break time!!!

i am taking a mini break from alllll the studying i have been doing for the past 20 mins.. hahaha *kicks myself*... studying for my tue paper.. for physics!!!!! and its not like the sec sch physics.. like that was any easy.. its more advanced and its kinda killing me.. although its quite nice doing math again.. yes i love math.. but the reason for this post is actually... ermmm nothing actually.. jus thought i will do something other than stare at my facebook..

oh yea i talked to bear on friday.. well i jus asked him randomly.. i asked if he liked me.. he asked why i am asking all of a sudden and i kinda used my brother in law's name.. saying that he messed with my head saying that guys dont spend soo much time talking to a gal if he does not like her.. but he said no.. he said he does have mixed feelings but he isnt sure how he feels.. he asked me if i liked him and i said no.. not in that way.. although he is a really nice guy.. i told him that i need time to get my own feelings sorted out before i can like any guy.. 

feel much better now.. i just dont want to lead anyone on than feel shitty abt it later on.. its better to just get things out of the way and let him know that i am not emotionally available now.. i am trying not to make silly mistakes anymore.. 

nothing much really.. jus busy with studying.. locked up in my room.. staring at the outside world through my window.. 

oh yea and i am hoping to quit smoking soon.. yes yes i have been saying this for a looonnnggg time but i really want to.. the problem is that the moment exams are near, i jus feel like i have to smoke in between studying.. its my zen moment.. the 10 most peaceful mins i get with myself, my own thoughts.. you know.. like how it is for some people when they take a dump.. i dont know how i am going to quit.. but i will really try.. i am not gonna buy a pack after i finish my current pack of cigs... makes me nervous jus thinking abt going without smoking..

i think the first time i attempted to quit was when i was with ismail.. we made a pact to quit together.. hehe i influenced him to smoke again on the 2nd day.. mean girl.. i wonder if he still smokes.. 

i think i should jus dedicate this blog to ismail.. almost every post of mine has something abt him.. -_-

haunting memories

welllllllllll april 12th.. this date might not mean much to anyone.. this was the date i got into a relationship with ismail 4 yrs back.. if we were still together, we would be celebrating our 4 yr anniversary.. but we are not.. so its just another date which hold much memories.. this was the day when i got my first kiss.. a proper one.. with whom i shared feelings with.. i still can remember.. well like they say, girls dont forget their first kiss.. it was in a park.. i dont know the name of the park coz we were jus walking for hours and ended up somewhere but i know it was in either ang mo kio or yishun.. it was a huge park.. filled with trees.. we were walking beside each other.. it was full moon.. i remember that becoz we were talking abt how beautiful it was.. it was right above us.. he was wearing a cap and i took it away.. he kept asking and i said no.. yes yes it was childish of me but hey i was just 19.. anyways he came towards to to take it.. our faces was just centimeters away and than it happened..our eyes were locked and he leaned in and kissed me.. it was a very quick one.. but it jus seemed to go on forever.. it was like the perfect kiss.. and i was blushing.. hahahah yes i know me? blushing? but yea i didnt even look at his face for the next 10 mins and i jus kept looking down smiling.. he got worried and asked if he did anything wrong.. i looked at him and jus smiled.. and he smiled back at me.. that smile.. that wonderful smile that i love.. that jus melts my heart.. and he grabbed hold of my hand and it was just perfect.. 

one thing i love abt him was that he was very spontaneous.. he knew the right moments.. and he just did things which a girl loves.. like in the movies.. that was wad i really miss.. the moments when you are admiring the lake and he jus hugs you from the back and whispers in your ear that he loves you and the moments when you are enjoying the rain and catch him staring at you in wonder instead.. the cheeky smile he gives when he realizes he had made you blush.. the times he jus grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed it assuring me that nothing will happen to me when i am just screaming at him.. even when he have the worst fights, at the end of the day, he still said the perfect thing which made you feel like everything is going to be alright.. 

