mortality

heard the most fucked up news today morning.. woke up and was ready when thiru messaged in the group chat that sree jumped from his block.. was rushed to nuh.. and ruby left work to go see wad happened.. in an hr or so, the news that he passed away came.. everything happened so fast.. jus in a matter of hrs, we have lost someone.. someone dear to us.. someone who was there during our joyous moments.. someone i shared drinks with.. still remember the time when i went to sg for holidays and sree called me up to meet him up in rp.. he was currently studying in rp.. i went during his break time with a couple of drinks and we chilled in the park.. hahaha it was really fun.. we were jus talkin nonsense and chilling.. he had the brightest smile.. and he was such a vijay fan.. could neve understand why.. we tend to start arguing on why i hated vijay.. he would get all so emotional in defending vijay.. 2011 new yr was spent together.. it was my first new yr spent with the guys and it was EPIC!!!! the time when we all became close.. fun times when all of us met up so often.. i don understand wad must have happened in between that made that happy go lucky person to do such a thing.. why werent we not there for him? where did we all go when a fren needed us? crying and suffering in silence.. 

we take advantage of everything.. everyone so simply.. just becoz they are just around the corner.. and when they are gone forever, we miss them.. i have already been feeling like that the past month.. titus.. becoz of him.. i don know.. i literally feel lost.. is this the process of "finding myself"? i dont know.. i literally wake up each morning and wonder how i am gonna go through this day.. i try and occupy myself till night comes where i jus wanna sleep and end off the day.. and the cycle repeats... is it becoz i am all alone here? no boys.. no sis to talk to.. i am in literal isolation.. except for fb and watsapp.. i don talk to anyone.. i don feel like leaving the room.. i jus wanna see my family, my frens.. i wanna finish my honours.. first class of coz... i mean don think that i am slackin off on sch work.. apart from that.. i think my uni and project are the only things keeping me sane at this point of time.. everything else jus seems like a 'i don know'... my brain jus thinks abt titus and dinesh.. i jus try to analyse my feeling over and over again.. and i try not to do it.. so i keep my brain blank becoz i know i cant find an answer to any of the questions that are popping in my head.. blank.. black and empty... what has happened to me? what has happened to the shakthee i love, who had an answer for everything? where have i gone? wad has happened to me these yrs..

all these attachments.. we are gonna lose it one day.. sooner or later, everything is gonna be gone.. everyone is gonna be gone.. why am i holding on to these things, emotions too dearly? why cant i jus let go of everything.. be one with myself? this soul.. wads my purpose in this earth? why was i put here? i am sure it wasnt to jus fall in love and have a family.. knowing that, than why am i so involved in it? why can i jus discard all these unwanted "materials" and be somewhere where i don need to face anything? 

too many questions, too many thoughts, too many feelings, and not a single answer.. pls god guide me.. save me.. tell me wad to do, wad to feel.. show me the way.. save me from this pit-hole.. 

MEN!!

i really dont get it.. ismail been texting me continuously these past few days.. saying how much he loves me and stuff.. but i usually jus reply him with a smiley face.. i think he got pissed off today and told me that i am always hurting him and all that.. that i messaged him a compo saying that 'i love you' are not jus words to be thrown around.. it represents something more.. there are not jus words but has an unspoken meaning behind it.. than he said i jus don understand how he feels.. i really don get it.. why say i love you and that you cannot forget me and will always love me when you have a gf? why tell me that those moments we kissed and made out are the best? if you feel that way, shouldnt you be with me? as in break up with his gf? i am not asking him to.. i don wan him to.. but thats the sensible thing to do right? like you feel like someone was way better and maybe even the best person you fell in love with, why are you with another person? i think its stupid..

and then there is titus whom i have had not contact for abt a month now.. been thinking abt him almost everyday.. short moments.. i jus shun the thoughts away.. really tempted to contact him.. but wad shanker said keeps ringing in my ear.. I HAVE TO BE STRONG!!! there is one person who has to be strong.. and i have to be that person.. if its meant to be, it will be.. i don know if he got back together with rukshini.. i have a strong feeling he has.. but you know wad, i know i am always the best.. i am too awesome and irreplaceable . he WILL come back crawling to me.. i think.. but if he does, this time around, i will take it as a sign.. 

