“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

when in need of serious help

sometimes issues will pick the worst moments to pop up in my life.. so many things will happen at the same time.. sometimes in times like this, you will look for someone whom you can talk to.. all you need is that one person to listen to you and give you solutions.. 

i have tons of friends.. heaps.. but the funny thing is that, when i think of someone to talk to, someone to cry to, someone who would give me ideas or solutions to my issues, i can think of so few.. less than 5 maybe.. the sad part is that if i do call, some will say things like "you call me when you need something, if not you will forget me".. you see, its not like that.. this usually happens when i go back to sg.. i have very little time.. and i usually plan most of my days ahead so that i can make full use of the time i have in sg.. and well lets face it, i am jus a student who is in sg for my holidays.. i don have much cash in my hands.. all, well most of them are working so when they are out, they will suggest places which needs money.. sooooo i don meet them.. if i say this, will they understand? nah i doubt it.. 

and than there is titus, well he is not really a person i would go to for my problems.. he is a very good listener.. but not a person to give advice AT ALL... he will try and crack some lame ass joke to make me laugh and it will jus irritate the shit out of me coz well, its not the friggin time for it.. i am not jus upset abt something.. i need some advice.. but he doesnt get it.. he is not a give solutions kinda person.. 

the best person to talk to, kalei, well she has so much problems of her own, i would neve wanna burden her with mine... kalei and i take the meaning of best friends to a whole new level.. not only is our character alike, we tend to have the same kinda problems with guys..

and than there are the guys, well i dont tell them any of my problems so it will jus be too awkward.. i neve had the need to tell them my problems becoz firstly they are guys.. they don really talk abt their problems and secondly, they always make me laugh when i am down so i am kinda neve sad when i am with them.. 

shanker, he is busy with ns and dinesh.... well dinesh is not really a solution giver and also he will neve talk to me coz he hates me and i think he made that pretty clear....but he says i give really good advices and solutions.. when i tell him my problem.. oh brother, he gets affected by them and a few days later, he will tell you that he is confused becoz of your problem and voila, you jus got yourself more problems.. i guess there it is.. i am there for everyone.. so many ppl depend on me for something.. but what abt me? wad if i need someone to depend on.. let me correct that.. i need someone to depend on.. if i am the whole package for ppl ( guys who date me) than is there anything wrong in me finding for the same thing? i am the guy in a relationship, i am the gal in the relationship.. than wad the hell are you for?? so is there anything wrong when i expect a guy who is double the guy? someone who can dominate and take me under control (when needed)? anyone has what it takes to tame a wild horse?

don even get me started on ismail... i will start telling him something and the next thing you know, i will be consoling him for his petty problems and i will be wondering, how and when in the world did we start talkin abt you? so with him, its always abt him..

do i need it? no.. its not that i cant handle it.. sometimes when things get too overwhelming, its exhausting to be all alone in it.. talking to that one person whom you know will be there for you, take heaps off the burden on your shoulder.. i guess its jus me and you eh blog.. i guess it helps me a little to write down all these.. kinda like i am talkin to someone abt it right.. its like a math problem.. you try and try to solve it in your head and things jus get more and more confusing.. you don have to ask someone abt it but all it take is for you to write them down..the moment you write it down, suddenly it starts looking clearer to you.. solve one part at a time and your solution is right there.. jus have to take one step at a time.. i try my best to not think too much abt it.. worry too much.. its not like i can do anything abt it being here in aus.. i jus have to pray and hope.. pray for guidance and pray to god to be there for my family when i cant be there for them.. i know he hears me.. he always does.. things always work out well in the end.. jus becoz the process to it is a little rough, does not mean he is not there for you, holding your hand all the way.. 

cheer up shakthee.. everything is gonna be alright.. don worry abt things which are not in your control.. everything that has led up to now is due to your actions.. your choices and decisions.. don regret and wonder why he is behaving like this or that.. this is wad you chose.. suck it up and get through this.. feel wadever you wanna feel.. doesnt matter how shitty you feel.. as long as you don hurt another person again and as long as the wounds you have caused on someone heals and they move on.. do wad you have to do to get through it.. in the end, nothing lasts.. we are jus temporary beings in this temporary world.. ultimate happiness awaits..