there was once when we had one of our bad fights.. i cant remember what it was.. he were on our way to watch dark knight.. and i jus couldnt take it and i ran off crying.. i actually jus ran up one of the blocks coz i wanted to be alone.. and the next thing i knew he was calling me and calling out my name in panic.. after abt 10 mins when i was calm enough, i went down and found him sitting on the bench nearby holding his head on his knees.. i went beside him thinking he was gonna scream at me for running off like that.. but he looked at me.. his eyes were wet.. it just broke my heart.. he held my hand and told me how sorry he was and he wouldnt know wad to do if i leave him.. 

you see i dont know if he jus knew wad to say to a girl or if he actually meant it.. but either way, it never failed to touch my heart.. he had that "gift".. the one which all gals hope their boyfren would have.. 

but of coz we have had the worst fights too.. that was wad lead to the break up.. but who cares abt those things when you can just think abt the happy moments..

titus was always there for me.. no doubt.. but he could never make my heart skip a beat or he could never do things which just makes my knee feel like jelly.. but he was always there for me..

well haruna, if you are reading this, i think i deserve a slap right now..

zone away

aahhh seriously.. one thing which i seriously appreciate abt singapore.. EX LINK CARDS!!!! bloody hell twice i got stuck in human traffic becoz of the friggin faulty ticket i got issued today.. at central station somemore.. got through with the '1 ticket 2 people' move.. thanks to the lady behind me.. but its was more of she didnt have a choice.. hahah so kanchiong already put in the ticket before i could go out the other way.. seriously why cant they have friggin ex link card system here.. where the trains are always packed.. it will make life sooo much easier and everyone would travel more efficiently.. no more annoying rude train officers waking you up when you are sleeping in the train.. no more queing up for sooooo looonnnggg to buy ticket every morning, especially monday mornings.. and no more jam at the exit and entry points.. damn..

secondly.. i have decided to take out my lip piercing.. FOR GOOD!!! i decided it yesterday.. have no idea why suddenly but i just thought after 6 long years, i need a change.. the piercing has been with me through out the most dramatic times in my life.. and i feel like i need a fresh start.. i dont know how removing the piercing is gonna help me.. but i feel like its a much needed change.. something different in my face.. i sign that i am an adult now.. no time for silly things in my life.. something like that.. i actually feel much better.. like i have given up something old and unwanted in my life.. my poor ring is locked away in my drawer.. a new me..

and one more thing.. i have been talking to bear everyday since i came here.. bear is my poly fren.. shanker's fren actually who got introduced to me.. he used to like me.. he told me that he likes me on 2009 new year when i told him that i was spending it with my boyfren titus.. he said something like oh no, i have missed my chance.. coz i kinda liked you.. something like that.. i cant remember exactly.. i kept that message in my old hp before it got stolen.. :( but anyways i have been in contact with him all these yrs and we have grown quite close since i came here.. he is a very very nice guy.. sweet, caring, tall but a yr younger... haha anyways thatz not the point.. the point is i think he likes me.. again or still.. not sure.. i neve asked.. but i can see it in the way he talks to me.. yesterday he said he wanted to marry me and i said yea if he dares come alone and talk to my family abt it i will marry him.. thinking that he was joking.. but i am not sure anymore.. i feel weird asking him if he does like me.. i mean thatz gonna be soo weird.. how do i even ask.. but i dont have such feeling towards him.. i have no idea why.. he is a perfectly nice guy yet i dont like him in that way while i pine over idiots.. wad am i to do with myself.. anyway i should ask him.. soon.. i don wan to make him uncomfortable or make things weird between us.. it has been so nice talking to him.. makes me feel at home.. like i am not alone.. like someone cares for me afterall.. but i shouldnt lead him on.. that is if he does like me.. i should tell him.. soon soon..

it was so nice to jus zone out in the mornings.. in the train, cold breeze on your face, listening to slow songs.. jus lovely.. thought abt ismail here and there but it was not the overwhelming feeling.. i think i am over that now.. its jus nice thinking abt the future.. how i want it to be.. my perfect life.. its gonna be awesome.. i can feel it.. its gonna be just like how i want it to be.. no more nonsense.. everything will fall into place.. yes it will..

MY FUTURE HOME!!!!!

the view i want to wake up to every morning.. simple yet beautiful.. my dream home...