i don know, i really dont

titus has gotten a gf.. initially i was relieved when i heard it from suresh... neve bothered talkin to him for quite some time.. 3 days go, he messaged me.. we talked a little.. i really cant do it.. its like there has always been this sentimental pen on you table.. you neve use it.. neve bothered if it was there or not.. it didnt matter if it was there.. you neve used it.. but one day, it got lost.. than you knew how much you valued it.. how much it means to you.. but its too late becoz its lost.. thats exactly how i am feeling.. i HATE it when he talked to me abt rukshini.. i don even wanna think abt him huggin her or kissin her or any shit like that.. and when we talk, thatz all i can think abt.. but to think that he actually accepted to go on with her, just shows that he really does wanna move on.. so i cannot tell him not to go.. all i asked for was 1 yr.. he waited for me for 4 yrs, i know its unfair for me to ask him to wait another yr.. wait for something which might or might not happen.. i know he should move on.. why the hell couldnt he have done that long time ago.. after all these while, after all that we have shared and gone through.. 

he was the one person whom i had that much of intimate connection with.. one person i slept with.. how can i even think abt him touching another gal.. for the first time, i am feeling hurt beyond words, feeling jealous.. this is not me..

i told him yesterday, after crying on the phone to shanker, i called titus and told him that i don wanna talk to him ever again, and i don wan him to talk to me ever again.. it was difficult as hell.. but i know it had to be done.. coz he is someone else's now.. i don wanna be the person who ruined their relationship.. i cant imagine the hurt and pain the gal would feel.. so I had to be strong and tell him no.. but he said are you sure? i said yes and he simply jus said ok.. thats it!!! all these yrs.. all the things we have shared.. its that simple to throw me away? how shitty is that.. 

jus 1 yr so that i can come back sg and make a right choice.. i don wanna do the whole back in sg, than in aus and i change my mind kind shit... i need to settle down in my life as in i need to start a job and know where my life is going before i can make any decision right? how can i make a decision, a life long commitment when i am in aus? but he couldnt wait, which i dont blame him for..

so now he is gone.. it hurts like hell.. i am actually crying.. i have not cried for anyone other than ismail and titus... it hurts so much.. and to make it worst, i don even have my friends around to distract me.. i am all alone here and it makes this shit even worst to handle.. 

yesterday night, dinesh messaged me saying he heard something abt me in the whole titus and rukshini story and i wasnt the good guy.. today i called him and he told he that apparently there are things going around saying that i am still in love with titus, and i keep calling him and i an asking him for financial assistance.. WTF!!!!! wad the hell is happening . i am hundreds of miles from sg, and there are shit going around abt me.. and i am the one who was being the good person and asking titus to be nice to rukshini so that she wont get hurt all.. and now i am the bad person???? I AM ASKING HIM FOR MONEY!!???? wad nonsense.. so before i could even tell shanker abt this, titus messaged me telling he needs to talk to me urgently.. i am wondering wtf.. how does he know something happened.. and i called and i started ranting abt how its becoz he is not making his gf happy, she is bitching abt me.. and he called her and she was denying the whole thing.. and he called me back being all pissed.. its like some typical indian drama bullshit.. and i didnt wan all these shit you see.. all i wanted was him to fuck off from my life since he decided to go with another gal and be nice to her for gods sake.. so that she wont take the frustration on me.. anyway shanker called him and calmed him down i think and i am not gonna do any shit abt this.. i am gonna put this behind me and move on.. i am gonna be the bigger person.. i am 24, i am not gonna get affected abt a 21 yr old.. not gonna get sucked into that drama shit.. this is bullshit.. total bullshit.. 

i know that even if she looks like me, no one can replace me.. coz i am that awesome.. i am one and only shakthee.. i am special.. and he will neve love any other gal like he loved me coz i am jus too awesome.. :))) LEGEN wait for it DARY.....