mortality

heard the most fucked up news today morning.. woke up and was ready when thiru messaged in the group chat that sree jumped from his block.. was rushed to nuh.. and ruby left work to go see wad happened.. in an hr or so, the news that he passed away came.. everything happened so fast.. jus in a matter of hrs, we have lost someone.. someone dear to us.. someone who was there during our joyous moments.. someone i shared drinks with.. still remember the time when i went to sg for holidays and sree called me up to meet him up in rp.. he was currently studying in rp.. i went during his break time with a couple of drinks and we chilled in the park.. hahaha it was really fun.. we were jus talkin nonsense and chilling.. he had the brightest smile.. and he was such a vijay fan.. could neve understand why.. we tend to start arguing on why i hated vijay.. he would get all so emotional in defending vijay.. 2011 new yr was spent together.. it was my first new yr spent with the guys and it was EPIC!!!! the time when we all became close.. fun times when all of us met up so often.. i don understand wad must have happened in between that made that happy go lucky person to do such a thing.. why werent we not there for him? where did we all go when a fren needed us? crying and suffering in silence.. 

we take advantage of everything.. everyone so simply.. just becoz they are just around the corner.. and when they are gone forever, we miss them.. i have already been feeling like that the past month.. titus.. becoz of him.. i don know.. i literally feel lost.. is this the process of "finding myself"? i dont know.. i literally wake up each morning and wonder how i am gonna go through this day.. i try and occupy myself till night comes where i jus wanna sleep and end off the day.. and the cycle repeats... is it becoz i am all alone here? no boys.. no sis to talk to.. i am in literal isolation.. except for fb and watsapp.. i don talk to anyone.. i don feel like leaving the room.. i jus wanna see my family, my frens.. i wanna finish my honours.. first class of coz... i mean don think that i am slackin off on sch work.. apart from that.. i think my uni and project are the only things keeping me sane at this point of time.. everything else jus seems like a 'i don know'... my brain jus thinks abt titus and dinesh.. i jus try to analyse my feeling over and over again.. and i try not to do it.. so i keep my brain blank becoz i know i cant find an answer to any of the questions that are popping in my head.. blank.. black and empty... what has happened to me? what has happened to the shakthee i love, who had an answer for everything? where have i gone? wad has happened to me these yrs..

all these attachments.. we are gonna lose it one day.. sooner or later, everything is gonna be gone.. everyone is gonna be gone.. why am i holding on to these things, emotions too dearly? why cant i jus let go of everything.. be one with myself? this soul.. wads my purpose in this earth? why was i put here? i am sure it wasnt to jus fall in love and have a family.. knowing that, than why am i so involved in it? why can i jus discard all these unwanted "materials" and be somewhere where i don need to face anything? 

too many questions, too many thoughts, too many feelings, and not a single answer.. pls god guide me.. save me.. tell me wad to do, wad to feel.. show me the way.. save me from this pit-hole.. 

MEN!!

i really dont get it.. ismail been texting me continuously these past few days.. saying how much he loves me and stuff.. but i usually jus reply him with a smiley face.. i think he got pissed off today and told me that i am always hurting him and all that.. that i messaged him a compo saying that 'i love you' are not jus words to be thrown around.. it represents something more.. there are not jus words but has an unspoken meaning behind it.. than he said i jus don understand how he feels.. i really don get it.. why say i love you and that you cannot forget me and will always love me when you have a gf? why tell me that those moments we kissed and made out are the best? if you feel that way, shouldnt you be with me? as in break up with his gf? i am not asking him to.. i don wan him to.. but thats the sensible thing to do right? like you feel like someone was way better and maybe even the best person you fell in love with, why are you with another person? i think its stupid..

and then there is titus whom i have had not contact for abt a month now.. been thinking abt him almost everyday.. short moments.. i jus shun the thoughts away.. really tempted to contact him.. but wad shanker said keeps ringing in my ear.. I HAVE TO BE STRONG!!! there is one person who has to be strong.. and i have to be that person.. if its meant to be, it will be.. i don know if he got back together with rukshini.. i have a strong feeling he has.. but you know wad, i know i am always the best.. i am too awesome and irreplaceable . he WILL come back crawling to me.. i think.. but if he does, this time around, i will take it as a sign.. 

and dinesh.. well we have been talking and things are going smoothly.. but i keep getting reminded of eat,pray, love quote where it says that soul mates are neve supposed to be together.. they come into your life, break you out of your shell and than leave... they are the most important ppl in your life. maybe thats how dinesh is to me.. i don know.. we are like two peas in a pod.. our similarities often freak us both out.. but than we had a conversation randomly abt children.. not so random.. i kinda directed the conversation towards that path becoz i really don want kids and i don wanna "cheat" someone.. in the future when things get all serious, than i don wanna say "oh i don wanna have kids" becoz thats not something ppl can compromise.. its their life, the rest of their life.. i cant steal that from someone.. and dinesh felt very strongly abt wanting kids which now makes me think alot.. maybe we will jus date and see how things go when i am back in sg..

and ppl say women are complicating.. come on guys, if you wan something, go get it.. don sit there and complain abt things.. am i jus too guyish? or are the guys i meet too in touch with their feminine side? i wonder........

ahhhh

ahhhhhhhh waliao.. today so many things happening sia.. aiyo.. my head like gonna burst.. so titus has broekn up with rukshini.. and he messaged me that.. i have become the bitch that split the loving couple now.. yea he break up with her why must come and tell me sia.. to maake me feel guilty and shitty.. wad the hell does he wan from me.. he wanna leave me and go right.. go la.. bloody hell why the hell must he come and tell me.. to tell me that becoz of me they broke up? i ruined his life once more? wtf sia.. he wanna throw me away throw me la.. if he can so easily jus leave me and go.. and good! go!!!! aarrgghhh wad does he wan!!!!!!! i wanna cry.. jus cry my eyes out.. but  am too tipsy to do it.. -_- aiyo intha love shit-eh vendaam.. i wanna jus  live my life volunteering and helping ppl..  i wanna become sanyaasi.. _/\_ vanakam

i don know, i really dont

titus has gotten a gf.. initially i was relieved when i heard it from suresh... neve bothered talkin to him for quite some time.. 3 days go, he messaged me.. we talked a little.. i really cant do it.. its like there has always been this sentimental pen on you table.. you neve use it.. neve bothered if it was there or not.. it didnt matter if it was there.. you neve used it.. but one day, it got lost.. than you knew how much you valued it.. how much it means to you.. but its too late becoz its lost.. thats exactly how i am feeling.. i HATE it when he talked to me abt rukshini.. i don even wanna think abt him huggin her or kissin her or any shit like that.. and when we talk, thatz all i can think abt.. but to think that he actually accepted to go on with her, just shows that he really does wanna move on.. so i cannot tell him not to go.. all i asked for was 1 yr.. he waited for me for 4 yrs, i know its unfair for me to ask him to wait another yr.. wait for something which might or might not happen.. i know he should move on.. why the hell couldnt he have done that long time ago.. after all these while, after all that we have shared and gone through.. 

he was the one person whom i had that much of intimate connection with.. one person i slept with.. how can i even think abt him touching another gal.. for the first time, i am feeling hurt beyond words, feeling jealous.. this is not me..

