to want them back.. is it wrong to think abt him.. but wad he did to me was bad.. why did he have to lie to me? did he not love me? i dont know... but i want to know..

i have been thinking abt this quite recently.. what is happiness.. yes you have your dream job, dream house, close frenz and family, rich life.. but what abt love? can you truly find happiness without love? wont you get lonely? but wad if love means giving up on all the stuff mentioned above except for family.. will that give you happiness.. if you cant have both, than how will you be truly happy? why live? than again you might think i will find someone else, but wad if the someone neve comes? wad if your price charming never came? what then? you would have thrown away the love you has thinking that you are gonna get a better one, to find out you never do... you just threw away your prince charming...

see i dont wanna be those ppl who always think abt someone else after marriage.. that is totally wrong.. and i dont wanna sit down one day and think how it would have been if i had done something.. it might turn out bad or good, but at least i gave it a shot.. i did something now so that in the future i am not gonna regret not doing or saying anything.. life is short.. i might die tomorrow.. i don wanna regret anything on my deathbed.. like dying isnt gonna be depressing enough..

i am just ranting what i am feeling over here.. to think abt it, i dont have a conclusion.. in the end, i dont know what i want.. i dont know what gives me happiness.. life is not a movie to see it all work out in the end.. i have to make things work out in the end.. i have to give myself a happy ending.. but currently i don know what it is..

i read through my previous posts.. i have said some childish things, stupid things and also i have shared with you the happiness.. that is most important thing in the end.. happiness.. i really hope i will get a reply from it soon.. i feel like my happiness lies with ismail.. i might be stupidly wrong.. but no harm trying.. he might be bad news, i might be just repeating history, but at least it was worth an effort.. at least i can move on.. things just ended so abruptly with him.. maybe its a closure that i need.. i dont know.. but i have a feeling i am going to find out soon.. well what have i got to loose right.. no point being egoistic in life.. that brings you no where.. and i kinda learnt it the hard way..