consequences?? haha bitch please..

yello yello.. hmmm nothing much been happening.. the same old fb stalking.. heheh...

there is this guy, jaiganesh.. my fb friend.. i have no idea when i accepted his fren request.. but anyways we have been talking for quite some time now.. since last yr.. but only this yr did we start chatting quite alot.. coz i am always on fb and he is always on fb and i am always bored.. hahaha.. but anyways he said he had alot of free credit for international calls and asked me if i mind talking on the phone.. the thing is that usually i would have said no.. i dont give out my number like that.. especially when i already have a "boyfren" but i have no idea why, i us gave him.. i only realised what i had done after we were on the phone for abt 30 mins.. but the weird thing is that i didnt feel guilty... i didnt feel like i am cheating on titus.. well firstly becoz i dont even feel like i have a bf.. i keep forgetting that i have a bf.. -_- and secondly, i have forgotten the meaning of consequences.. hehehe... i think like haruna said, i am jus too daring coz i am all the way here and i know that no one can do anything.. 

hehehe.. but anyways its not like there is anything romantic going on between me and this guy.. i am jus his past time and he is mine.. it quite boring talkin to him anyways.. i usually catch myself stoning or doing something else when i am talking to him and jus replying to him "yea, yea,, really? oh i see".. hehehe.. 

titus.. haizz dont know what to do with him.. i think he called me the day before yesterday.. totally ccant remember.. i think he is losing his "undying love" as well.. i mean usually he is super clingy and stuff but this time around he rarely calls me. i mean don be mistaken, i am NOT sad abt at all.. in fact i am very very relieved.. he can be quite a handful at times.. and i really hopes he jus loses his feelings.. seriously.. it will make me feel so much better.. and def less guilty.. 

ISMAIL!!!! when are you gonna check your facebook.. haizz.. this is sooo boring i tell ya.. like it jus sucks waiting.. why can he friggin be an active user right.. like what else does he have better to do?? fight for world peace?? free spore from the clutches of evil??? resolve poverty?? what!?!?!?!? check check the damn thing already.. and give me a reply.. a good one.. something i would like.. heheheh... but really check it..

day 3 of smoke free lungs.. feel like going crazy.. feeling very anxious.. i keep looking at the backyard and thinking how nice it would be to jus stand there and have a smoke.. jus one cig is all i ask.. than i keep thinking abt where to get that one stick.. than i think abt all the cig butts i have thrown out and wondering would it be too pathetic if i try and find one with a little bit more to smoke.. than i tell myself its TOO pathetic.. i need chocolate man.. i need my ben & jerrys ice cream.. they don have it here.. damn!!!!... like something is missing from my life.. haizzz

as much as i keep thinking abt jus buying one more pack of cigs, i wonder if i do buy it and smoke again, when will the next time i will quit?? i am 23, i am not a young punk anymore.. i need to stop smoking.. its not something i want to continue for the rest of my life.. and if i tell myself that i will wait till i get a bf and he will help me quit.. than i am just kidding myself coz if i cant help myself, who can help me??? and if i want a bf who does not smoke, than i too have to quit right.. thatz the fair thing to do..

so thanks to this random rambling of thoughts which does not really make sense even to myself, i am back on track.. i am not gonna lose the battle today.. not today..

huff and puff

its a brand new day!!! the sun is shinning, the birds are chirping.. i feel so much healthier that i have decided to stop smoking.. well this is probably what i would like to say..

i quit smoking today.. going cold turkey.. i think its time for me to give up the habit.. i feel like my skin looks bad, i feel unhealthy and my gums are receding too much.. i had recurring nightmares of my teeth falling out and its jus freaking me out.. 

today was the first day.. 30 mins after i woke up, i started craving for cig.. i just keep thinking abt going down to the shop and getting a pack.. but it was raining soo terribly.. non stop the whole friggin day.. so i guess that stopped me from leaving the house.. maybe nature was on my side.. hehe 

well i have successfully gone through 3/4 of the day without smoking.. so thatz a good sign.. jus have to continue this battle.. 

by the way ismail's fren kaartik replied my message.. oh yea his post suddenly appeared on my wall and i realized he was ismail's fren after seeing ismail's pic in his profile.. anyway i jus messaged him asking if he was ismail's fren.. he replied me yea and that he remembers be, being ismail's ex and all and asked if i would be interested to talk to him.. as frenz.. but i kept asking a few questions abt ismail, like wad he is doing now and stuff and i think the guy got irritated and jus said okie tc.. hahaha.. well i hope this news goes into ismail's ears.. maybe than he might check his fb.. aahhhh check it damn you.. 

break time!!!

