mortality

heard the most fucked up news today morning.. woke up and was ready when thiru messaged in the group chat that sree jumped from his block.. was rushed to nuh.. and ruby left work to go see wad happened.. in an hr or so, the news that he passed away came.. everything happened so fast.. jus in a matter of hrs, we have lost someone.. someone dear to us.. someone who was there during our joyous moments.. someone i shared drinks with.. still remember the time when i went to sg for holidays and sree called me up to meet him up in rp.. he was currently studying in rp.. i went during his break time with a couple of drinks and we chilled in the park.. hahaha it was really fun.. we were jus talkin nonsense and chilling.. he had the brightest smile.. and he was such a vijay fan.. could neve understand why.. we tend to start arguing on why i hated vijay.. he would get all so emotional in defending vijay.. 2011 new yr was spent together.. it was my first new yr spent with the guys and it was EPIC!!!! the time when we all became close.. fun times when all of us met up so often.. i don understand wad must have happened in between that made that happy go lucky person to do such a thing.. why werent we not there for him? where did we all go when a fren needed us? crying and suffering in silence.. 

we take advantage of everything.. everyone so simply.. just becoz they are just around the corner.. and when they are gone forever, we miss them.. i have already been feeling like that the past month.. titus.. becoz of him.. i don know.. i literally feel lost.. is this the process of "finding myself"? i dont know.. i literally wake up each morning and wonder how i am gonna go through this day.. i try and occupy myself till night comes where i jus wanna sleep and end off the day.. and the cycle repeats... is it becoz i am all alone here? no boys.. no sis to talk to.. i am in literal isolation.. except for fb and watsapp.. i don talk to anyone.. i don feel like leaving the room.. i jus wanna see my family, my frens.. i wanna finish my honours.. first class of coz... i mean don think that i am slackin off on sch work.. apart from that.. i think my uni and project are the only things keeping me sane at this point of time.. everything else jus seems like a 'i don know'... my brain jus thinks abt titus and dinesh.. i jus try to analyse my feeling over and over again.. and i try not to do it.. so i keep my brain blank becoz i know i cant find an answer to any of the questions that are popping in my head.. blank.. black and empty... what has happened to me? what has happened to the shakthee i love, who had an answer for everything? where have i gone? wad has happened to me these yrs..

all these attachments.. we are gonna lose it one day.. sooner or later, everything is gonna be gone.. everyone is gonna be gone.. why am i holding on to these things, emotions too dearly? why cant i jus let go of everything.. be one with myself? this soul.. wads my purpose in this earth? why was i put here? i am sure it wasnt to jus fall in love and have a family.. knowing that, than why am i so involved in it? why can i jus discard all these unwanted "materials" and be somewhere where i don need to face anything? 

too many questions, too many thoughts, too many feelings, and not a single answer.. pls god guide me.. save me.. tell me wad to do, wad to feel.. show me the way.. save me from this pit-hole..