i told him yesterday, after crying on the phone to shanker, i called titus and told him that i don wanna talk to him ever again, and i don wan him to talk to me ever again.. it was difficult as hell.. but i know it had to be done.. coz he is someone else's now.. i don wanna be the person who ruined their relationship.. i cant imagine the hurt and pain the gal would feel.. so I had to be strong and tell him no.. but he said are you sure? i said yes and he simply jus said ok.. thats it!!! all these yrs.. all the things we have shared.. its that simple to throw me away? how shitty is that.. 

jus 1 yr so that i can come back sg and make a right choice.. i don wanna do the whole back in sg, than in aus and i change my mind kind shit... i need to settle down in my life as in i need to start a job and know where my life is going before i can make any decision right? how can i make a decision, a life long commitment when i am in aus? but he couldnt wait, which i dont blame him for..

so now he is gone.. it hurts like hell.. i am actually crying.. i have not cried for anyone other than ismail and titus... it hurts so much.. and to make it worst, i don even have my friends around to distract me.. i am all alone here and it makes this shit even worst to handle.. 

yesterday night, dinesh messaged me saying he heard something abt me in the whole titus and rukshini story and i wasnt the good guy.. today i called him and he told he that apparently there are things going around saying that i am still in love with titus, and i keep calling him and i an asking him for financial assistance.. WTF!!!!! wad the hell is happening . i am hundreds of miles from sg, and there are shit going around abt me.. and i am the one who was being the good person and asking titus to be nice to rukshini so that she wont get hurt all.. and now i am the bad person???? I AM ASKING HIM FOR MONEY!!???? wad nonsense.. so before i could even tell shanker abt this, titus messaged me telling he needs to talk to me urgently.. i am wondering wtf.. how does he know something happened.. and i called and i started ranting abt how its becoz he is not making his gf happy, she is bitching abt me.. and he called her and she was denying the whole thing.. and he called me back being all pissed.. its like some typical indian drama bullshit.. and i didnt wan all these shit you see.. all i wanted was him to fuck off from my life since he decided to go with another gal and be nice to her for gods sake.. so that she wont take the frustration on me.. anyway shanker called him and calmed him down i think and i am not gonna do any shit abt this.. i am gonna put this behind me and move on.. i am gonna be the bigger person.. i am 24, i am not gonna get affected abt a 21 yr old.. not gonna get sucked into that drama shit.. this is bullshit.. total bullshit.. 

i know that even if she looks like me, no one can replace me.. coz i am that awesome.. i am one and only shakthee.. i am special.. and he will neve love any other gal like he loved me coz i am jus too awesome.. :))) LEGEN wait for it DARY..... 

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

when in need of serious help

sometimes issues will pick the worst moments to pop up in my life.. so many things will happen at the same time.. sometimes in times like this, you will look for someone whom you can talk to.. all you need is that one person to listen to you and give you solutions.. 

i have tons of friends.. heaps.. but the funny thing is that, when i think of someone to talk to, someone to cry to, someone who would give me ideas or solutions to my issues, i can think of so few.. less than 5 maybe.. the sad part is that if i do call, some will say things like "you call me when you need something, if not you will forget me".. you see, its not like that.. this usually happens when i go back to sg.. i have very little time.. and i usually plan most of my days ahead so that i can make full use of the time i have in sg.. and well lets face it, i am jus a student who is in sg for my holidays.. i don have much cash in my hands.. all, well most of them are working so when they are out, they will suggest places which needs money.. sooooo i don meet them.. if i say this, will they understand? nah i doubt it.. 

and than there is titus, well he is not really a person i would go to for my problems.. he is a very good listener.. but not a person to give advice AT ALL... he will try and crack some lame ass joke to make me laugh and it will jus irritate the shit out of me coz well, its not the friggin time for it.. i am not jus upset abt something.. i need some advice.. but he doesnt get it.. he is not a give solutions kinda person.. 

the best person to talk to, kalei, well she has so much problems of her own, i would neve wanna burden her with mine... kalei and i take the meaning of best friends to a whole new level.. not only is our character alike, we tend to have the same kinda problems with guys..

and than there are the guys, well i dont tell them any of my problems so it will jus be too awkward.. i neve had the need to tell them my problems becoz firstly they are guys.. they don really talk abt their problems and secondly, they always make me laugh when i am down so i am kinda neve sad when i am with them.. 

shanker, he is busy with ns and dinesh.... well dinesh is not really a solution giver and also he will neve talk to me coz he hates me and i think he made that pretty clear....but he says i give really good advices and solutions.. when i tell him my problem.. oh brother, he gets affected by them and a few days later, he will tell you that he is confused becoz of your problem and voila, you jus got yourself more problems.. i guess there it is.. i am there for everyone.. so many ppl depend on me for something.. but what abt me? wad if i need someone to depend on.. let me correct that.. i need someone to depend on.. if i am the whole package for ppl ( guys who date me) than is there anything wrong in me finding for the same thing? i am the guy in a relationship, i am the gal in the relationship.. than wad the hell are you for?? so is there anything wrong when i expect a guy who is double the guy? someone who can dominate and take me under control (when needed)? anyone has what it takes to tame a wild horse?

don even get me started on ismail... i will start telling him something and the next thing you know, i will be consoling him for his petty problems and i will be wondering, how and when in the world did we start talkin abt you? so with him, its always abt him..

do i need it? no.. its not that i cant handle it.. sometimes when things get too overwhelming, its exhausting to be all alone in it.. talking to that one person whom you know will be there for you, take heaps off the burden on your shoulder.. i guess its jus me and you eh blog.. i guess it helps me a little to write down all these.. kinda like i am talkin to someone abt it right.. its like a math problem.. you try and try to solve it in your head and things jus get more and more confusing.. you don have to ask someone abt it but all it take is for you to write them down..the moment you write it down, suddenly it starts looking clearer to you.. solve one part at a time and your solution is right there.. jus have to take one step at a time.. i try my best to not think too much abt it.. worry too much.. its not like i can do anything abt it being here in aus.. i jus have to pray and hope.. pray for guidance and pray to god to be there for my family when i cant be there for them.. i know he hears me.. he always does.. things always work out well in the end.. jus becoz the process to it is a little rough, does not mean he is not there for you, holding your hand all the way.. 

cheer up shakthee.. everything is gonna be alright.. don worry abt things which are not in your control.. everything that has led up to now is due to your actions.. your choices and decisions.. don regret and wonder why he is behaving like this or that.. this is wad you chose.. suck it up and get through this.. feel wadever you wanna feel.. doesnt matter how shitty you feel.. as long as you don hurt another person again and as long as the wounds you have caused on someone heals and they move on.. do wad you have to do to get through it.. in the end, nothing lasts.. we are jus temporary beings in this temporary world.. ultimate happiness awaits..

wondering mind

the moments spent in utter loneliness are the worst.. so many things running through your head.. thoughts which you keep suppressing jus creeps its way into your mind.. no matter how much you try to distract yourself, it always finds its way.. and the moment it enters your head, it jus clings on and never allows you to be at peace.. well this is my moment now..

