well guess what.. today my sis and i were in the car on the way to the train station in the morning.. we were quiet as usual.. its early in the morning and we are usually too lazy to talk.. but today my sis looked at me through the rear view mirror and said "can i ask you something, you dont have to reply me or say anything" i was a little puzzled and said yea sure.. she told me that my brother in law, my cousin and she, all three of them thought that there was something wrong with me since i came back from singapore.. she said that i look happy but not really happy.. as in i look happy on the outside but its quite clear that i am not happy in the inside.. and they feel as if i have left someone back at home..

i was a little taken back coz i seriously didnt realize that they could actually see it in my face.. i have been feeling down since i came back.. well coz of ismail.. but i thought i was pretty normal on the outside..

did i really send out such vibes.. to the extend that people around me could feel it?? thatz a little creepy.. am i that bad at concealing my emotions..? damn.. but than she told me that i am still young and nothing is written on stone.. i can always do what i want..

than it got me thinking about ismail the whole day.. i was so absent minded that i forgot my tuition class for one of my subjects.. that annoyed me even more.. why the hell was i being like this? thinking about him is one thing, but forgetting my class, that i cant accept.. i was irritated with myself.. ALOT!!!!

i caaught myself thinking about him again during my lecture.. and that was it.. i told myself NO.. i am not gonna forsake my studies because i cant control my stupid thoughts.. and amazingly i sat through the whole lecture and all the classes that followed with full attention.. i came back home with such a happy feeling.. like i achieved something..

now when i think abt ismail, i dont have a sick feeling in my stomach.. but a very happy feeling.. excitement.. like i cant wait to talk to him over the phone kinda feeling.. i mean its way better than feeling sucky right..

i dont know what i am doing but i am doing it.. i dont know where this is gonna end but i am still doing it.. i know haruna is gonna disown me... but i am still doing it.. hoping that she wont.. hehe.. but i want to do this.. i want to get this nagging feeling off my chest.. i need to try at least.. i know that even if i forget abt him within a month, this feeling is definitely going to return.. maybe in another few years time.. who knows.. but by than, things might be too late.. and i dont want to live with this feeling like i have some unfinished business for the rest of my life.. that truly would drive me insane..

who knows, maybe ismail was the frog who turned into prince charming..

emotions are over -rated

wow.. its been almost 4 yrs.. i am back... its just that i have been feeling some things lately and my dear fren haruna told me to write again.. well after much scolding of coz..

i wonder if ismail still visits this page.. i really doubt it.. coz its been sooo long.. but if he does, i mean if you do than i have some things i wanna tell you.. firstly DONT YOU CHECK YOUR FRIGGIN FACEBOOK!!!!!!!! i am dying here everyday waiting for your response..

i want to tell you some things, ask you... well ask you if you really loved me.. i know its stupid but i need to know.. i really did.. i really do.. i am still in love with you.. i still have strong feelings for you.. haruna: please don kill me.. i am jus writing my thoughts.. :)

why did i send him that message? what was i expecting him to reply? what was i going to reply me if he did say he loves me still? what will happen to titus? is that considered cheating?

here i have this wonderful guy, titus.. he has loved me and cherished me and neve hurt me.. but to tell you the truth, i didnt love titus to begin with.. initially. he did like me but we got into a relationship over a kiss.. but i was on the rebound.. i didnt know how to tell him no.. so i told him that we will see how things go.. i thought he will break up with me eventually.. but time has passed and its gonna be 2 yrs.. excluding the break period.. but now i know that he will never leave me.. he loves me to bits.. but the bitch that i am being, i am gonna tell the truth.. i do not love him the same way he does.. i love him, i care for him but not as much as he does.. not as much as how much i love and care for ismail.. or did.. to me i think that it is very unfair for titus.. he does not deserve this..

