what have i become

so its a nice sat morning.. the sun is shining.. the birds are chirping.. probably.. and i am sitting at my desk all ready to jump into doing my assignment which is due on tue.. as per my usual routine, i checked my fb.. the first thing i do when i switch on my laptop.. and as usual, i went to ismail's account.. i have no idea why i do that but you know i just stare at his pic a few seconds before i log out.. okie i know, its creepy.. haha.. i dont know why but i the maps he had on his profile caught my eye. his most signed in place which is his CD headquarters.. i just clicked on the map and saw another spot there.. his home.. hougang..

i always thought he stayed in AMK.. coz we usually walk from AMK station to his house.. i totally forgot how to walk to his place though.. but anyways i went to google earth and checked it out to see if it was indeed his home address.. and the next thing i knew, i was staring at his block and the table that i used to sit at and wait for him was beside his block on the picture.. and all the memories just came rushing back... the same place where he peeked at me from his hall window once when i was waiting for him.. the same place where i did something really stupid and ended up in a whole emotional disaster.. and the same place where i realized how much he loved me (during one of our usual quarrels).. so so much memories..

and suddenly i realized what the hell i was doing.. like how creepy and insane i have become over him.. i cant believe i was actually doing what i was doing.. how insane is it.. i have become his facebook STALKER!!!! me!!! oh god.. i am driving myself insane.. what am i doing..

i had a dream abt him again.. that i went to his workplace in singapore to meet him.. but i woke up the moment i saw him.. it has been more than a month since i sent him the message and as each day passes, after every dream i have abt him, the desperation of talking to him is just increasing.. i am constantly thinking abt ways i can get his number and contact him.. i have become this person that i hate.. this crazy, idiotic person.. even now i am actually thinking abt lookin through the yellow pages to get his number using his address..

I HAVE GOT TO STOP MYSELF!!!  i have to keep this insanity under control or i am seriously gonna do something stupid which i am gonna regret.. all i want is to talk to him.. why is it so difficult.. i KNOW he will reply to me once he sees my fb message.. but when is that gonna be?? when is he gonna see my message? when is he gonna check his friggin fb?? the longer this takes, the more crazy i am becoming.. what has he done to me... what have i done to myself.. why did this have to happen.. oh god.. if i was in spore right now, i think i would seriously have just gone down to his block.. i swear i would have done that.. so thank god i am in australia right now...

i told his fren karthik how i felt and that i really need to talk to him.. but i dont know and i dont think he is actually trying his best to get me his number.. he seems a little suspicious.. like he would rather "keep me for himself" kinda thing.. coz firstly, which fren (especially a guy) would talk to his fren's ex galfren right.. like doesnt that go against their "bro code".. and secondly he is so nice to me.. again which fren would be so nice to his fren's ex galfren especially after the super dramatic break up we had.. but now he is the only link remaining between me and ismail.. so i have to just suck it up and be nice to him.. i am terrible.. in every way possible..

when did i become this totally strange person.. i dont even recognize myself anymore.. i used to think that as a person, i was really nice.. i didnt mean any harm to anyone and i cared for everyone.. but now i realise that as much as i have been nice to someone, i have hurt another person twice as much.. i have been so selfish and didnt even realise it.. i was just so full of myself.. if only i can go back and do right all the wrongs..

if i go back in time, i would not stop myself from dating ismail.. i would stop myself from dating titus though.. and than i think, is it true that girls get attracted to idiots.. i mean obviously titus is a much better guy than ismail.. in the way he took care of me and stuff.. but why.. why am i soo in love with ismail.. even after all he did to me, why do i want him and not the better guy.. this is the point where i take a slipper and beat myself.. i deserve it..

what am i going to do... how long can i last before i really do something stupid..

why!?!?!?!?!?

woke up today feeling shitty for 2 reasons.. first i am sick.. f-ed up.. its not the kind of flu where you just have a runny nose.. its the kind when your ears, throat hurts so bad each time you swollow your saliva.. didnt get much sleep at all.. next up, my dream.. finally when i fell asleep, i was abrubtly woken up by my dream.. and yes after that i had to say goodbye to my sleep..

it was abt ismail.. god!! he is literally killing me without being in my life.. why is he doing this to me.. i dreamt that i met up with him.. it was a totally weird place.. but it felt like i know the place.. it felt like i have been there before.. anyways i was with him and we were talkin abt something.. and than he hugged me.. it felt so right.. the weird thing was not dreaming abt him.. but i actualy felt him hugging me.. you know how they say that you don actually feel anything when you are dreaming. as in emotions wise.. but i felt my heart beating so fast and i felt the thingly feeling when he hugged me (the good kind) and i can remember his face.. exactly like how it was 4 yrs ago.. he was so close to me.. i was lying down on his arms and he was jus smiling at me.. and he kissed me.. and thatz when i woke up.. silly, stupid.. i dont know but i was just lying on my bed confused and feeling miserable and sick.. not a good way to start my day..