its been two weeks of living alone.. heart breaking... a week back, had a long chat with my sis until 6am.. made me question so much abt love, life, marriage especially.. 

as the youngest child/cousin in the family, well not including renu, coz she is too young, i have had the opportunity to learn alot from my cousins and family members.. the mistakes they have done, the things they have done right.. and i have seen alot.. its sad at times.. why wasnt there anyone to help them? teach them? guide them? as how they have made a difference in my life.. it has made me think abt what a marriage is all abt..is it enough to just love a person? i doubt it.. you have to not only love the person, but the family as well.. love aside, respect is very crucial.. wads the point in loving someone when you dont respect them? take them for granted? and is money all that matters? i guess its not jus one aspect or the other.. its bits of everything.. its like a really good curry (sorry for the association of curry but my room-mate is cooking something yummy and i am starving), its not jus one ingredient which predominates, its a little of everything.. and you have to ensure there is a balance of everything.. too much salt or too much chili will ruin the taste of it..

and than with all these thoughts lingering in my head, the guys in my life are not making it any easier for me.. or to put it into better words, i am not making it easy on myself becoz of the guys in my life.. there was something which i came across which i thought was jus so perfect.. " don hurt someone's feelings becoz you are confused abt your own"... i have done it soo much.. 

i used to remember very vaguely the times where i loved myself.. loved my life.. loved how i turned out given the things that has happened in my life since i was young.. but now that feeling seems like a distant memory.. i cant seem to remember how it felt to love myself.. frankly, i hate who i am.. who i have become.. a selfish person who is very confused abt myself.. 

but than i wonder, when you have fallen in love with someone, how do you not feel anything for them even if it has been years? and is it wrong to not fall in love again? so does it mean that it is normal to be in love with more than one person at a time? if this is so, than why does everyone say its wrong? why has it always been portrayed as this is something extremely wrong? why has our mind been conditioned in this manner? yes i loved ismail.. love jus doesnt go away.. its something you felt once.. truly, deeply.. there is nothing wrong in that.. he was not right for me, i fell in love with someone else.. yes i love titus as well, truly.. and things were not really working out.. than i found dinesh.. this perfect person.. but in person, he turned out so different.. he became someone i didnt recognise.. whenever i was with him, i felt like we were strangers.. but whenever i see him online or his status on fb, he is like the most perfect person for me.. why? why is this so? 

and fine, ismail has a gf.. i get it.. i tried moving away.. he kept clinging on and somehow managed to come into my life again.. no matter how many times i try to explain why he cant say things like i love you and stuff, he doesnt understand.. fine if he wants me in his life, i will, but jus as a fren.. i have told him a million times.. is it easy for me? no! not at all.. he was special to me.. in 19 yrs of my life, since i was in sec sch, there have been many guys after me.. yes i have liked one or two of those guys as well, but none of them were special enough for me to want to be with them and spend the rest of my life with them.. but ismail was someone special.. i chose him.. out of all the guys, i finally chose him.. the feelings i had for him were that special.. i loved him.. how can i jus say i dont feel it anymore? isnt it stupid to say such a thing? we fight with our parents, we stop talkin to them for years maybe, but will you say that you don love them anymore? no.. love is something which doesnt go away.. we jus forget the reasons why we fell in love with them in the first place.. so its torturous when ismail sends me songs and tells me things which he should not.. it kills me inside to act as if i dont feel anything.. and than he says hurtful things like, my heart is made of stone.. he is really a piece of work.. he is one person who can make me love and hurt me the most at the same time.. 

in all these years that i have known titus, i have only felt his love.. i have hurt him alot, yes but he has neve hurt me.. not that i can remember.. so why cant i love him as much as he does? think of him as the world and be willing to even sacrifice my life for him kinda love? has the experience with ismail really changed me? has it really made it into a person of stone heart? has it made me put up a shield so that i don get hurt by anyone else? i dont understand.. i try and try to sort out my feelings, understand them, but i cant.. i cant find a good reason for my feelings.. i cant find a logical reason for my feelings.. every night, spending hours trying to figure out a way to sort everything out.. get a peace of mind.. but i cant.. 

and this has made me come to a conclusion.. bottom line is i don deserve love.. i keep hurting the ones who love and care for me the most.. do they deserve that? no.. absolutely not.. wad wrong have they done? to love me.. thats all.. so i am jus gonna push them all away.. and by that i dont mean stop talkin to them.. but jus not date or get into a relationship back with any of them.. and oh please, not even thinking abt bringing anyone new into the mess i already am in.. marriage? overrated.. love? even over rated.. friends, money, family and lots of booze.. the secret to happiness.. 

I wish you can read this

Dear ismail,

well its been a few days since you talked to me.. our last convesation was when you asked me if i would choose you or titus if you were single and i said titus.. you didnt hear the reasons i had to say.. i stopped talking to you months ago, when i was talking to dinesh.. well, that went down the drain.. but anyways you vibered me when i was in sg, and i picked up before i realised it was you calling.. so from than on we talked over the phone and we met up a couple of times.. you hugged me.. and than there was the day me you and justin overnighted in your house.. things went a little out of hand first when you were screaming at me initially.. i saw the old ismail.. it kinda felt like dejavu.. us fighting.. you walking away, banging on things.. but instead of sajeev being around, there was justin.. anywayss we talked and let our emotions out.. you cried, i cried.. it felt bette after that.. we kinda let everything out.. and yes the tears i shed were you were true.. they were from deep down in my heart.. i felt everything.. but than i wipedd them off and came back to reality.. you have a gf.. and even if you dont, things will neve work out between us.. i remember the reasons why i broke up with you now.. and it will be stupid if we make the same mistake again.. yes you have changed for the bette and i have too.. but at certain times, i do see the old ismail in you.. maybe its just me.. maybe i bring out the bad side in you... i dont know.. when you broke up with your gf and called me up to tell me, did you really think i would be happy?? no.. i was not.. and i knew you would go back to her the next day or a few days later.. i even told you that.. but you told be with so much certainty that you wouldnt.. wad happened the next day? didnt you go back to her.. the reason why i chose titus is very simple.. he waited for me..yes be it many years, he still waited for me.. you told me that you waited for me, for a year but i waas with titus.. its becoz your friends were horrible.. did any one of them tried talkin to me? no.. the only person whom i trusted was sajeev and wad did he do? he cooked up stories abt you and told me and drove me further away from you... but that was not the case with titus.. his friends who were my friends, still kept contact with me.. they held on.. i held on.. although i cut all contacts with titus, there was always a possibility of us talking again which were created by his friends.. they were his true friends.. i treated titus worst than i ever did to you.. you treated me worst than any guy had treated me.. yes you still loved me.. you made me very happy, at the same time, you made me cry so much... if you say that you really still love me and want to be with me, wad are you doing with your gf? shouldnt you have broken up with her and come to me... i am not saying you should.. i am saying that, thatz how it works.. you dont have a gf, and at the same time tell me that you love me and that once you are single (which according to you, will happen soon) and than come to me.. i am not your backup plan or your gf isnt your satey net.. thatz not how love works.. you be with someone becoz you love them and want to be with them.. the reason why i chose titus is that simple.. he too has many gals coming after him.. even now he is talking to a few gals who constantly want to date him.. but is he dating them while waiting for me to make up my mind? no.. becoz the only person he waants to be with is me... thatz called love.. well.. you have stopped talking to me.. thatz good i guess.. now probably you can move on becoz i already have.. i have had my closure.. maybe now you can be sincere to your gf.. well all the best.. and i hope you dont do this again.. :)

yours once upon a time,

Shakthee

what the hell am i thinking

argghhh.. why does this always happen when i come back to sg.. seriously.. i keep myself so strong and think that i can handle it when i am there but the moment i am here, all my will power basically goes out the window.. i wonder if i will ever get over this feeling.. i think i will.. i hope i do.. its inevitable for me to go near titus's house.. my close friend stays there so i cant stop myself from going there.. and every single time, after dropping him off, when i go pass titus house, all the memories will rush back (not that those were ever gone) and i will be so tempted to do the stupidest things eg call him up or sit under his blk hoping to see him..