and dinesh.. well we have been talking and things are going smoothly.. but i keep getting reminded of eat,pray, love quote where it says that soul mates are neve supposed to be together.. they come into your life, break you out of your shell and than leave... they are the most important ppl in your life. maybe thats how dinesh is to me.. i don know.. we are like two peas in a pod.. our similarities often freak us both out.. but than we had a conversation randomly abt children.. not so random.. i kinda directed the conversation towards that path becoz i really don want kids and i don wanna "cheat" someone.. in the future when things get all serious, than i don wanna say "oh i don wanna have kids" becoz thats not something ppl can compromise.. its their life, the rest of their life.. i cant steal that from someone.. and dinesh felt very strongly abt wanting kids which now makes me think alot.. maybe we will jus date and see how things go when i am back in sg..

and ppl say women are complicating.. come on guys, if you wan something, go get it.. don sit there and complain abt things.. am i jus too guyish? or are the guys i meet too in touch with their feminine side? i wonder........

ahhhh

ahhhhhhhh waliao.. today so many things happening sia.. aiyo.. my head like gonna burst.. so titus has broekn up with rukshini.. and he messaged me that.. i have become the bitch that split the loving couple now.. yea he break up with her why must come and tell me sia.. to maake me feel guilty and shitty.. wad the hell does he wan from me.. he wanna leave me and go right.. go la.. bloody hell why the hell must he come and tell me.. to tell me that becoz of me they broke up? i ruined his life once more? wtf sia.. he wanna throw me away throw me la.. if he can so easily jus leave me and go.. and good! go!!!! aarrgghhh wad does he wan!!!!!!! i wanna cry.. jus cry my eyes out.. but  am too tipsy to do it.. -_- aiyo intha love shit-eh vendaam.. i wanna jus  live my life volunteering and helping ppl..  i wanna become sanyaasi.. _/\_ vanakam

i don know, i really dont

titus has gotten a gf.. initially i was relieved when i heard it from suresh... neve bothered talkin to him for quite some time.. 3 days go, he messaged me.. we talked a little.. i really cant do it.. its like there has always been this sentimental pen on you table.. you neve use it.. neve bothered if it was there or not.. it didnt matter if it was there.. you neve used it.. but one day, it got lost.. than you knew how much you valued it.. how much it means to you.. but its too late becoz its lost.. thats exactly how i am feeling.. i HATE it when he talked to me abt rukshini.. i don even wanna think abt him huggin her or kissin her or any shit like that.. and when we talk, thatz all i can think abt.. but to think that he actually accepted to go on with her, just shows that he really does wanna move on.. so i cannot tell him not to go.. all i asked for was 1 yr.. he waited for me for 4 yrs, i know its unfair for me to ask him to wait another yr.. wait for something which might or might not happen.. i know he should move on.. why the hell couldnt he have done that long time ago.. after all these while, after all that we have shared and gone through.. 

he was the one person whom i had that much of intimate connection with.. one person i slept with.. how can i even think abt him touching another gal.. for the first time, i am feeling hurt beyond words, feeling jealous.. this is not me..

i told him yesterday, after crying on the phone to shanker, i called titus and told him that i don wanna talk to him ever again, and i don wan him to talk to me ever again.. it was difficult as hell.. but i know it had to be done.. coz he is someone else's now.. i don wanna be the person who ruined their relationship.. i cant imagine the hurt and pain the gal would feel.. so I had to be strong and tell him no.. but he said are you sure? i said yes and he simply jus said ok.. thats it!!! all these yrs.. all the things we have shared.. its that simple to throw me away? how shitty is that.. 

jus 1 yr so that i can come back sg and make a right choice.. i don wanna do the whole back in sg, than in aus and i change my mind kind shit... i need to settle down in my life as in i need to start a job and know where my life is going before i can make any decision right? how can i make a decision, a life long commitment when i am in aus? but he couldnt wait, which i dont blame him for..

so now he is gone.. it hurts like hell.. i am actually crying.. i have not cried for anyone other than ismail and titus... it hurts so much.. and to make it worst, i don even have my friends around to distract me.. i am all alone here and it makes this shit even worst to handle.. 

