silly me

well.. shanker replied to my message on fb.. like finally.. he said "It's okay Shakthee..I'm so sorry too..I wish you all the best for your future.." i replied him something like " thank you for being there and helpng me through the hardest part of my life and thank you for always being there for me.. if you feel like talking, do drop me a message".. i kinda feel very relieved.. like a burden is off my shoulder.. he really was there for me.. he was truly a good fren.. its sad that things ended between us.. but i do cherish the good times we had.. he was someone i could talk to about almost anything.. a best fren.. i do wish i can have him back as a fren.. but i wonder if things will be the same..

vinodth and the guys are like family to me.. they are very close to my heart.. but i never talked to them about my feelings.. i neve felt like i could.. i am more like one of the guys.. and guys dont share emotions and feeling you see.. and i dont think they are the kind to do it.. its sad but its a good thing too.. coz i neve have to feel judged or feel exposed..

i get that feeling sometimes and towards a certain people.. if i open up myself to them, i feel very vulnerable and nude.. like an open book.. which i dont like.. so i only share my deepest feelings towards very handful of people.. and they are haruna and used to be shanker.. i feel like i can totally be myself towards them.. without having the feeling of being judged or misunderstood.. they just know me so well.. i feel like it is just easy to talk to them without explaining to them in detail about each thing.. i am very very grateful i have and had them in my life.. if only shanker talks to me again.. if only we can jus laugh about the whole thing and jus put all that behind us and be how we used to be.. if only..

i realise that i have changed alot.. the way i think to be precise.. i dont know if its the age, or the people i have met that have changed me.. but when i think about the past.. even jus the past few years, i realise i have made alot of dumb decisions and i have handled things very badly.. i have made alot of right choices in my life but the way i carried them out was not right.. the way i have spoken to people, the way i was jus ready to throw things away without thinking how it might have affected the other person.. i have been very selfish.. i did not treasure the things i had and i was so set in my ways.. i had a vision of my perfect life.. and if something did not go according to my "plan" than i just got rid of it.. it might have been the right thing to do according to some people but i dont think i was right.. what is life without the people who helped you through your life.. even if they have done the smallest thing to change your life for the better, they are important.. and shanker was one of those people.. how could i have blamed him entirely for feeling such things towards me.. its not something you can control fully.. i have lots of stupid emotions too..

shakthee shakthee.. i feel disappointed in myself.. alot.. but i hope making these amendments now will lead me in the right direction and make right all the wrongs i have done..

had a long chat with my sis yesterday.. it was a very random chat.. i have no idea how the topic came about in the first place.. but anyways i felt so much better after that..

the gist of the conversation was basically that i can get whatever i want.. i am 23, an age where i have to make tough decisions and its difficult.. especially when it come to love life.. i would see my frenz around me getting engaged and married it its gotta be difficult for me.. but i can chose what i want.. this feelings that i am getting about ismail is perfectly normal.. but i have to think if is he what i want? love is not the only thing which can sustain a marriage.. and i have seen that on many occasions.. if there is even one thing that i utterly cannot stand about my partner, than its clear that he is not the right one for me.. life is not all about giving in.. its jus part of it.. so why make my life difficult for myself by choosing the wrong person.. if i believe that there is someone perfect for you out there, than i will jus have to wait and get it.. instead of settling for something which is clearly not going to work out..

there was a reason why i broke up with ismail and even though i cant completely remember it, i made a choice.. it was a good one.. why doubt my choice.. instead of repeating the same mistake, and feeling stupid about it afterwords, jus don make the mistake..

but you see i know all these.. i felt way better today when i woke up.. i told myself "fine you have sent the message, whatever he is gonna reply, he will but i am not going to jus think about it and waste my life".. soooo i am not going to think abt it.. like as if thatz gonna happen.. but i am definitely going to try.. i do want a perfect life.. a perfect partner and i will find it.. i am not going to deprive myself of love just because i got left behind once.. i deserve the happiness and bloody hell i am gonna get it..

well guess what.. today my sis and i were in the car on the way to the train station in the morning.. we were quiet as usual.. its early in the morning and we are usually too lazy to talk.. but today my sis looked at me through the rear view mirror and said "can i ask you something, you dont have to reply me or say anything" i was a little puzzled and said yea sure.. she told me that my brother in law, my cousin and she, all three of them thought that there was something wrong with me since i came back from singapore.. she said that i look happy but not really happy.. as in i look happy on the outside but its quite clear that i am not happy in the inside.. and they feel as if i have left someone back at home..

i was a little taken back coz i seriously didnt realize that they could actually see it in my face.. i have been feeling down since i came back.. well coz of ismail.. but i thought i was pretty normal on the outside..

did i really send out such vibes.. to the extend that people around me could feel it?? thatz a little creepy.. am i that bad at concealing my emotions..? damn.. but than she told me that i am still young and nothing is written on stone.. i can always do what i want..

than it got me thinking about ismail the whole day.. i was so absent minded that i forgot my tuition class for one of my subjects.. that annoyed me even more.. why the hell was i being like this? thinking about him is one thing, but forgetting my class, that i cant accept.. i was irritated with myself.. ALOT!!!!