i did something midly stupid the day before yesterday.. sandiran called me and told me he and a few others were hanging out and asked me to join them.. i said okie for two reasons, coz i jus wanted to hang out and secondly coz i was hoping to see him.. why? or what i will do after seeing him? i had no idea.. i didnt even think abt it.. i know the onsequences would have been bad.. really bad.. but at that point of time, i jus didnt care.. now that i have a bf as of 26th nov.. its like i know i am not supposed to do some things and not feel some things.. i guess its keeping me under control.. but am i not supposed to feel all these in the first place..

in the cab, shanker was like, "shakthee you are playing a dangerous game" and i realised that i am doing something i am seriously not supposed to be doing.. argghhh why????? why cant i jus be happy with one guy.. i have the most amazing guy with me and i am thinkin abt titus.. i sat down to think why i am feeling this way.. i realised that i am not thinkin abt the reasons why i broke up with titus.. the reason why we went our seperate ways.. i am jus feeling wad i want to feel.. which is totally dumb.. maybe i jus want something i caant have.. the more it looks appealing to me and the more i want it..

i definitely know that if i do get back together with titus, i will regret it.. AGAIN... like i always do.. maybe its a feeling of comfort being with titus.. he is my confort zone, he was someone who knew me very well and was there for me.. i guess he is jus someone familiar to me.. now when i think abt dinesh, there is no memories yet.. we have to create those memories and probably i wont think abt titus after that coz i wont have the need to.. until than i think i jus have to control myself from not doing anything stupid and try to distract myself as much as possible..

sometimes i wonder if i am jus fickle minded with guys.. like maybe i keep picking on stuff and finding reasons to break up with them becoz i may be afraid of commitment? maybe i am afraid i might be missing out on something bette? maybe i have this illusion of a perfect relationsship of marriage and when i see someone who lacks one or two of those "requirements" i feel that they are the one.. maybe my mind is just filled with nonsense abt what a perfect relationship is all about.. is that what is ruinging my life? i remember being very happy when i was with titus in the whole "go with the flow" relationship.. things started getting bad when i started to think that i want to marry this guy.. when things started to get serious.. i wonder if that is considered fear of commitment.. coz i realise that happens to me alot.. i get really scared when things start getting serious.. shit.. i cant believe i am like that.. i never thought that would be a problem for me.. i dont know wad i am supposed to do.. what should be my next step.. i dont want to hurt dinesh like i how i hurt titus.. i am not gonna have that on my conscience as well..

for now, i have got to stop thinking abt titus.. i am indeed walking on dangerous ground..

'Happy' is just an understatement

well hehehehe god i cant stop smiling to myself or giggling whenever i think abt dinesh.. he used to be from rp as well.. and i got to know him this yr through ragu.. i really have to built a temple for him.. hahahah

its like we just have sooo much to talk abt and he makes me laugh.. laugh like a looney.. no one (other than my close friends) have made me laugh this much.. i LOVE talking to him.. we just talk for hrs and hrs and than we would pause and we will start laughing becoz we would be talking abt the most ridiculous nonsensical things.. and than we would continue talking abt absolute nonsense again.. i just feel so comfortable with him.. i dont have to try and impress him in any way.. and the amazing thing is that we gets impressed by me without me even trying.. how often does that happen right.. and same for him.. he tells me that he feels like he can be himself with me and that its so easy to talk to me.. :)))

i love how we have soo much things in common to the extend it gets so freaky.. he loves irish music!! seriously, the first person i know who loves irish music and listen to enya.. how perfect.. we will be just talking abt ramdom things and we will realise we love the same thing.. and we will bursst out laughing.. we both find it really amazing that we have sooooo much things in common.. perfect i tell you.. we connect on so many levels.. 

the first time i talked to him, i really liked his voice... its been very long since i actually noticed someone's voice.. and i dont know wad abt his voice that i jus love.. it has something which jus makes me wanna listen to it all night long.. i know it sounds super cheesy but i cant deny wad it is.. we are almost too similar in character as well.. things we like, our perspective, views, so much.. i love how he is very close to his family, love how he respects his elders, loves how he has a kind heart, love how he loves animals, loves how he knows how to party and at the same time study as well, love how he has knows the balance in life, love how he knows what he wants in life.. and the list goes on..

i feel so connected with him and i jus cant wait to see him.. seriously.. i feel so blessed to know him and finally have someone in my life i can connect with so much.. i feel like a sec sch gal whenever i talk to him.. haha all giggly and retarded.. he makes my heart skip a beat.. literally.. and gives me the butterfly in the tummy feeling.. makes me smile at my laptop like i am insane and makes me want to talk to him every night.. 

its amazing how you meet someone so unexpectedly.. we have been in the same poly for 3 yrs.. we have seen each other around alot, but never knew how much we are alike and that one day, after 3 yrs, we will be talking to each other.. life is full of surprises isnt it.. but maybe its a good thing that i am talking to him now.. after the experiences and things i went through with ismail and titus.. i am more ready mentally and emotionally (maybe) to be with someone.. i know what to do, what not to do, how to handle situations and be with someone.. i am have def learnt alot in life and i would def say that i look at life and relationships very differently.. i have grown up.. maybe now i am ready to be with someone.. things happen in life for a reason.. i guess no matter how painful the lessons were, they mould you and make you the person you are.. it might be for the better or for the worst.. it depends on how you take the lessons.. i am glad i talked to ismail again, glad i know wad i have left behind and why i did it.. yes wad i felt for him, the memoires are still with me.. but after how he behaved, i realised he is not worth my emotions at all.. memories are there but i wont let it affect me.. i really hope titus moves on in life as well.. i am very sure he will.. i hope its soon.. :) 

everyday is a bight new day, i wake up with a smile on my face and look forward to the day as i know i will get to talk to him yet again.. i dont know wad you call this feeling.. but i know there is def something.. i have yet to explore this.. time will show me the way.. i think both dinesh and i know once we meet up.. counting down to the days till i get to see him..

