emotions are over -rated

wow.. its been almost 4 yrs.. i am back... its just that i have been feeling some things lately and my dear fren haruna told me to write again.. well after much scolding of coz..

i wonder if ismail still visits this page.. i really doubt it.. coz its been sooo long.. but if he does, i mean if you do than i have some things i wanna tell you.. firstly DONT YOU CHECK YOUR FRIGGIN FACEBOOK!!!!!!!! i am dying here everyday waiting for your response..

i want to tell you some things, ask you... well ask you if you really loved me.. i know its stupid but i need to know.. i really did.. i really do.. i am still in love with you.. i still have strong feelings for you.. haruna: please don kill me.. i am jus writing my thoughts.. :)

why did i send him that message? what was i expecting him to reply? what was i going to reply me if he did say he loves me still? what will happen to titus? is that considered cheating?

here i have this wonderful guy, titus.. he has loved me and cherished me and neve hurt me.. but to tell you the truth, i didnt love titus to begin with.. initially. he did like me but we got into a relationship over a kiss.. but i was on the rebound.. i didnt know how to tell him no.. so i told him that we will see how things go.. i thought he will break up with me eventually.. but time has passed and its gonna be 2 yrs.. excluding the break period.. but now i know that he will never leave me.. he loves me to bits.. but the bitch that i am being, i am gonna tell the truth.. i do not love him the same way he does.. i love him, i care for him but not as much as he does.. not as much as how much i love and care for ismail.. or did.. to me i think that it is very unfair for titus.. he does not deserve this..

on serveral occasions, i have thought that i am too good for titus.. that i deserve better than him as my life partner.. heck even his family members think so.. just becoz i am more educated, better living standards, better status.. but to tell you the truth, does all these make a person better.. i don think so.. titus derservess a better person.. he deserves someone who can return him the love that he is endlessly pouring on me.. he deserves someone who can love him wholeheartedly.. i know i dont.. how can i when i am constantly thinking about ismail..

on the other hand, how can i not think abt ismail.. he was my first bf.. my first love.. i gave him everything.. but he treated me like shit.. he did to me what i am doing to titus.. i have been very mean to him and that is not right.. coz i am just being an ismail to titus.. but to think abt it, all the bad things ismail has done to me does not matter anymore.. becoz i feel like the happiness he gave me was more.. our first kiss, his fav desert, our song.. the way my heart raced each time we hugged.. is it wrong to want them back.. is it wrong to think abt him.. but wad he did to me was bad.. why did he have to lie to me? did he not love me? i dont know... but i want to know..

i have been thinking abt this quite recently.. what is happiness.. yes you have your dream job, dream house, close frenz and family, rich life.. but what abt love? can you truly find happiness without love? wont you get lonely? but wad if love means giving up on all the stuff mentioned above except for family.. will that give you happiness.. if you cant have both, than how will you be truly happy? why live? than again you might think i will find someone else, but wad if the someone neve comes? wad if your price charming never came? what then? you would have thrown away the love you has thinking that you are gonna get a better one, to find out you never do... you just threw away your prince charming...

see i dont wanna be those ppl who always think abt someone else after marriage.. that is totally wrong.. and i dont wanna sit down one day and think how it would have been if i had done something.. it might turn out bad or good, but at least i gave it a shot.. i did something now so that in the future i am not gonna regret not doing or saying anything.. life is short.. i might die tomorrow.. i don wanna regret anything on my deathbed.. like dying isnt gonna be depressing enough..

i am just ranting what i am feeling over here.. to think abt it, i dont have a conclusion.. in the end, i dont know what i want.. i dont know what gives me happiness.. life is not a movie to see it all work out in the end.. i have to make things work out in the end.. i have to give myself a happy ending.. but currently i don know what it is..

i read through my previous posts.. i have said some childish things, stupid things and also i have shared with you the happiness.. that is most important thing in the end.. happiness.. i really hope i will get a reply from it soon.. i feel like my happiness lies with ismail.. i might be stupidly wrong.. but no harm trying.. he might be bad news, i might be just repeating history, but at least it was worth an effort.. at least i can move on.. things just ended so abruptly with him.. maybe its a closure that i need.. i dont know.. but i have a feeling i am going to find out soon.. well what have i got to loose right.. no point being egoistic in life.. that brings you no where.. and i kinda learnt it the hard way..