wondering mind

the moments spent in utter loneliness are the worst.. so many things running through your head.. thoughts which you keep suppressing jus creeps its way into your mind.. no matter how much you try to distract yourself, it always finds its way.. and the moment it enters your head, it jus clings on and never allows you to be at peace.. well this is my moment now..

its been two weeks of living alone.. heart breaking... a week back, had a long chat with my sis until 6am.. made me question so much abt love, life, marriage especially.. 

as the youngest child/cousin in the family, well not including renu, coz she is too young, i have had the opportunity to learn alot from my cousins and family members.. the mistakes they have done, the things they have done right.. and i have seen alot.. its sad at times.. why wasnt there anyone to help them? teach them? guide them? as how they have made a difference in my life.. it has made me think abt what a marriage is all abt..is it enough to just love a person? i doubt it.. you have to not only love the person, but the family as well.. love aside, respect is very crucial.. wads the point in loving someone when you dont respect them? take them for granted? and is money all that matters? i guess its not jus one aspect or the other.. its bits of everything.. its like a really good curry (sorry for the association of curry but my room-mate is cooking something yummy and i am starving), its not jus one ingredient which predominates, its a little of everything.. and you have to ensure there is a balance of everything.. too much salt or too much chili will ruin the taste of it..

and than with all these thoughts lingering in my head, the guys in my life are not making it any easier for me.. or to put it into better words, i am not making it easy on myself becoz of the guys in my life.. there was something which i came across which i thought was jus so perfect.. " don hurt someone's feelings becoz you are confused abt your own"... i have done it soo much.. 

i used to remember very vaguely the times where i loved myself.. loved my life.. loved how i turned out given the things that has happened in my life since i was young.. but now that feeling seems like a distant memory.. i cant seem to remember how it felt to love myself.. frankly, i hate who i am.. who i have become.. a selfish person who is very confused abt myself.. 

but than i wonder, when you have fallen in love with someone, how do you not feel anything for them even if it has been years? and is it wrong to not fall in love again? so does it mean that it is normal to be in love with more than one person at a time? if this is so, than why does everyone say its wrong? why has it always been portrayed as this is something extremely wrong? why has our mind been conditioned in this manner? yes i loved ismail.. love jus doesnt go away.. its something you felt once.. truly, deeply.. there is nothing wrong in that.. he was not right for me, i fell in love with someone else.. yes i love titus as well, truly.. and things were not really working out.. than i found dinesh.. this perfect person.. but in person, he turned out so different.. he became someone i didnt recognise.. whenever i was with him, i felt like we were strangers.. but whenever i see him online or his status on fb, he is like the most perfect person for me.. why? why is this so? 

and fine, ismail has a gf.. i get it.. i tried moving away.. he kept clinging on and somehow managed to come into my life again.. no matter how many times i try to explain why he cant say things like i love you and stuff, he doesnt understand.. fine if he wants me in his life, i will, but jus as a fren.. i have told him a million times.. is it easy for me? no! not at all.. he was special to me.. in 19 yrs of my life, since i was in sec sch, there have been many guys after me.. yes i have liked one or two of those guys as well, but none of them were special enough for me to want to be with them and spend the rest of my life with them.. but ismail was someone special.. i chose him.. out of all the guys, i finally chose him.. the feelings i had for him were that special.. i loved him.. how can i jus say i dont feel it anymore? isnt it stupid to say such a thing? we fight with our parents, we stop talkin to them for years maybe, but will you say that you don love them anymore? no.. love is something which doesnt go away.. we jus forget the reasons why we fell in love with them in the first place.. so its torturous when ismail sends me songs and tells me things which he should not.. it kills me inside to act as if i dont feel anything.. and than he says hurtful things like, my heart is made of stone.. he is really a piece of work.. he is one person who can make me love and hurt me the most at the same time.. 

