silly me

well.. shanker replied to my message on fb.. like finally.. he said "It's okay Shakthee..I'm so sorry too..I wish you all the best for your future.." i replied him something like " thank you for being there and helpng me through the hardest part of my life and thank you for always being there for me.. if you feel like talking, do drop me a message".. i kinda feel very relieved.. like a burden is off my shoulder.. he really was there for me.. he was truly a good fren.. its sad that things ended between us.. but i do cherish the good times we had.. he was someone i could talk to about almost anything.. a best fren.. i do wish i can have him back as a fren.. but i wonder if things will be the same..

vinodth and the guys are like family to me.. they are very close to my heart.. but i never talked to them about my feelings.. i neve felt like i could.. i am more like one of the guys.. and guys dont share emotions and feeling you see.. and i dont think they are the kind to do it.. its sad but its a good thing too.. coz i neve have to feel judged or feel exposed..

i get that feeling sometimes and towards a certain people.. if i open up myself to them, i feel very vulnerable and nude.. like an open book.. which i dont like.. so i only share my deepest feelings towards very handful of people.. and they are haruna and used to be shanker.. i feel like i can totally be myself towards them.. without having the feeling of being judged or misunderstood.. they just know me so well.. i feel like it is just easy to talk to them without explaining to them in detail about each thing.. i am very very grateful i have and had them in my life.. if only shanker talks to me again.. if only we can jus laugh about the whole thing and jus put all that behind us and be how we used to be.. if only..

i realise that i have changed alot.. the way i think to be precise.. i dont know if its the age, or the people i have met that have changed me.. but when i think about the past.. even jus the past few years, i realise i have made alot of dumb decisions and i have handled things very badly.. i have made alot of right choices in my life but the way i carried them out was not right.. the way i have spoken to people, the way i was jus ready to throw things away without thinking how it might have affected the other person.. i have been very selfish.. i did not treasure the things i had and i was so set in my ways.. i had a vision of my perfect life.. and if something did not go according to my "plan" than i just got rid of it.. it might have been the right thing to do according to some people but i dont think i was right.. what is life without the people who helped you through your life.. even if they have done the smallest thing to change your life for the better, they are important.. and shanker was one of those people.. how could i have blamed him entirely for feeling such things towards me.. its not something you can control fully.. i have lots of stupid emotions too..

shakthee shakthee.. i feel disappointed in myself.. alot.. but i hope making these amendments now will lead me in the right direction and make right all the wrongs i have done..