hollow shell

everything is going all fine.. than out of no where there is this sudden feeling of emptiness.. i am jus lying down in bed, and somehow i feel like i am all alone.. all lone in this huge world... maybe its beco i am far away from home.. maybe i am just missing my loved ones.. or maybe i am jus feeling empty coz i dont have someone with me, someone to love, to care for,  who would care for me.. i am ready, so ready to give my love... to live with a person i love.. alot of my friends are terrified of the thought of getting married.. and that makes me think, if i have someone who i just love to bits and i know tht we are meant to be together, that nothing should worry or scare me right.. if i have that someone, and i know the age and time is right, i would be more than ready to get married and spend the rest of my life with him... i mean shouldnt that wad love mean? my friends are in a friggin relationhip for 4 or 5 yrs but they still say "i am not ready to get married, or maybe she is not the one" which makes me wanna totally slap them.. if you think they are not the right one, than wad the hell re you doin being with them?? arent you jus wasting their time?? seriously, cant you wake up!!!

i was talking to my best friend kalei a few days back.. we were just updating each other on our happenings.. and she is was telling me abt this guy.. i know him since day one.. that was in secondary sch.. for almost 10 yrs they have been having this whole confused relationship.. alot like what me and ismail have.. friends yet not friends.. its shit i tell you.. and talking abt ismail, that bugger didnt even wish me for my bday.. i am not gonna say anything though.. maybe this is how we will fallout.. which is a good thing i guess.. i don wanna be his mistress.. yet i know that i cant say no to him when he talks all sweet to me.. i am such an idiot when it comes to love.. i may talk all big and look all tough but i really am not.. 

than there is titus.. yesterday (on my bday) he messaged me that he neve wants to talk to me again.. and than in the afternoon he messaged me and said how sorry he was and that he was super drunk and all.. than i asked him what made him say such a thing and he said that he knows that i am neve gonna go back to him, and that he feels like he is desperately coming after me.. that he cant move on.. and he is trying but does not know how to.. he asked me when i will move on, and i told him, "when you stop talkin to me or when you move on" and than i added on "or when the time is right" he replied "you mean when you find the right guy" and i said yes.. so he knows that he is not the "right guy" for me.. and he knows that i am jus waiting for the right guy.. i felt so shitty coz it really sounded like "hey you know wad, i am using you until i find someone else, than i am nto gonna talk to you anymore".. i am such a horrible person.. than it got me thinking, why do i keep going back to him? why do i need to talk to him so bad? maybe he like aa best friend to me, maybe he is someone i cn talk to abt anything.. i know he will always be there for me.. so maybe i jus need the comfort and assurance.. i know i keep going back to him coz he loves me alot and when shit hppens in my life, i jus need the love.. i jus need to feel love and i go back to him.. and when everything goes okie in my life, i realise i dont need him and dump him.. horrible horrible being.. if only i can keep myself under control.. all this loniness, i hate it.. who likes to feel lonely right.. and than i see some of my friends being so happy in a relationship.. all lovey dovey and stuff.. and i go like "i want that".. i want someone who i can proudly say is my bf.. someone i know my family and friends approve of.. yes i have this need to please ppl.. i need approval from my family and friends.. one of those problems i have.. i cant live for myself.. 

state of confusion.. do i wanna be here or do i wanna go back to a place where i know comfort, familiarity, somewhere i know its my home..another major confusion.. i wan to be at both places.. its like you have not eaten or drank anything in 10 days and someone asks you to chose between either water or food.. but you cant have both.. its a nightmare.. why do things become so complicating as the yrs go buy.. bdays arent jus abt presents and party and cake anymore.. its more of "shit another yr older, by 26, i wanna have my own place, engaged and settle down, which leaves me another 3 yrs.. and it takes abt 3 yrs for me to get comfortable with a guy and trust him and know him in and out for me to get married.. this means that i have to find a guy right now!!!" WTF right.. so many things still unknown and so little time left.. its like i know that life altering things are gonna happen anytime soon, and i have to be ready enough to embrace it.. wads gonna happen next? who am i gonna meet? what job am i gonna take? which is more important, comfort zone of comfort of living? jus thinking abt all this makes me wanna kill myself.. or better alternative, drown in booze.. -_-

maybe jus maybe

i thik i finally understand what ismail means by lets be friends.. maybe.... i mean when i put myself in his shoes, i think i will do the same.. if i am already in a relationship with someone i love, and ismail comes into my life again, of coz i will feel all the emotions rushing back, but i will not forgo what i have with my bf, the person i love for ismail.. my time with him has passed, he has a new chapter in his life and its wrong of me to expect him to open an old chapter..

anyways, although i do love him, i broke up with him for a reason.. we were talkin yesterday and i was jus being my usual nonsensical self.. and he kinda got freaked out.. haha he told me i am talking as if my life has ended as asked me to be my old self again.. than at the monent i reaslied how much i have changed.. i dont know why i have changed but i am not the person i used to be when i was with him.. no more the carefree person i used to be.. i had not a worry in my life.. well except for FYP but compared to the things that run in my head now and the things which i constantly worry abt, FYP is seriously nothing.. i guess as you grow older, you will definitely change and sometimes its hard for a person seeing after so long to accept the change.. if i ask my friends who have been with me throughout these yrs, they will say i am the same person, coz we have grown together..

but to tell the truth, i do miss how i used to me.. i dont like worrying abt things.. he said something that kinda woke me up.. he said it in context with something else, but it was like, what he said was an answer to somehing else in my head.. he said "you made mistakes, learn from it and dont repeat it".. true, it was very true.. i made a mistake in my past by being with ismail, i have learnt from it and now i want to make the same mistake again... which is stupid.. i should not make the same mistake right.. i mean we were not right for each other.. yes he has changed, and i have changed but if we were to be together now, it will be totally different.. it wont be the same relationship that i want.. true that we might be able to handle problems better and work things out better but maybe thats not what i want..

like i told him, i am in a state of confusion for the past 4 yrs.. i think he understood it as more becoz of him but i was referring to titus.. i dont know, soo many things has happend these yrs that i jus dont care abt anything anymore.. he told me that i will find love again.. of coz i know that.. i am so lovable.. :P but to tell the truth, i dont care.. happiness does not only rely on being in love or getting married.. there is more to life than that.. it does not mean that if you don find love, your life is miserable.. thatz just nonsense.. i can always just travel around the wrold like i have always wanted.. things change, your opionons and priorities change.. thatz life..

and than after this whole huge argument in my head, i told myself, shakthee who the hell are you kidding you do want to find love, you want to feel loved and thatz the truth.. yes i talk big, i know what is right and what i should do, but you dont always do the right actions.. i can be this strong person on the outside.. but i am a real softie inside.. and only people who know me so well can know when i am bullshitting.. hahaha..

i am trying very hard to let go, i am getting better.. i feel like i can jus be his friend.. but i dont know how i am gonna feel once i see him.. but if he wants to me to his friend than yes i will be.. i cant force a person to love me back.. i cant force anything.. its over means its over.. i should just put all the past memories aside and look at him like a new person whom i got to know..  a new friend.. yes thatz what i am gonna do.. i am not gonna think abt anything else.. i am happy.. happy thoughts shakthee happy thoughts.. like i always say, have fun, stay happy and keep smiling no matter what happens.. the lesser people know abt you, the better.. that way, i wont feel vulnerable.. yup jus block it out.. :D

you and i

yesterday was jus crazy.. ismail and i were skyping.. all was going fine.. i mean the idiot was jus making me blush and blush.. hahaha i couldnt even look at his face properly without giving that stupid wide smile.. jus his smile was enough.. haizzz i could literally feel myself melting.. how does he do it.. seriously.. and he was soo sweet.. we were sending songs to each other and reminiscing abt the past.. it was really nice.. than it started getting quite sad.. his gf called and he went off screen to talk to her.. it was only for a min but reality bitch slapped me, he was not mine anymore.. i didnt say anything though..