in all these years that i have known titus, i have only felt his love.. i have hurt him alot, yes but he has neve hurt me.. not that i can remember.. so why cant i love him as much as he does? think of him as the world and be willing to even sacrifice my life for him kinda love? has the experience with ismail really changed me? has it really made it into a person of stone heart? has it made me put up a shield so that i don get hurt by anyone else? i dont understand.. i try and try to sort out my feelings, understand them, but i cant.. i cant find a good reason for my feelings.. i cant find a logical reason for my feelings.. every night, spending hours trying to figure out a way to sort everything out.. get a peace of mind.. but i cant.. 

and this has made me come to a conclusion.. bottom line is i don deserve love.. i keep hurting the ones who love and care for me the most.. do they deserve that? no.. absolutely not.. wad wrong have they done? to love me.. thats all.. so i am jus gonna push them all away.. and by that i dont mean stop talkin to them.. but jus not date or get into a relationship back with any of them.. and oh please, not even thinking abt bringing anyone new into the mess i already am in.. marriage? overrated.. love? even over rated.. friends, money, family and lots of booze.. the secret to happiness.. 

I wish you can read this

Dear ismail,

well its been a few days since you talked to me.. our last convesation was when you asked me if i would choose you or titus if you were single and i said titus.. you didnt hear the reasons i had to say.. i stopped talking to you months ago, when i was talking to dinesh.. well, that went down the drain.. but anyways you vibered me when i was in sg, and i picked up before i realised it was you calling.. so from than on we talked over the phone and we met up a couple of times.. you hugged me.. and than there was the day me you and justin overnighted in your house.. things went a little out of hand first when you were screaming at me initially.. i saw the old ismail.. it kinda felt like dejavu.. us fighting.. you walking away, banging on things.. but instead of sajeev being around, there was justin.. anywayss we talked and let our emotions out.. you cried, i cried.. it felt bette after that.. we kinda let everything out.. and yes the tears i shed were you were true.. they were from deep down in my heart.. i felt everything.. but than i wipedd them off and came back to reality.. you have a gf.. and even if you dont, things will neve work out between us.. i remember the reasons why i broke up with you now.. and it will be stupid if we make the same mistake again.. yes you have changed for the bette and i have too.. but at certain times, i do see the old ismail in you.. maybe its just me.. maybe i bring out the bad side in you... i dont know.. when you broke up with your gf and called me up to tell me, did you really think i would be happy?? no.. i was not.. and i knew you would go back to her the next day or a few days later.. i even told you that.. but you told be with so much certainty that you wouldnt.. wad happened the next day? didnt you go back to her.. the reason why i chose titus is very simple.. he waited for me..yes be it many years, he still waited for me.. you told me that you waited for me, for a year but i waas with titus.. its becoz your friends were horrible.. did any one of them tried talkin to me? no.. the only person whom i trusted was sajeev and wad did he do? he cooked up stories abt you and told me and drove me further away from you... but that was not the case with titus.. his friends who were my friends, still kept contact with me.. they held on.. i held on.. although i cut all contacts with titus, there was always a possibility of us talking again which were created by his friends.. they were his true friends.. i treated titus worst than i ever did to you.. you treated me worst than any guy had treated me.. yes you still loved me.. you made me very happy, at the same time, you made me cry so much... if you say that you really still love me and want to be with me, wad are you doing with your gf? shouldnt you have broken up with her and come to me... i am not saying you should.. i am saying that, thatz how it works.. you dont have a gf, and at the same time tell me that you love me and that once you are single (which according to you, will happen soon) and than come to me.. i am not your backup plan or your gf isnt your satey net.. thatz not how love works.. you be with someone becoz you love them and want to be with them.. the reason why i chose titus is that simple.. he too has many gals coming after him.. even now he is talking to a few gals who constantly want to date him.. but is he dating them while waiting for me to make up my mind? no.. becoz the only person he waants to be with is me... thatz called love.. well.. you have stopped talking to me.. thatz good i guess.. now probably you can move on becoz i already have.. i have had my closure.. maybe now you can be sincere to your gf.. well all the best.. and i hope you dont do this again.. :)

yours once upon a time,

Shakthee