yesterday night, dinesh messaged me saying he heard something abt me in the whole titus and rukshini story and i wasnt the good guy.. today i called him and he told he that apparently there are things going around saying that i am still in love with titus, and i keep calling him and i an asking him for financial assistance.. WTF!!!!! wad the hell is happening . i am hundreds of miles from sg, and there are shit going around abt me.. and i am the one who was being the good person and asking titus to be nice to rukshini so that she wont get hurt all.. and now i am the bad person???? I AM ASKING HIM FOR MONEY!!???? wad nonsense.. so before i could even tell shanker abt this, titus messaged me telling he needs to talk to me urgently.. i am wondering wtf.. how does he know something happened.. and i called and i started ranting abt how its becoz he is not making his gf happy, she is bitching abt me.. and he called her and she was denying the whole thing.. and he called me back being all pissed.. its like some typical indian drama bullshit.. and i didnt wan all these shit you see.. all i wanted was him to fuck off from my life since he decided to go with another gal and be nice to her for gods sake.. so that she wont take the frustration on me.. anyway shanker called him and calmed him down i think and i am not gonna do any shit abt this.. i am gonna put this behind me and move on.. i am gonna be the bigger person.. i am 24, i am not gonna get affected abt a 21 yr old.. not gonna get sucked into that drama shit.. this is bullshit.. total bullshit.. 

i know that even if she looks like me, no one can replace me.. coz i am that awesome.. i am one and only shakthee.. i am special.. and he will neve love any other gal like he loved me coz i am jus too awesome.. :))) LEGEN wait for it DARY..... 

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

when in need of serious help

sometimes issues will pick the worst moments to pop up in my life.. so many things will happen at the same time.. sometimes in times like this, you will look for someone whom you can talk to.. all you need is that one person to listen to you and give you solutions.. 

i have tons of friends.. heaps.. but the funny thing is that, when i think of someone to talk to, someone to cry to, someone who would give me ideas or solutions to my issues, i can think of so few.. less than 5 maybe.. the sad part is that if i do call, some will say things like "you call me when you need something, if not you will forget me".. you see, its not like that.. this usually happens when i go back to sg.. i have very little time.. and i usually plan most of my days ahead so that i can make full use of the time i have in sg.. and well lets face it, i am jus a student who is in sg for my holidays.. i don have much cash in my hands.. all, well most of them are working so when they are out, they will suggest places which needs money.. sooooo i don meet them.. if i say this, will they understand? nah i doubt it.. 

and than there is titus, well he is not really a person i would go to for my problems.. he is a very good listener.. but not a person to give advice AT ALL... he will try and crack some lame ass joke to make me laugh and it will jus irritate the shit out of me coz well, its not the friggin time for it.. i am not jus upset abt something.. i need some advice.. but he doesnt get it.. he is not a give solutions kinda person.. 

the best person to talk to, kalei, well she has so much problems of her own, i would neve wanna burden her with mine... kalei and i take the meaning of best friends to a whole new level.. not only is our character alike, we tend to have the same kinda problems with guys..

and than there are the guys, well i dont tell them any of my problems so it will jus be too awkward.. i neve had the need to tell them my problems becoz firstly they are guys.. they don really talk abt their problems and secondly, they always make me laugh when i am down so i am kinda neve sad when i am with them.. 

shanker, he is busy with ns and dinesh.... well dinesh is not really a solution giver and also he will neve talk to me coz he hates me and i think he made that pretty clear....but he says i give really good advices and solutions.. when i tell him my problem.. oh brother, he gets affected by them and a few days later, he will tell you that he is confused becoz of your problem and voila, you jus got yourself more problems.. i guess there it is.. i am there for everyone.. so many ppl depend on me for something.. but what abt me? wad if i need someone to depend on.. let me correct that.. i need someone to depend on.. if i am the whole package for ppl ( guys who date me) than is there anything wrong in me finding for the same thing? i am the guy in a relationship, i am the gal in the relationship.. than wad the hell are you for?? so is there anything wrong when i expect a guy who is double the guy? someone who can dominate and take me under control (when needed)? anyone has what it takes to tame a wild horse?

don even get me started on ismail... i will start telling him something and the next thing you know, i will be consoling him for his petty problems and i will be wondering, how and when in the world did we start talkin abt you? so with him, its always abt him..

do i need it? no.. its not that i cant handle it.. sometimes when things get too overwhelming, its exhausting to be all alone in it.. talking to that one person whom you know will be there for you, take heaps off the burden on your shoulder.. i guess its jus me and you eh blog.. i guess it helps me a little to write down all these.. kinda like i am talkin to someone abt it right.. its like a math problem.. you try and try to solve it in your head and things jus get more and more confusing.. you don have to ask someone abt it but all it take is for you to write them down..the moment you write it down, suddenly it starts looking clearer to you.. solve one part at a time and your solution is right there.. jus have to take one step at a time.. i try my best to not think too much abt it.. worry too much.. its not like i can do anything abt it being here in aus.. i jus have to pray and hope.. pray for guidance and pray to god to be there for my family when i cant be there for them.. i know he hears me.. he always does.. things always work out well in the end.. jus becoz the process to it is a little rough, does not mean he is not there for you, holding your hand all the way.. 