i caaught myself thinking about him again during my lecture.. and that was it.. i told myself NO.. i am not gonna forsake my studies because i cant control my stupid thoughts.. and amazingly i sat through the whole lecture and all the classes that followed with full attention.. i came back home with such a happy feeling.. like i achieved something..

now when i think abt ismail, i dont have a sick feeling in my stomach.. but a very happy feeling.. excitement.. like i cant wait to talk to him over the phone kinda feeling.. i mean its way better than feeling sucky right..

i dont know what i am doing but i am doing it.. i dont know where this is gonna end but i am still doing it.. i know haruna is gonna disown me... but i am still doing it.. hoping that she wont.. hehe.. but i want to do this.. i want to get this nagging feeling off my chest.. i need to try at least.. i know that even if i forget abt him within a month, this feeling is definitely going to return.. maybe in another few years time.. who knows.. but by than, things might be too late.. and i dont want to live with this feeling like i have some unfinished business for the rest of my life.. that truly would drive me insane..

who knows, maybe ismail was the frog who turned into prince charming..

emotions are over -rated

wow.. its been almost 4 yrs.. i am back... its just that i have been feeling some things lately and my dear fren haruna told me to write again.. well after much scolding of coz..

i wonder if ismail still visits this page.. i really doubt it.. coz its been sooo long.. but if he does, i mean if you do than i have some things i wanna tell you.. firstly DONT YOU CHECK YOUR FRIGGIN FACEBOOK!!!!!!!! i am dying here everyday waiting for your response..

i want to tell you some things, ask you... well ask you if you really loved me.. i know its stupid but i need to know.. i really did.. i really do.. i am still in love with you.. i still have strong feelings for you.. haruna: please don kill me.. i am jus writing my thoughts.. :)

why did i send him that message? what was i expecting him to reply? what was i going to reply me if he did say he loves me still? what will happen to titus? is that considered cheating?

here i have this wonderful guy, titus.. he has loved me and cherished me and neve hurt me.. but to tell you the truth, i didnt love titus to begin with.. initially. he did like me but we got into a relationship over a kiss.. but i was on the rebound.. i didnt know how to tell him no.. so i told him that we will see how things go.. i thought he will break up with me eventually.. but time has passed and its gonna be 2 yrs.. excluding the break period.. but now i know that he will never leave me.. he loves me to bits.. but the bitch that i am being, i am gonna tell the truth.. i do not love him the same way he does.. i love him, i care for him but not as much as he does.. not as much as how much i love and care for ismail.. or did.. to me i think that it is very unfair for titus.. he does not deserve this..

on serveral occasions, i have thought that i am too good for titus.. that i deserve better than him as my life partner.. heck even his family members think so.. just becoz i am more educated, better living standards, better status.. but to tell you the truth, does all these make a person better.. i don think so.. titus derservess a better person.. he deserves someone who can return him the love that he is endlessly pouring on me.. he deserves someone who can love him wholeheartedly.. i know i dont.. how can i when i am constantly thinking about ismail..

on the other hand, how can i not think abt ismail.. he was my first bf.. my first love.. i gave him everything.. but he treated me like shit.. he did to me what i am doing to titus.. i have been very mean to him and that is not right.. coz i am just being an ismail to titus.. but to think abt it, all the bad things ismail has done to me does not matter anymore.. becoz i feel like the happiness he gave me was more.. our first kiss, his fav desert, our song.. the way my heart raced each time we hugged.. is it wrong to want them back.. is it wrong to think abt him.. but wad he did to me was bad.. why did he have to lie to me? did he not love me? i dont know... but i want to know..

i have been thinking abt this quite recently.. what is happiness.. yes you have your dream job, dream house, close frenz and family, rich life.. but what abt love? can you truly find happiness without love? wont you get lonely? but wad if love means giving up on all the stuff mentioned above except for family.. will that give you happiness.. if you cant have both, than how will you be truly happy? why live? than again you might think i will find someone else, but wad if the someone neve comes? wad if your price charming never came? what then? you would have thrown away the love you has thinking that you are gonna get a better one, to find out you never do... you just threw away your prince charming...

see i dont wanna be those ppl who always think abt someone else after marriage.. that is totally wrong.. and i dont wanna sit down one day and think how it would have been if i had done something.. it might turn out bad or good, but at least i gave it a shot.. i did something now so that in the future i am not gonna regret not doing or saying anything.. life is short.. i might die tomorrow.. i don wanna regret anything on my deathbed.. like dying isnt gonna be depressing enough..

i am just ranting what i am feeling over here.. to think abt it, i dont have a conclusion.. in the end, i dont know what i want.. i dont know what gives me happiness.. life is not a movie to see it all work out in the end.. i have to make things work out in the end.. i have to give myself a happy ending.. but currently i don know what it is..

i read through my previous posts.. i have said some childish things, stupid things and also i have shared with you the happiness.. that is most important thing in the end.. happiness.. i really hope i will get a reply from it soon.. i feel like my happiness lies with ismail.. i might be stupidly wrong.. but no harm trying.. he might be bad news, i might be just repeating history, but at least it was worth an effort.. at least i can move on.. things just ended so abruptly with him.. maybe its a closure that i need.. i dont know.. but i have a feeling i am going to find out soon.. well what have i got to loose right.. no point being egoistic in life.. that brings you no where.. and i kinda learnt it the hard way..