the weird thing i realised was that titus and i were together for such a long long time but he neve could read my emotions.. like when i was down, even the slightest bit.. i mean of coz he knew when i was really down coz it will be all over my face.. but the small moments when i feel disturbed or something, titus could neve see it.. but ismail on the other hand, even though we were only together for 3 months, he can immediately pick up when i am down or feeling disturbed.. even if it is over the phone.. he knew me so well.. and he cared so much.. like he will keep asking and asking until i tell him.. yes it was annoying at times when i jus wanna be left alone.. but it jus showed that he cared so much.. he saw that yesterday in me.. he asked me what was bothering but i jus said nothin and continued smiling and talking abt something else.. than he jus looked at me straight and told me, "you can smile and laugh but i can see the pain in your eyes shakthee, don lie to me, coz you suck at it".. i was quite shocked for a moment.. i forgot how much he could read my face.. but i told him, i am not ready to talk abt it... and reluctantly he dropped the subject..

and than he said something.. something that just touched my heart.. i saw his eyes welling up a little but he jus controlled it.. he thought i didnt notice.. i tried controlling my tears, i could feel it coming.. i was looking all over the screen except to meet his eyes.. but i jus could take it.. went off screen and broke down.. it was shitty i tell you.. helpless, shitty, lonely feeling.. like there was jus, no one else for me kinda feeling.. i came back to the screen and saw that ismail was missing.. after a few mins he came back.. he told me he went for a smoke.. that liar.. who is he kidding.. his eyes were watery and his face was just red.. like i don know him.. we were jus staring into each other's face for the next 5 mins or so.. i mean i really don know what the both of us are doing... it was jus so bad... so much feeling locked up.. i don know wad i am gonna do when i see him.. am i gonna be filled with joy, am i gonna break down infront of him, what am i gonna do..

*_*

i really dont know what to do with myself.. i am extremely happy.. but as much as i am happy, i am miserable.. everyday i am waiting to talk to ismail.. i asked him for his gf pic today.. he sent me.. she looks pretty.. they would look good together.. i suddenly felt jealous.. i dont get jealous.. not me.. but i realised today, that i am like other gals.. i do get jealous.. and its not the haha i am jealous but it made me realise i cant be with ismail.. he is no longer mine.. why am i waiting for his call.. why do i feel like my day is incomplete without talking to him.. without hearing his voice.. without him saying my name.. 

wad am i expecting him to do?? really.. what am I doing?? the more i talk to him, the more i yearn to be with him.. but the more i realise i cant.. how long is this gonna go on?? i am hurting myself.. i really feel like telling him i cant do this, i feel like telling him that i cant just be his friend.. but i cant bring myself to do it.. i feel like i just got him back and i cant bear to lose him again.. but really, are we jus gonna continue this "secret affair"??? for how long??? i feel a little sick thinking that i am someone's secret.. but i cant stop myself from talking to him.. why cant he just chose me.. but no, i should not think that way.. i am sure the girl loves him so much.. how can i think of them splitting up?? and even the thought of him telling her i love you, or holding her hand or kissing her.. i cant accept it.. no, not my ismail.. how can he be someone else.. but thatz the reality isnt it..

but how can ismail say he loves me and tell the other girl that he loves her too.. thatz like 2 timing isnt it?? 

i feel like a home wrecker.. i neve thought i will be ONE OF THEM... shit.. this is shit.. 

maybe its karma.. maybe its becoz i hurt titus.. maybe this is how he yearned for me and maybe this is god's way of punishing me.. its painful.. this feeling.. i feel helpless... the pain of wanting so badly, yet you know you cant have it.. why cant i jus cut out my heart and throw it away.. or jus drop dead..jus sleep and never wake up.. sweet serenity of death..

DONE!!!!!

well finally its done.. i broke up with titus yesterday.. he amazingly took it well.. i mean he posted something abt it in fb, like how pissed off he was.. but he didnt make it difficult for me.. when i was talkin to him, it seemes like he was busy doing something else.. like what i was saying was not important.. had alot of hold on, and alot of movement sounds over the phone.. felt like i was talking to the wall actually.. but when i told him what i had to tell him, he said, " yea this is what you keep telling me, but you end up coming back to me" than i told him yea thatz coz when i see you, the feeling come rushing back.. than he was all so serious and stern and said " when you come singapore, better dont meet me or call me, delete my number off your phone and i will not contact you anymore.. study well and take care".. and he put down the phone.. i was surprised.. but well there was no drama or anything.. like i didnt feel that bad..

actually after i put down the phone, i didnt feel any different at all.. not much difference actually.. coz in the first place, i never felt like i was in a relationship with him. back i had to keep reminding myself that i was.. like there will always be this voice at the back of my head which keeps telling me that i have a boyfren.. this guilty irritating feeling.. like i was not free.. i was contrained to someone.. its really not the feeling you should get when you are in a relationship.. i mean i love him and all.. i care for him.. but its jus not the strong feeling of love.. its more like yea i love you as a friend kinda feeling..

but finally its done.. and this time around, i am sooo not gonna meet him.. anyways even if i do, i wont go back to him.. i know i keep saying this but this time i really dont feel anything for him already.. i know it will never work out between me and titus..

that reminds me, there was a point during our conversation where i almost said ismail instead of titus.. hahahah LUCKY I DIDNT!!! oh god, how that would have turned out.. but i really hope he jus moves on and finds someone else.. i have a very strong feeling that he will.. this time around.. i think he is just sick and tired of this whole break up patch back thing.. i could sense that in the way he talked.. and he is much social now.. like i can see that he goes out more often and meets his friends more often.. not like last time.. so i really think he will move on soon.. he wont have a problem of finding someone else, there are already a few chicks who like him.. so he can jus chose from there.. hehehe.. i think they will suit him much better.. kinda in the same frequency as him.. i am trying to be arrogant coz i am educated and all.. i feel like i am being like that at times and its one of the reason why i was with him.. to tell myself that i am not like that.. but in reality it is the truth.. i am really not trying to be mean or i am not degrading him.. but its the choices that he made in life which has put him in this situation now.. which has made the both of us not compatible for each other..

another reason why i was with him was becoz of his family.. they all just adored me and it was so nice to be loved by someone else's family.. you know.. they all were so nice to me.. made me feel so important.. they always sided me.. and i feel like i betrayed their trust.. but i cant possibly be with him just for his family right.. i mean thats just nonsense.. but whats done is done.. and i hope he finds a girl soon and lives his life happily.. i dont know if he will be able to fully get over me, given the moments we shared.. but i really hope he does..

life goes on..