i am taking a mini break from alllll the studying i have been doing for the past 20 mins.. hahaha *kicks myself*... studying for my tue paper.. for physics!!!!! and its not like the sec sch physics.. like that was any easy.. its more advanced and its kinda killing me.. although its quite nice doing math again.. yes i love math.. but the reason for this post is actually... ermmm nothing actually.. jus thought i will do something other than stare at my facebook..

oh yea i talked to bear on friday.. well i jus asked him randomly.. i asked if he liked me.. he asked why i am asking all of a sudden and i kinda used my brother in law's name.. saying that he messed with my head saying that guys dont spend soo much time talking to a gal if he does not like her.. but he said no.. he said he does have mixed feelings but he isnt sure how he feels.. he asked me if i liked him and i said no.. not in that way.. although he is a really nice guy.. i told him that i need time to get my own feelings sorted out before i can like any guy.. 

feel much better now.. i just dont want to lead anyone on than feel shitty abt it later on.. its better to just get things out of the way and let him know that i am not emotionally available now.. i am trying not to make silly mistakes anymore.. 

nothing much really.. jus busy with studying.. locked up in my room.. staring at the outside world through my window.. 

oh yea and i am hoping to quit smoking soon.. yes yes i have been saying this for a looonnnggg time but i really want to.. the problem is that the moment exams are near, i jus feel like i have to smoke in between studying.. its my zen moment.. the 10 most peaceful mins i get with myself, my own thoughts.. you know.. like how it is for some people when they take a dump.. i dont know how i am going to quit.. but i will really try.. i am not gonna buy a pack after i finish my current pack of cigs... makes me nervous jus thinking abt going without smoking..

i think the first time i attempted to quit was when i was with ismail.. we made a pact to quit together.. hehe i influenced him to smoke again on the 2nd day.. mean girl.. i wonder if he still smokes.. 

i think i should jus dedicate this blog to ismail.. almost every post of mine has something abt him.. -_-

haunting memories

welllllllllll april 12th.. this date might not mean much to anyone.. this was the date i got into a relationship with ismail 4 yrs back.. if we were still together, we would be celebrating our 4 yr anniversary.. but we are not.. so its just another date which hold much memories.. this was the day when i got my first kiss.. a proper one.. with whom i shared feelings with.. i still can remember.. well like they say, girls dont forget their first kiss.. it was in a park.. i dont know the name of the park coz we were jus walking for hours and ended up somewhere but i know it was in either ang mo kio or yishun.. it was a huge park.. filled with trees.. we were walking beside each other.. it was full moon.. i remember that becoz we were talking abt how beautiful it was.. it was right above us.. he was wearing a cap and i took it away.. he kept asking and i said no.. yes yes it was childish of me but hey i was just 19.. anyways he came towards to to take it.. our faces was just centimeters away and than it happened..our eyes were locked and he leaned in and kissed me.. it was a very quick one.. but it jus seemed to go on forever.. it was like the perfect kiss.. and i was blushing.. hahahah yes i know me? blushing? but yea i didnt even look at his face for the next 10 mins and i jus kept looking down smiling.. he got worried and asked if he did anything wrong.. i looked at him and jus smiled.. and he smiled back at me.. that smile.. that wonderful smile that i love.. that jus melts my heart.. and he grabbed hold of my hand and it was just perfect.. 

one thing i love abt him was that he was very spontaneous.. he knew the right moments.. and he just did things which a girl loves.. like in the movies.. that was wad i really miss.. the moments when you are admiring the lake and he jus hugs you from the back and whispers in your ear that he loves you and the moments when you are enjoying the rain and catch him staring at you in wonder instead.. the cheeky smile he gives when he realizes he had made you blush.. the times he jus grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed it assuring me that nothing will happen to me when i am just screaming at him.. even when he have the worst fights, at the end of the day, he still said the perfect thing which made you feel like everything is going to be alright.. 

there was once when we had one of our bad fights.. i cant remember what it was.. he were on our way to watch dark knight.. and i jus couldnt take it and i ran off crying.. i actually jus ran up one of the blocks coz i wanted to be alone.. and the next thing i knew he was calling me and calling out my name in panic.. after abt 10 mins when i was calm enough, i went down and found him sitting on the bench nearby holding his head on his knees.. i went beside him thinking he was gonna scream at me for running off like that.. but he looked at me.. his eyes were wet.. it just broke my heart.. he held my hand and told me how sorry he was and he wouldnt know wad to do if i leave him.. 

you see i dont know if he jus knew wad to say to a girl or if he actually meant it.. but either way, it never failed to touch my heart.. he had that "gift".. the one which all gals hope their boyfren would have.. 

but of coz we have had the worst fights too.. that was wad lead to the break up.. but who cares abt those things when you can just think abt the happy moments..

titus was always there for me.. no doubt.. but he could never make my heart skip a beat or he could never do things which just makes my knee feel like jelly.. but he was always there for me..

well haruna, if you are reading this, i think i deserve a slap right now..