on serveral occasions, i have thought that i am too good for titus.. that i deserve better than him as my life partner.. heck even his family members think so.. just becoz i am more educated, better living standards, better status.. but to tell you the truth, does all these make a person better.. i don think so.. titus derservess a better person.. he deserves someone who can return him the love that he is endlessly pouring on me.. he deserves someone who can love him wholeheartedly.. i know i dont.. how can i when i am constantly thinking about ismail..

on the other hand, how can i not think abt ismail.. he was my first bf.. my first love.. i gave him everything.. but he treated me like shit.. he did to me what i am doing to titus.. i have been very mean to him and that is not right.. coz i am just being an ismail to titus.. but to think abt it, all the bad things ismail has done to me does not matter anymore.. becoz i feel like the happiness he gave me was more.. our first kiss, his fav desert, our song.. the way my heart raced each time we hugged.. is it wrong to want them back.. is it wrong to think abt him.. but wad he did to me was bad.. why did he have to lie to me? did he not love me? i dont know... but i want to know..

i have been thinking abt this quite recently.. what is happiness.. yes you have your dream job, dream house, close frenz and family, rich life.. but what abt love? can you truly find happiness without love? wont you get lonely? but wad if love means giving up on all the stuff mentioned above except for family.. will that give you happiness.. if you cant have both, than how will you be truly happy? why live? than again you might think i will find someone else, but wad if the someone neve comes? wad if your price charming never came? what then? you would have thrown away the love you has thinking that you are gonna get a better one, to find out you never do... you just threw away your prince charming...

see i dont wanna be those ppl who always think abt someone else after marriage.. that is totally wrong.. and i dont wanna sit down one day and think how it would have been if i had done something.. it might turn out bad or good, but at least i gave it a shot.. i did something now so that in the future i am not gonna regret not doing or saying anything.. life is short.. i might die tomorrow.. i don wanna regret anything on my deathbed.. like dying isnt gonna be depressing enough..

i am just ranting what i am feeling over here.. to think abt it, i dont have a conclusion.. in the end, i dont know what i want.. i dont know what gives me happiness.. life is not a movie to see it all work out in the end.. i have to make things work out in the end.. i have to give myself a happy ending.. but currently i don know what it is..

i read through my previous posts.. i have said some childish things, stupid things and also i have shared with you the happiness.. that is most important thing in the end.. happiness.. i really hope i will get a reply from it soon.. i feel like my happiness lies with ismail.. i might be stupidly wrong.. but no harm trying.. he might be bad news, i might be just repeating history, but at least it was worth an effort.. at least i can move on.. things just ended so abruptly with him.. maybe its a closure that i need.. i dont know.. but i have a feeling i am going to find out soon.. well what have i got to loose right.. no point being egoistic in life.. that brings you no where.. and i kinda learnt it the hard way..

booya!!!

heyhey... argghh.. so long since i blogged... many many things going on in my mind right now.. cant sleep... just too many nightmares..

people killing me.... committing suicide... accident... yea some of my nightmares...

forget about that... the most horrifying things is that my past keeps coming back to haunt me.. its like i somehow keep going back to the crime scene... i know i don want to.... but i jus end up there.. its the ppl... its always abt the ppl..

and me leaving... i am gonna miss so many ppl here.. i am gonna leave half my life here and go.. i don know how i am gonna cope with that.. its gonna be so difficult.. i jus hope i don go under depression... my family.. frenz.. loved ones.. BED!!! haha...

life seems to be pretty damn boring... and dreadful...

been reading abt the whole 2012 things. you know the doomsday.. haha jus cant wait.. it seems to be pretty realistic.. i mean it is proven scientifically and religiously.. so i mean i believe in it... and cant wait.. until than i am jus gonna live day to day.. no big plans for the future.. no oohhaaa abt anything... jus live life.. see wads gonna happen next.. MUHAHAHAHA... DIE...EVERYONE DIE!!!!!!!!!

i am back!

hey hey... haha i am back after soo long... well haruna asked me to update so here it is... its not like i don have anything to write.. its jus that i got too much to write that i don know where to begin...

