wondering mind

the moments spent in utter loneliness are the worst.. so many things running through your head.. thoughts which you keep suppressing jus creeps its way into your mind.. no matter how much you try to distract yourself, it always finds its way.. and the moment it enters your head, it jus clings on and never allows you to be at peace.. well this is my moment now..

its been two weeks of living alone.. heart breaking... a week back, had a long chat with my sis until 6am.. made me question so much abt love, life, marriage especially.. 

as the youngest child/cousin in the family, well not including renu, coz she is too young, i have had the opportunity to learn alot from my cousins and family members.. the mistakes they have done, the things they have done right.. and i have seen alot.. its sad at times.. why wasnt there anyone to help them? teach them? guide them? as how they have made a difference in my life.. it has made me think abt what a marriage is all abt..is it enough to just love a person? i doubt it.. you have to not only love the person, but the family as well.. love aside, respect is very crucial.. wads the point in loving someone when you dont respect them? take them for granted? and is money all that matters? i guess its not jus one aspect or the other.. its bits of everything.. its like a really good curry (sorry for the association of curry but my room-mate is cooking something yummy and i am starving), its not jus one ingredient which predominates, its a little of everything.. and you have to ensure there is a balance of everything.. too much salt or too much chili will ruin the taste of it..

and than with all these thoughts lingering in my head, the guys in my life are not making it any easier for me.. or to put it into better words, i am not making it easy on myself becoz of the guys in my life.. there was something which i came across which i thought was jus so perfect.. " don hurt someone's feelings becoz you are confused abt your own"... i have done it soo much.. 

i used to remember very vaguely the times where i loved myself.. loved my life.. loved how i turned out given the things that has happened in my life since i was young.. but now that feeling seems like a distant memory.. i cant seem to remember how it felt to love myself.. frankly, i hate who i am.. who i have become.. a selfish person who is very confused abt myself.. 

but than i wonder, when you have fallen in love with someone, how do you not feel anything for them even if it has been years? and is it wrong to not fall in love again? so does it mean that it is normal to be in love with more than one person at a time? if this is so, than why does everyone say its wrong? why has it always been portrayed as this is something extremely wrong? why has our mind been conditioned in this manner? yes i loved ismail.. love jus doesnt go away.. its something you felt once.. truly, deeply.. there is nothing wrong in that.. he was not right for me, i fell in love with someone else.. yes i love titus as well, truly.. and things were not really working out.. than i found dinesh.. this perfect person.. but in person, he turned out so different.. he became someone i didnt recognise.. whenever i was with him, i felt like we were strangers.. but whenever i see him online or his status on fb, he is like the most perfect person for me.. why? why is this so? 

and fine, ismail has a gf.. i get it.. i tried moving away.. he kept clinging on and somehow managed to come into my life again.. no matter how many times i try to explain why he cant say things like i love you and stuff, he doesnt understand.. fine if he wants me in his life, i will, but jus as a fren.. i have told him a million times.. is it easy for me? no! not at all.. he was special to me.. in 19 yrs of my life, since i was in sec sch, there have been many guys after me.. yes i have liked one or two of those guys as well, but none of them were special enough for me to want to be with them and spend the rest of my life with them.. but ismail was someone special.. i chose him.. out of all the guys, i finally chose him.. the feelings i had for him were that special.. i loved him.. how can i jus say i dont feel it anymore? isnt it stupid to say such a thing? we fight with our parents, we stop talkin to them for years maybe, but will you say that you don love them anymore? no.. love is something which doesnt go away.. we jus forget the reasons why we fell in love with them in the first place.. so its torturous when ismail sends me songs and tells me things which he should not.. it kills me inside to act as if i dont feel anything.. and than he says hurtful things like, my heart is made of stone.. he is really a piece of work.. he is one person who can make me love and hurt me the most at the same time.. 

in all these years that i have known titus, i have only felt his love.. i have hurt him alot, yes but he has neve hurt me.. not that i can remember.. so why cant i love him as much as he does? think of him as the world and be willing to even sacrifice my life for him kinda love? has the experience with ismail really changed me? has it really made it into a person of stone heart? has it made me put up a shield so that i don get hurt by anyone else? i dont understand.. i try and try to sort out my feelings, understand them, but i cant.. i cant find a good reason for my feelings.. i cant find a logical reason for my feelings.. every night, spending hours trying to figure out a way to sort everything out.. get a peace of mind.. but i cant.. 

and this has made me come to a conclusion.. bottom line is i don deserve love.. i keep hurting the ones who love and care for me the most.. do they deserve that? no.. absolutely not.. wad wrong have they done? to love me.. thats all.. so i am jus gonna push them all away.. and by that i dont mean stop talkin to them.. but jus not date or get into a relationship back with any of them.. and oh please, not even thinking abt bringing anyone new into the mess i already am in.. marriage? overrated.. love? even over rated.. friends, money, family and lots of booze.. the secret to happiness..