am i that into him.. i really dont understand this whole thing abt him.. why after 4 yrs i am feeling this.. shouldnt i be over and done with this.. done with him.. than  why???

and i am sitting in my uni, having missed my first class.. firstly coz i forgot to bring tissue and my nose was just dripping that i had to run to the toilet to blow my nose.. that made me late.. my lecturer DOES NOT like late comers.. so i decided to avoild the unnesserary emmbarresment and skipped class.. and our song (mine and ismail's) started playing my my phone.. like that is gonna make things bette.. so yea not surprisingly i broke down in my uni.. thank god its a deserted place in the mornings.. these tears are not solely becoz of him.. its also due to my unstopping flow of mucous.. hate feeling sick.. just one at a time please.. its either i am just sick or i am thinking abt him.. i cant handle both at the same time!!!!!

and coming to something else.. titus.. god!!! he called yesterday.. and being a bitch, i did not really talk to him properly.. poor boy.. he called me so lovingly and of coz i didnt show him what i was feeling but i know in my heart that i am not doing the right thing.. all i could think abt was ismail.. like i am cheating titus emotionally you know.. even at the end of the conversation when he said i love you, i said it back. but it was just words.. it had no feeling attached to it.. and its totally against my morals.. i have always and only said those words when i really feel it.. but to him, its just words.. i am not lying to him.. i am just lying to myself... i am cheating both him and me.. i hate doing this to him.. but how can i end things with him yet again.. a 3rd time.. i cant bring myself to do it.. i am such a terrible person.. why must he love me so much.. it just makes things so hard for me.. why cant he realise that its not gonna work out and leave me.. just leave me titus..

stop dripping nose!!!!! have to run to the toilet again.. seriously feel like chopping off my nose.. this is what global warming does to you.. the abrupt change in weather.. this ALWAYS happens during the beggining of winter.. ISMAIL!!!! TITUS!!! NOSE!!!! i was wanna run somehwere and hide..

more than just....

just finished my molecular bio assignment.. decided to check fb.. came across a post by my not so close friend.. i think his friend passed away.. he posted this song abt friendship. next thing i know, i am tearing.. 

its was about losing a friend.. and suddenly i got this uncomfortable feeling in my tummy.. like i lost something kinda feeling.. its not that i have lost someone, its just that i think i am missing my friends too much ya know.. all my life, i have been more into friends.. i love my family, and i am very close to them.. but as i grew up, being the youngest and all, i didnt have someone in my family to talk to or to guide me or anything like that.. in sec sch especially, i learnt the value of friendship and how it an save you at the same time dump you in shit.. i have always been only able to talk things out with my friends.. not all, just a handful or special ones.. i was never able to talk such personal things with my family members.. to think abt it, my close friends know me inside out, way bette than anyone else.. and i am truely grateful to them.. they have kept me sane all these yrs and i dont know what i would do without them.. 

they are not just friends, they are more like my second family.. and i dont know how i am gonna be without living close to them.. meet up whenever we wish to, go have our thanni sessions, talk cock, emo together.. hahaha i love you guys.. don ever leave me.. i cant even think abt losing ppl like you.. you guys are just irreplaceable in my life.. 

just know that you are in my heart, you will never leave my heart and i love you.. even if i dont tell you that, you should know by now.. :)

Love? Seriously?

i was just watching some crap tamil movie... something that was in my hard drive.. anyways what lead to me blog was something i observed in the movie.. actually i have observed this in ALL tamil movies.. just felt like saying out loud.. 

anyways the hero sees the girl and its love at first sight.. he finds her gorgeous and wants to marry her.. from that instant, he cant think of any other girls and he cant love anyone else.. that basically sums up almost all the tamil movies i know.. 

the stupid part is that, it is not love.. like seriously come on, that just crush.. how can ppl in india not know the difference.. but i bet if you tell them that its cursh and not love, they will look at you like you are a slut.. they will ask you "how can you love so many guys?".. but seriously, someone should tell them the difference.. i have crushes too.. when i see a really cute guy, i do drool a little but i dont go behind him and say that i love him or i want to marry him... i don know shit abt him.. how can i love him?? love is something completely different.. it happens when you know the person so well, that it comes to a point where you dont need words to express feelings and you just understand each other and you cant live without the person.. i mean thatz love.. or movie love.. i dont know.. i mean i am seriously no expert when it comes to love but thatz my definition.. haizz seriously, tamil movies....... ridiculous..