HAPPY!!!!! HAPPY!!!!

i just cant stop smiling.. these past few days have just been the most amazing days... ismail replied!!!!! on sunday.. the moment i saw the message, my heart literally stopped beating for a moment.. i could feel my face becoming hot.. as usual i went to his profile the moment i logged into my laptop and saw that he had added a sch in his profile.. asked haruna if you need to log in to do that.. she said yes and i was wondering it he had seen my message and deliberately not replied to it.. she asked me to resend the message.. so i did but added the sentence "if you want to ignore me please tell me so that i wont be driving myself crazy".. in 10 to 15 mins he replied.. it seems that he did reply to the message the day after i sent that message to him, using his friend's profile but i never got it.. :( anyways he said its okie.. and i just had to continue the conversation.. i told him i need to talk to him and i have some questions for him.. i typed wadever i felt... he messaged me using his friend's fb account.. asking if he can call coz to explain to me what had happened.. he called.. i just froze when i heard his voice.. there was jus air and some weird squeaks coming from my lips.. hhahaha.. but yea he talked to me.. and HE HAS A GF!!!! haizz.. so depressing..

anyways we talked.. than we skyped.. i got to see his smile!!!!! it was the most amazing smile.. the smile i loved.. the smile which never fails to melt my heart.. i couldnt stop smiling at him.. hahaha.. and than he called me at night.. we talked and talked the whole night.. i went to sch without sleeping.. but it didnt matter coz i was just over the moon.. 

he still loves me... but how sad is it that he has a gf.. he has changed soo much.. like soo much.. i can see it from the way he talks.. so different.. so much more mature in his thinking.. and he said the same to me.. he told me i have changed alot.. like in a good way.. more matured.. i guess it was just our age at that time.. i just didnt know how to handle a relationship.. i didnt know the "rules" of being in a relationship.. i was just too stubborn in my ways.. its either my way or no way.. i guess being with titus has thought be alot.. abt giving in and stuff.. 

oh god.. titus.. i wonder how i am gonna break up with him when i come sg.. its got nothing to do with ismail.. i didnt want to be in a relationship with him again.. but it jus happened the last time i went sg.. and i just want to get out of it.. but breaking up with him AGAIN!!! the fourth time.. thatz gonna destroy him.. how do i even say the words. its like i have said those words 3 times previously and i am jus gonna repeat myself.. i am just such a terrible person.. and he is just gonna forgive me and tell me he will wait for me.. but i dont think i can ever forgive myself.. i am just hurting him over and over again.. and its not like he will jus accept it and move on.. he will jus wait.. i dont know how long he is gonna wait but it will be at least a yr more.. i dont wan him to do anything stupid.. like he did previously... i mean he is finally in a job and is taking courses to improve and stuff.. and i dont wan him to screw anything up coz of me.. like start drinking again and stuff.. that will jus eat me alive. to think that i screwed up someone's life like that..

i dont know.. rosey and haruna said they will be somewhere around there for moral support.. i really think i need it man.. 

and than coming back to ismail.. we talked abt what happened after our breakup.. ALOT happened... sajiv was a total bastard i tell you.. he literally made up stories and screwed up everything.. some of the things which sajiv told me that ismail said might have been possible.. but he was stupid and angry.. he is bound to say such things.. but some of the things that sajiv claimed ismail said NEVER happened.. ismail never asked his shirt back.. and he gave sajiv the card i made him but it never came back to me.. neither did he give back the shirt to sajiv.. i dont know what the felle was thinking.. 

anyways i am just very happy that ismail and i are talking again.. i mean he has a gf and all.. but we can always be just friends right.. hahaha yea who am i kidding.. but i just love talking to him.. the way he says my name.. never thought i will hear it again.. and i cant believe i am actually talking to him.. jus feels like the old times.. in my room, talking to him for hours at night.. hehehe.. he is just so sweet.. 

even IF he had said all those things abt me after we broke up, i really cant be angry with him now.. i jus cant help myself from just feeling the love for him.. every time i talk to him, my heart skips a beat.. and i can never stop smiling.. seriously, titus has never made me feel this way.. i don know if i am being mean but really he has never made me this happy.. 

i am meeting ismail!! hehe we are going to the zoo.. so happy.. not alone.. we both agreed that, that will be a bad idea.. :DDDDDDDDD this is my face right now.. hahahah... 

but i cant help but feel disturbed some times.. feel like its wrong of me to be even talking to him.. i mean its my fault that i even rekindled all those feelings in ismail.. i should not have talked to him again.. i feel like i am coming inbetween him and his gf.. like he is cheating on her by just talking to me.. how would i feel if this was happening to me right.. i would rather have my bf break up with me than to talk to his ex gf behind my back.. but i dont wan ismail and his gf to break up either.. its really not fair for her.. he loves her and i think the both of them deserve that happiness.. and plus his mom hates me.. but loves her.. reality is a total bitch.. but as much as i know wad i am doing is wrong, i cant stop it.. i cant stop myself from talking to him.. 

why do i get myself into such troubles.. really.. i should jus stay away from guys i tell you.. guys be aware.. i am the girl your friends warned you abt.. i have just 2 ex bfs and i have given them so much torture.. oh god..

what have i become

so its a nice sat morning.. the sun is shining.. the birds are chirping.. probably.. and i am sitting at my desk all ready to jump into doing my assignment which is due on tue.. as per my usual routine, i checked my fb.. the first thing i do when i switch on my laptop.. and as usual, i went to ismail's account.. i have no idea why i do that but you know i just stare at his pic a few seconds before i log out.. okie i know, its creepy.. haha.. i dont know why but i the maps he had on his profile caught my eye. his most signed in place which is his CD headquarters.. i just clicked on the map and saw another spot there.. his home.. hougang..

i always thought he stayed in AMK.. coz we usually walk from AMK station to his house.. i totally forgot how to walk to his place though.. but anyways i went to google earth and checked it out to see if it was indeed his home address.. and the next thing i knew, i was staring at his block and the table that i used to sit at and wait for him was beside his block on the picture.. and all the memories just came rushing back... the same place where he peeked at me from his hall window once when i was waiting for him.. the same place where i did something really stupid and ended up in a whole emotional disaster.. and the same place where i realized how much he loved me (during one of our usual quarrels).. so so much memories..

and suddenly i realized what the hell i was doing.. like how creepy and insane i have become over him.. i cant believe i was actually doing what i was doing.. how insane is it.. i have become his facebook STALKER!!!! me!!! oh god.. i am driving myself insane.. what am i doing..

i had a dream abt him again.. that i went to his workplace in singapore to meet him.. but i woke up the moment i saw him.. it has been more than a month since i sent him the message and as each day passes, after every dream i have abt him, the desperation of talking to him is just increasing.. i am constantly thinking abt ways i can get his number and contact him.. i have become this person that i hate.. this crazy, idiotic person.. even now i am actually thinking abt lookin through the yellow pages to get his number using his address..