today haruna rosey and me went to east coast... well basically it was a totally emo outing after
rosey left..

i neve knew how much haruna and i had in common that for the first time i told her something that absolutely no one else in the worlds knows... i feel so much bette now...





sometimes your brain tells you one thing and you friggin feel something else... i know its kinda stupid but it jus cant be helped... i know its of no use feeling this way coz wads done is done.. wads ended is ended but that does not mean that i cant miss you.. and i am so totally missing you.. there is not one single day goes by without me thinking abt you... i know you don do the same.. not even the slightest thought of me would come by you.. but it does not matter.. i don know if you still do read my blog.. but if you do thanks...

friendship... i don know wads guys defination of this but i really give alot of respect to friendship.. i guess years are not enough to know a guy so well... one day they jus wake up and decide you screw up your day... jus basically screw you up more than you already are... i neve expected this from someone i put so close to my heart.. from someone who was treated with so much of respect in my house and to someone i put so high up in my life... well you seriously dont deserve any gal's friendship... thatz for sure!!!

on another note...i noticed something among the indian guys... there are a few frenz of mine guys of coz who sleep around with other gals and kinda like scandals while in a relationship says that it is alright as long as the gal does not find out (hopeless guys)... i don know in wad way do they think its alright... i mean its singapore for godsake... the gal is bound to find out someday... jus imagine if things does go smoothly without the gal finding out and it ends up in marriage, on the day of the wedding, from the gal's side her frenz arrive and take a look at the groom.. can you imagine she strats yelling " I SLEPT WITH HIM LAST MONTH!!!"... hahahaha... i would love to see such a thing... and than i have some frenz who jus plainly sleep around with gals... well cant really say anything abt that as long as they don do such a thing to nice gals... than there are some who say that the gal is the most beautiful person they have ever seen and bla bla when they are in the relationship and goes like oh my got she looks like a transexual and oh my god she is so ugly and bla bla when they have broken up... argghhh so wanna kill these kinda guys.. and than there are the lantai angels who still talk abt their ex galfren as if they are the most precious thing.. these are the kinda guys i am so proud to have as frenz..

as a gal i really cant stand when guys really put gals down.. like really talk badly abt them.. coz i have and am going through that and i find it so wrong... i mean why.. why should they do that.. wad have we ever done that is soooo wrong.. okie i know there are some gals who are real bitches.. thatz some... not all.. so FRIGGIN STOP GENERALISING AND STOP JUDGING!!!

recently i was talkin to this guy in msn.. the first time i talked to him.. so he was jus asking questions where and i studying and all.. than he asked me so am i seeing anyone and i jus replied no i am single but unavailable.. and gues wad he said.. "okie than bye coz i don like wasting my time"... WTF!!!!!! how irritating... and than the best part is that when i asked him why he is so rude he starts scolding me... he started calling me a skank and such jus becoz i said i am interested in a relationship.. wad the hell wad wrogn with him.. amazingly i was in a super good mood that day.. so i jus told him nicely "well, why don you try going to tamil matrimony. com as you are not lookin for frenz but a wife"... and than he starts using awful words and i jus blocked him off... no point talking to useless guys and trying to make them understand that they are too young to be in a relationship....

yesterday i had the most weirdest dreams.. well i wont say most weirdest coz i have had pretty wierd dreamz in my life.. but a very unexpected one... i dreant abt ismail... haha... i dreamt that we got into contact again and we started talking... you know like how we used to talk... no awkwardness and all... the feeling was really nice.. once i woke up i was feeling as if it was april 12th but that reality hit me and i was back to square one feeling all shitty.. which than led to the hole emo day out with haruna and rosey... i know i am supposed to get over it.. but i cant.. its jus a very unwilling reaction... its jus nice to think abt the good times.. before aug 12th when everything started... okie okie i wont talk abt that again... will jus start getting depressed all over again..

anyways my eyes are shutting... gonna hit the sack...

hope my entries will be regular from now on... hehehehehe


hugs and kisses... missing you badly....