mortality

heard the most fucked up news today morning.. woke up and was ready when thiru messaged in the group chat that sree jumped from his block.. was rushed to nuh.. and ruby left work to go see wad happened.. in an hr or so, the news that he passed away came.. everything happened so fast.. jus in a matter of hrs, we have lost someone.. someone dear to us.. someone who was there during our joyous moments.. someone i shared drinks with.. still remember the time when i went to sg for holidays and sree called me up to meet him up in rp.. he was currently studying in rp.. i went during his break time with a couple of drinks and we chilled in the park.. hahaha it was really fun.. we were jus talkin nonsense and chilling.. he had the brightest smile.. and he was such a vijay fan.. could neve understand why.. we tend to start arguing on why i hated vijay.. he would get all so emotional in defending vijay.. 2011 new yr was spent together.. it was my first new yr spent with the guys and it was EPIC!!!! the time when we all became close.. fun times when all of us met up so often.. i don understand wad must have happened in between that made that happy go lucky person to do such a thing.. why werent we not there for him? where did we all go when a fren needed us? crying and suffering in silence.. 

we take advantage of everything.. everyone so simply.. just becoz they are just around the corner.. and when they are gone forever, we miss them.. i have already been feeling like that the past month.. titus.. becoz of him.. i don know.. i literally feel lost.. is this the process of "finding myself"? i dont know.. i literally wake up each morning and wonder how i am gonna go through this day.. i try and occupy myself till night comes where i jus wanna sleep and end off the day.. and the cycle repeats... is it becoz i am all alone here? no boys.. no sis to talk to.. i am in literal isolation.. except for fb and watsapp.. i don talk to anyone.. i don feel like leaving the room.. i jus wanna see my family, my frens.. i wanna finish my honours.. first class of coz... i mean don think that i am slackin off on sch work.. apart from that.. i think my uni and project are the only things keeping me sane at this point of time.. everything else jus seems like a 'i don know'... my brain jus thinks abt titus and dinesh.. i jus try to analyse my feeling over and over again.. and i try not to do it.. so i keep my brain blank becoz i know i cant find an answer to any of the questions that are popping in my head.. blank.. black and empty... what has happened to me? what has happened to the shakthee i love, who had an answer for everything? where have i gone? wad has happened to me these yrs..

all these attachments.. we are gonna lose it one day.. sooner or later, everything is gonna be gone.. everyone is gonna be gone.. why am i holding on to these things, emotions too dearly? why cant i jus let go of everything.. be one with myself? this soul.. wads my purpose in this earth? why was i put here? i am sure it wasnt to jus fall in love and have a family.. knowing that, than why am i so involved in it? why can i jus discard all these unwanted "materials" and be somewhere where i don need to face anything? 

too many questions, too many thoughts, too many feelings, and not a single answer.. pls god guide me.. save me.. tell me wad to do, wad to feel.. show me the way.. save me from this pit-hole.. 

MEN!!

i really dont get it.. ismail been texting me continuously these past few days.. saying how much he loves me and stuff.. but i usually jus reply him with a smiley face.. i think he got pissed off today and told me that i am always hurting him and all that.. that i messaged him a compo saying that 'i love you' are not jus words to be thrown around.. it represents something more.. there are not jus words but has an unspoken meaning behind it.. than he said i jus don understand how he feels.. i really don get it.. why say i love you and that you cannot forget me and will always love me when you have a gf? why tell me that those moments we kissed and made out are the best? if you feel that way, shouldnt you be with me? as in break up with his gf? i am not asking him to.. i don wan him to.. but thats the sensible thing to do right? like you feel like someone was way better and maybe even the best person you fell in love with, why are you with another person? i think its stupid..

and then there is titus whom i have had not contact for abt a month now.. been thinking abt him almost everyday.. short moments.. i jus shun the thoughts away.. really tempted to contact him.. but wad shanker said keeps ringing in my ear.. I HAVE TO BE STRONG!!! there is one person who has to be strong.. and i have to be that person.. if its meant to be, it will be.. i don know if he got back together with rukshini.. i have a strong feeling he has.. but you know wad, i know i am always the best.. i am too awesome and irreplaceable . he WILL come back crawling to me.. i think.. but if he does, this time around, i will take it as a sign.. 

and dinesh.. well we have been talking and things are going smoothly.. but i keep getting reminded of eat,pray, love quote where it says that soul mates are neve supposed to be together.. they come into your life, break you out of your shell and than leave... they are the most important ppl in your life. maybe thats how dinesh is to me.. i don know.. we are like two peas in a pod.. our similarities often freak us both out.. but than we had a conversation randomly abt children.. not so random.. i kinda directed the conversation towards that path becoz i really don want kids and i don wanna "cheat" someone.. in the future when things get all serious, than i don wanna say "oh i don wanna have kids" becoz thats not something ppl can compromise.. its their life, the rest of their life.. i cant steal that from someone.. and dinesh felt very strongly abt wanting kids which now makes me think alot.. maybe we will jus date and see how things go when i am back in sg..

and ppl say women are complicating.. come on guys, if you wan something, go get it.. don sit there and complain abt things.. am i jus too guyish? or are the guys i meet too in touch with their feminine side? i wonder........