I HAVE GOT TO STOP MYSELF!!!  i have to keep this insanity under control or i am seriously gonna do something stupid which i am gonna regret.. all i want is to talk to him.. why is it so difficult.. i KNOW he will reply to me once he sees my fb message.. but when is that gonna be?? when is he gonna see my message? when is he gonna check his friggin fb?? the longer this takes, the more crazy i am becoming.. what has he done to me... what have i done to myself.. why did this have to happen.. oh god.. if i was in spore right now, i think i would seriously have just gone down to his block.. i swear i would have done that.. so thank god i am in australia right now...

i told his fren karthik how i felt and that i really need to talk to him.. but i dont know and i dont think he is actually trying his best to get me his number.. he seems a little suspicious.. like he would rather "keep me for himself" kinda thing.. coz firstly, which fren (especially a guy) would talk to his fren's ex galfren right.. like doesnt that go against their "bro code".. and secondly he is so nice to me.. again which fren would be so nice to his fren's ex galfren especially after the super dramatic break up we had.. but now he is the only link remaining between me and ismail.. so i have to just suck it up and be nice to him.. i am terrible.. in every way possible..

when did i become this totally strange person.. i dont even recognize myself anymore.. i used to think that as a person, i was really nice.. i didnt mean any harm to anyone and i cared for everyone.. but now i realise that as much as i have been nice to someone, i have hurt another person twice as much.. i have been so selfish and didnt even realise it.. i was just so full of myself.. if only i can go back and do right all the wrongs..

if i go back in time, i would not stop myself from dating ismail.. i would stop myself from dating titus though.. and than i think, is it true that girls get attracted to idiots.. i mean obviously titus is a much better guy than ismail.. in the way he took care of me and stuff.. but why.. why am i soo in love with ismail.. even after all he did to me, why do i want him and not the better guy.. this is the point where i take a slipper and beat myself.. i deserve it..

what am i going to do... how long can i last before i really do something stupid..

why!?!?!?!?!?

woke up today feeling shitty for 2 reasons.. first i am sick.. f-ed up.. its not the kind of flu where you just have a runny nose.. its the kind when your ears, throat hurts so bad each time you swollow your saliva.. didnt get much sleep at all.. next up, my dream.. finally when i fell asleep, i was abrubtly woken up by my dream.. and yes after that i had to say goodbye to my sleep..

it was abt ismail.. god!! he is literally killing me without being in my life.. why is he doing this to me.. i dreamt that i met up with him.. it was a totally weird place.. but it felt like i know the place.. it felt like i have been there before.. anyways i was with him and we were talkin abt something.. and than he hugged me.. it felt so right.. the weird thing was not dreaming abt him.. but i actualy felt him hugging me.. you know how they say that you don actually feel anything when you are dreaming. as in emotions wise.. but i felt my heart beating so fast and i felt the thingly feeling when he hugged me (the good kind) and i can remember his face.. exactly like how it was 4 yrs ago.. he was so close to me.. i was lying down on his arms and he was jus smiling at me.. and he kissed me.. and thatz when i woke up.. silly, stupid.. i dont know but i was just lying on my bed confused and feeling miserable and sick.. not a good way to start my day..

am i that into him.. i really dont understand this whole thing abt him.. why after 4 yrs i am feeling this.. shouldnt i be over and done with this.. done with him.. than  why???

and i am sitting in my uni, having missed my first class.. firstly coz i forgot to bring tissue and my nose was just dripping that i had to run to the toilet to blow my nose.. that made me late.. my lecturer DOES NOT like late comers.. so i decided to avoild the unnesserary emmbarresment and skipped class.. and our song (mine and ismail's) started playing my my phone.. like that is gonna make things bette.. so yea not surprisingly i broke down in my uni.. thank god its a deserted place in the mornings.. these tears are not solely becoz of him.. its also due to my unstopping flow of mucous.. hate feeling sick.. just one at a time please.. its either i am just sick or i am thinking abt him.. i cant handle both at the same time!!!!!

and coming to something else.. titus.. god!!! he called yesterday.. and being a bitch, i did not really talk to him properly.. poor boy.. he called me so lovingly and of coz i didnt show him what i was feeling but i know in my heart that i am not doing the right thing.. all i could think abt was ismail.. like i am cheating titus emotionally you know.. even at the end of the conversation when he said i love you, i said it back. but it was just words.. it had no feeling attached to it.. and its totally against my morals.. i have always and only said those words when i really feel it.. but to him, its just words.. i am not lying to him.. i am just lying to myself... i am cheating both him and me.. i hate doing this to him.. but how can i end things with him yet again.. a 3rd time.. i cant bring myself to do it.. i am such a terrible person.. why must he love me so much.. it just makes things so hard for me.. why cant he realise that its not gonna work out and leave me.. just leave me titus..

stop dripping nose!!!!! have to run to the toilet again.. seriously feel like chopping off my nose.. this is what global warming does to you.. the abrupt change in weather.. this ALWAYS happens during the beggining of winter.. ISMAIL!!!! TITUS!!! NOSE!!!! i was wanna run somehwere and hide..

more than just....

just finished my molecular bio assignment.. decided to check fb.. came across a post by my not so close friend.. i think his friend passed away.. he posted this song abt friendship. next thing i know, i am tearing.. 

its was about losing a friend.. and suddenly i got this uncomfortable feeling in my tummy.. like i lost something kinda feeling.. its not that i have lost someone, its just that i think i am missing my friends too much ya know.. all my life, i have been more into friends.. i love my family, and i am very close to them.. but as i grew up, being the youngest and all, i didnt have someone in my family to talk to or to guide me or anything like that.. in sec sch especially, i learnt the value of friendship and how it an save you at the same time dump you in shit.. i have always been only able to talk things out with my friends.. not all, just a handful or special ones.. i was never able to talk such personal things with my family members.. to think abt it, my close friends know me inside out, way bette than anyone else.. and i am truely grateful to them.. they have kept me sane all these yrs and i dont know what i would do without them.. 

they are not just friends, they are more like my second family.. and i dont know how i am gonna be without living close to them.. meet up whenever we wish to, go have our thanni sessions, talk cock, emo together.. hahaha i love you guys.. don ever leave me.. i cant even think abt losing ppl like you.. you guys are just irreplaceable in my life.. 

just know that you are in my heart, you will never leave my heart and i love you.. even if i dont tell you that, you should know by now.. :)

Love? Seriously?

i was just watching some crap tamil movie... something that was in my hard drive.. anyways what lead to me blog was something i observed in the movie.. actually i have observed this in ALL tamil movies.. just felt like saying out loud.. 

anyways the hero sees the girl and its love at first sight.. he finds her gorgeous and wants to marry her.. from that instant, he cant think of any other girls and he cant love anyone else.. that basically sums up almost all the tamil movies i know.. 

the stupid part is that, it is not love.. like seriously come on, that just crush.. how can ppl in india not know the difference.. but i bet if you tell them that its cursh and not love, they will look at you like you are a slut.. they will ask you "how can you love so many guys?".. but seriously, someone should tell them the difference.. i have crushes too.. when i see a really cute guy, i do drool a little but i dont go behind him and say that i love him or i want to marry him... i don know shit abt him.. how can i love him?? love is something completely different.. it happens when you know the person so well, that it comes to a point where you dont need words to express feelings and you just understand each other and you cant live without the person.. i mean thatz love.. or movie love.. i dont know.. i mean i am seriously no expert when it comes to love but thatz my definition.. haizz seriously, tamil movies....... ridiculous..