cheer up shakthee.. everything is gonna be alright.. don worry abt things which are not in your control.. everything that has led up to now is due to your actions.. your choices and decisions.. don regret and wonder why he is behaving like this or that.. this is wad you chose.. suck it up and get through this.. feel wadever you wanna feel.. doesnt matter how shitty you feel.. as long as you don hurt another person again and as long as the wounds you have caused on someone heals and they move on.. do wad you have to do to get through it.. in the end, nothing lasts.. we are jus temporary beings in this temporary world.. ultimate happiness awaits..

wondering mind

the moments spent in utter loneliness are the worst.. so many things running through your head.. thoughts which you keep suppressing jus creeps its way into your mind.. no matter how much you try to distract yourself, it always finds its way.. and the moment it enters your head, it jus clings on and never allows you to be at peace.. well this is my moment now..

its been two weeks of living alone.. heart breaking... a week back, had a long chat with my sis until 6am.. made me question so much abt love, life, marriage especially.. 

as the youngest child/cousin in the family, well not including renu, coz she is too young, i have had the opportunity to learn alot from my cousins and family members.. the mistakes they have done, the things they have done right.. and i have seen alot.. its sad at times.. why wasnt there anyone to help them? teach them? guide them? as how they have made a difference in my life.. it has made me think abt what a marriage is all abt..is it enough to just love a person? i doubt it.. you have to not only love the person, but the family as well.. love aside, respect is very crucial.. wads the point in loving someone when you dont respect them? take them for granted? and is money all that matters? i guess its not jus one aspect or the other.. its bits of everything.. its like a really good curry (sorry for the association of curry but my room-mate is cooking something yummy and i am starving), its not jus one ingredient which predominates, its a little of everything.. and you have to ensure there is a balance of everything.. too much salt or too much chili will ruin the taste of it..

and than with all these thoughts lingering in my head, the guys in my life are not making it any easier for me.. or to put it into better words, i am not making it easy on myself becoz of the guys in my life.. there was something which i came across which i thought was jus so perfect.. " don hurt someone's feelings becoz you are confused abt your own"... i have done it soo much.. 

i used to remember very vaguely the times where i loved myself.. loved my life.. loved how i turned out given the things that has happened in my life since i was young.. but now that feeling seems like a distant memory.. i cant seem to remember how it felt to love myself.. frankly, i hate who i am.. who i have become.. a selfish person who is very confused abt myself.. 

but than i wonder, when you have fallen in love with someone, how do you not feel anything for them even if it has been years? and is it wrong to not fall in love again? so does it mean that it is normal to be in love with more than one person at a time? if this is so, than why does everyone say its wrong? why has it always been portrayed as this is something extremely wrong? why has our mind been conditioned in this manner? yes i loved ismail.. love jus doesnt go away.. its something you felt once.. truly, deeply.. there is nothing wrong in that.. he was not right for me, i fell in love with someone else.. yes i love titus as well, truly.. and things were not really working out.. than i found dinesh.. this perfect person.. but in person, he turned out so different.. he became someone i didnt recognise.. whenever i was with him, i felt like we were strangers.. but whenever i see him online or his status on fb, he is like the most perfect person for me.. why? why is this so? 

and fine, ismail has a gf.. i get it.. i tried moving away.. he kept clinging on and somehow managed to come into my life again.. no matter how many times i try to explain why he cant say things like i love you and stuff, he doesnt understand.. fine if he wants me in his life, i will, but jus as a fren.. i have told him a million times.. is it easy for me? no! not at all.. he was special to me.. in 19 yrs of my life, since i was in sec sch, there have been many guys after me.. yes i have liked one or two of those guys as well, but none of them were special enough for me to want to be with them and spend the rest of my life with them.. but ismail was someone special.. i chose him.. out of all the guys, i finally chose him.. the feelings i had for him were that special.. i loved him.. how can i jus say i dont feel it anymore? isnt it stupid to say such a thing? we fight with our parents, we stop talkin to them for years maybe, but will you say that you don love them anymore? no.. love is something which doesnt go away.. we jus forget the reasons why we fell in love with them in the first place.. so its torturous when ismail sends me songs and tells me things which he should not.. it kills me inside to act as if i dont feel anything.. and than he says hurtful things like, my heart is made of stone.. he is really a piece of work.. he is one person who can make me love and hurt me the most at the same time.. 

in all these years that i have known titus, i have only felt his love.. i have hurt him alot, yes but he has neve hurt me.. not that i can remember.. so why cant i love him as much as he does? think of him as the world and be willing to even sacrifice my life for him kinda love? has the experience with ismail really changed me? has it really made it into a person of stone heart? has it made me put up a shield so that i don get hurt by anyone else? i dont understand.. i try and try to sort out my feelings, understand them, but i cant.. i cant find a good reason for my feelings.. i cant find a logical reason for my feelings.. every night, spending hours trying to figure out a way to sort everything out.. get a peace of mind.. but i cant.. 

and this has made me come to a conclusion.. bottom line is i don deserve love.. i keep hurting the ones who love and care for me the most.. do they deserve that? no.. absolutely not.. wad wrong have they done? to love me.. thats all.. so i am jus gonna push them all away.. and by that i dont mean stop talkin to them.. but jus not date or get into a relationship back with any of them.. and oh please, not even thinking abt bringing anyone new into the mess i already am in.. marriage? overrated.. love? even over rated.. friends, money, family and lots of booze.. the secret to happiness.. 

I wish you can read this

Dear ismail,

well its been a few days since you talked to me.. our last convesation was when you asked me if i would choose you or titus if you were single and i said titus.. you didnt hear the reasons i had to say.. i stopped talking to you months ago, when i was talking to dinesh.. well, that went down the drain.. but anyways you vibered me when i was in sg, and i picked up before i realised it was you calling.. so from than on we talked over the phone and we met up a couple of times.. you hugged me.. and than there was the day me you and justin overnighted in your house.. things went a little out of hand first when you were screaming at me initially.. i saw the old ismail.. it kinda felt like dejavu.. us fighting.. you walking away, banging on things.. but instead of sajeev being around, there was justin.. anywayss we talked and let our emotions out.. you cried, i cried.. it felt bette after that.. we kinda let everything out.. and yes the tears i shed were you were true.. they were from deep down in my heart.. i felt everything.. but than i wipedd them off and came back to reality.. you have a gf.. and even if you dont, things will neve work out between us.. i remember the reasons why i broke up with you now.. and it will be stupid if we make the same mistake again.. yes you have changed for the bette and i have too.. but at certain times, i do see the old ismail in you.. maybe its just me.. maybe i bring out the bad side in you... i dont know.. when you broke up with your gf and called me up to tell me, did you really think i would be happy?? no.. i was not.. and i knew you would go back to her the next day or a few days later.. i even told you that.. but you told be with so much certainty that you wouldnt.. wad happened the next day? didnt you go back to her.. the reason why i chose titus is very simple.. he waited for me..yes be it many years, he still waited for me.. you told me that you waited for me, for a year but i waas with titus.. its becoz your friends were horrible.. did any one of them tried talkin to me? no.. the only person whom i trusted was sajeev and wad did he do? he cooked up stories abt you and told me and drove me further away from you... but that was not the case with titus.. his friends who were my friends, still kept contact with me.. they held on.. i held on.. although i cut all contacts with titus, there was always a possibility of us talking again which were created by his friends.. they were his true friends.. i treated titus worst than i ever did to you.. you treated me worst than any guy had treated me.. yes you still loved me.. you made me very happy, at the same time, you made me cry so much... if you say that you really still love me and want to be with me, wad are you doing with your gf? shouldnt you have broken up with her and come to me... i am not saying you should.. i am saying that, thatz how it works.. you dont have a gf, and at the same time tell me that you love me and that once you are single (which according to you, will happen soon) and than come to me.. i am not your backup plan or your gf isnt your satey net.. thatz not how love works.. you be with someone becoz you love them and want to be with them.. the reason why i chose titus is that simple.. he too has many gals coming after him.. even now he is talking to a few gals who constantly want to date him.. but is he dating them while waiting for me to make up my mind? no.. becoz the only person he waants to be with is me... thatz called love.. well.. you have stopped talking to me.. thatz good i guess.. now probably you can move on becoz i already have.. i have had my closure.. maybe now you can be sincere to your gf.. well all the best.. and i hope you dont do this again.. :)

yours once upon a time,

Shakthee